December 11, 2017

 

Oort Cloud Oddities: Hempopotamus

 
 
 

John is always concerned when I'm obviously depressed. So when he asked the other day, I told him the truth about what was bothering me: "We're using too many non-renewable resources."

"What?"

"All the electronic products and printer cartridges and computer monitors... I mean, think of all the deodorant we use in this country! That's made from aluminum. Once that's gone, there won't be any more left!"

John was staring at me with that look that says he knew what he was doing when he asked me to marry him, but that doesn't mean he always has to like it. "You want us to stop using deodorant?"

"Well, no. But I think we should start using hemp."

John looked at me. "Underarm hemp?"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean as a nation, we need to start using hemp."

"I think you seriously need to ease up on the hemp."

"There, you see? That's just the sort of attitude that keeps us dependent on foreign oil."

John was regarding me skeptically now. "I thought we agreed before we got married: you get to pick the church, and I get to pick the political party."

"Bah!" I flapped my hands at him. "You can be green and a Republican at the same time."

"Republicans are more of a tasteful gray, honey," he pointed out. "Maybe with pinstriping. And I'm sure the party would lend more credibility to renewable resources if the resources weren't things like cow farts and marijuana plants."

"But hemp is so... wait, cow farts?" John looked at me. "Methane. There's a dairy down in the Bay Area that's using methane digesters to power most of the farm." We both looked over at the dog, lying under my desk and stinking up the place. "I don't think it gets rid of the smell, sweetheart."

I was tilting my head to peer at the dog's backside. "Where do you put the bulb?"

The other good thing about John is that he always knows when to change the subject. "Weren't you telling me about how growing pot would solve the world's problems?"

"Not pot, hemp," I corrected him. "And you can mock me, but growing hemp would be a lot better for developing nations than open cast mining like they do for aluminum. Aluminum is found mostly in tropical and subtropical regions, so to feed our obsession with this nonrenewable resource, we're having these people chew up their lands for something that can't be replaced once they've sold it. Unlike hemp, which they could grow forever."

"So they should throw off the oppressive yoke of the deodorant manufacturers and produce hemp? And hemp can be used as a substitute for deodorant how?"

I was not necessarily pleased with the direction of the conversation. "Uh, it can be converted to gasoline or plastics or..."

"Deodorant?"

"Well, not deodorant. Not yet, anyway."

"So the point of the whole idea is to smoke enough hemp that you don't care what you smell like?"

A scary memory of outdoor concerts surfaced, making me wrinkle my nose. "Uh, well, the patchouli normally covers that all up anyway. Sorta." We gagged together for a moment, but then I continued trying to make my point. "Look, for the last time, I'm not talking about marijuana, I'm talking about industrial hemp. Look at this website." I pulled up the screen for www.hemphouse.com.

"What is that?" John exclaimed, peering at the logo on the top of the screen.

"It's the hempopotamus." Duh.

"A hippo with a pot leaf tattooed on its butt??" he snorted, then grew thoughtful. "Actually, I think I dated her in college."

Ignoring that, I pointed out the fact page to him. "See? Hemp is easy to grow in poor soils and requires little or no pesticides or fertilizer, both of which are harmful to the environment. And industrial hemp is not psychoactive. So even if you did smoke it, you couldn't get high. See? The mulberry tree is in the same family, too."

"No smoking mulberry trees," he glared at me. "And no mulberry brownies."

"Industrial hemp is not for getting high!!! Or for deodorant!"

"Then what good is it?"

"It's a highly renewable resource!" I sputtered. "Look, it can be used to make more than 25,000 products, ranging from dynamite to cellophane!"

"Dynamite? That's dangerous. I'm going to write my congressman and tell him industrial hemp should be banned."

Exasperated, I gave up. No wonder the hippo dumped him.

Comments and Hempopotamus sightings to Alex.Queen@gmail.com.

This article first appeared in the Manteca (Calif.) Bulletin.

Article © Alexandra Queen. All rights reserved.
Published on 2005-07-11


0 Reader Comments
Add your own comments!
The Piker Press moderates all comments. The commenting policy can be found
here.
Name

Email

Comments




In the same series:

