October 16, 2017

 

Oort Cloud Oddities: Martong Theme Restaurant

 
 
 

Let it be known for all time that my husband is a miraculous cook. We started dating because of his cooking. He had suggested catching a movie some time, I had politely declined, saying I wasn't in the market for a relationship at the time, then he brought this fabulous muenster cheese casserole to the company potluck and I recall thinking, "On the other hand..."

But the other night, he insisted on cooking weenies-in-a-blanket. It's hot dogs in Bisquick. Baked.

I don't like it.

It's not horrible, I just don't care for hot dogs all that much. Wrapping them in a crust, no matter how light and flaky, doesn't do anything to endear them further to me. I don't like corn dogs, either. John and our daughter love all of the above, however, so he still makes it. Sometimes I try to eat it. More often I don't.

Our relationship has always been based around food, so when I don't eat something John cooks, he tends to feel threatened.

"You don't love me."

"No, I just don't care for weenies-in-a-blanket."

"You're leaving me?"

"No, I'm just not having seconds."

"Should we get counseling?"

"No, just Chinese take-out."

Recently, however, I was alerted to a news story about sophisticated entrepreneur, Eric Wang, who quit a good but boring job as a banker to  over the strong objections of his family  open a restaurant in Taiwan.

A restaurant where the main draw is eating brown, lumpy menu items from dinner plates shaped like toilets. The Marton Theme Restaurant gets its name from the Mandarin word matong (which means toilet, of course) and is decorated accordingly.

Toilets serve as seats and plates. Urinals adorn the walls. Bathtubs are converted into tables. And of course, the food is served in plates that look like miniature versions of the real thing. This is one place where it's a compliment to say that the food tastes like... well. You know.

Crude, perhaps. But the immature giggle factor has made the Marton a hit. Wang was able to open a bigger second restaurant within seven months, which is also doing crazy-good business. Now he has dreams of an entire franchise, serving chocolate ice cream