Oort Cloud Oddities: Who wears the dress in this kitchen?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Shoe sizes
Oort Cloud Oddities: A Woman Who Likes Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: Alternative Pest Control
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bathrooms
Oort Cloud Oddities: Art is suffering
Oort Cloud Oddities: James Lick's Monument
Oort Cloud Oddities: Efficiency Kitchen
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bird Flu
Oort Cloud Oddities: Ford
Oort Cloud Oddities: Women's Equality Day
Oort Cloud Oddities: Spring Horoscopes 1
Oort Cloud Oddities: Name Branding
Oort Cloud Oddities: Florida Pizza
Oort Cloud Oddities: Off the Path
Oort Cloud Oddities: Coffee Feng Shui
Oort Cloud Oddities: Family Travels
Oort Cloud Oddities: April 15
Oort Cloud Oddities: Skidmarks and Gay Cowboys
Oort Cloud Oddities: Birthday Worms
Oort Cloud Oddities: Pizza Parent Pain
Oort Cloud Oddities: Sharkey the Impaler
Oort Cloud Oddities: Internet Birthday
Oort Cloud Oddities: Fourmyle and the Hat
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cupid and the Tomkitten
Oort Cloud Oddities: 50 is better
Oort Cloud Oddities: Smarter Clothes
Oort Cloud Oddities: Worm Guy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Scary Workout Videos
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2005 in review
Oort Cloud Oddities: Kentucky Fried Christmas
Oort Cloud Oddities: Gross Gifts
Oort Cloud Oddities: State Slogans
Oort Cloud Oddities: Black Friday
Oort Cloud: Pot and Brain Growth
Oort Cloud Oddities: Naughty Wasp
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cats Hate Winter
Oort Cloud Oddities: Potty Helmet Laws
Oort Cloud Oddities: Foraging
Oort Cloud Oddities: Two-Stroke Engine Man
Oort Cloud Oddities: Corrupting Games
Oort Cloud Oddities: Spinach!!
Oort Cloud Oddities: Talk Like A Pirate Day
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mutant Mice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Beer and Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: Dragonfly Swarm
Oort Cloud Oddities: Miss Plastic Surgery
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hydrophobic Felines
Oort Cloud Oddities: Forum Fonts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Astrological Hair
Oort Cloud Oddities: Martong Theme Restaurant
Oort Cloud Oddities: Axing the TV
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hempopotamus
Oort Cloud Oddities: Growing Pains
Oort Cloud Oddities: British Sporks
Oort Cloud Oddities: Night of the Living 'Do
Oort Cloud Oddities: Stuck in a Tree
Oort Cloud Oddities: Picasso
Oort Cloud Oddities: Finger Food
Oort Cloud Oddities: Safe Surfing
Oort Cloud Oddities: DIY Therapy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Steroids and Baseball
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mrs. Mike
Oort Cloud Oddities: Oscar Birthday
Oort Cloud Oddities: Gift Enema
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cry Room
Oort Cloud Oddities: HMO blues
Oort Cloud Oddities: FishinFoo
Oort Cloud Oddities: Squid Eye
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cantina
Oort Cloud Oddities: Beese
Oort Cloud Oddities: Health Care
Oort Cloud Oddities: Squid-Eye Love
Oort Cloud Oddities:LibraryDay
Oort Cloud Oddities: Yeast
Oort Cloud Oddities: Fantasy Playoffs
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 In Review
Oort Cloud Oddities: Kid Rock Dog Farts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Rainy Day Raiders
Oort Cloud Oddities: Birthright Pie
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bruce-Free Thanksgiving
Oort Cloud Oddities: Napoleon
Oort Cloud Oddities: Meaningful Books
Oort Cloud Oddities: Viking Sanchez
Oort Cloud Oddities: Halloween Costumes
Oort Cloud Oddities: Key Ring Synergy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mohawk Mommy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clerihews
Oort Cloud Oddities: Learning Poetry
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Genesis of Gender
Oort Cloud Oddities: Sightseeing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Movie Merchandise
Oort Cloud Oddities: Lotion
Oort Cloud Oddities: Writers Online
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clothing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Summer Movies
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cheap Summer Travel
Oort Cloud Oddities: Galapagos TV
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Horse Whisperer
Oort Cloud Oddities: Nazgul Gardeners
Oort Cloud Oddities: Peevil Knievel
Oort Cloud Oddities: Body Image
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Pickle Jar
Oort Cloud Oddities: Ground Squirrels
Oort Cloud Oddities: CAPTCHAs
Oort Cloud Oddities: Zombie Infection
Oort Cloud Oddities: Haiku War
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 Campaign Advice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Child rearing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hemingway
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clarence Darrow
Oort Cloud Oddities: The 55 MPH Pig
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Mommy Voice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Extreme Hobbies
Oort Cloud Oddities: Presidential Candidates 2004
Oort Cloud Oddities: Free-verse Neanderthal
Oort Cloud Oddities: Coffee Shop Offices
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mad cow
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Enzo vs. the Metro
Oort Cloud Oddities: Real Estate Crocs
Oort Cloud Oddities: Christmas Gifts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bodice-Rippers and Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Oort Cloud Oddities: Aunt Mary and the Pumpkin Pie
Oort Cloud Oddities: Eat or be eaten
Oort Cloud Oddities: New Year's Resolutions
Oort Cloud Oddities: World Beard and Mustache Championships
Oort Cloud Oddities: Grandpa Queen and the Chicken of Doom
Oort Cloud Oddities: Night of the Satanists
Oort Cloud Oddities: Uncle Buddy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mes de los Muertos
Oort Cloud Oddities: Weapons of Mouse Destruction
Oort Cloud Oddities: Pride comes before a wet pants leg.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Celebrity Relationships
Oort cloud oddities: The rise and fall of the gastropod Mafia
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Devil's Agent
Oort Cloud Oddities: National Nude Recreation Week 2003

Other articles by Alexandra Queen you might enjoy...

Unfit Mother Goose
Eternal Monday Afternoon
Growing Up Wrong
Isoflavones and Black Cohosh
WikiWikiWebster 07
&#%*in' Harvest
Rain, Rain Go Away.
Riding in Cars with Cherries
Peek of the Week 333
Raccoon Mansion
Blair Witch Snail Swap Project
With No Announcement
Monkey Business
Peek of the Week 285
Heart Brake
Food for Thought
Peek of the Week 244
Red Shirt
My Friend Clucka
Peek of the Week 229
Peek of the Week 224
Random Comic
Lichloved 88
Review: Death Race (2008)
Lichloved 87
Lichloved 85
Lichloved 86 - Bonus!
Lichloved 84
Lichloved 83
Lichloved 80-somethin' Synopsis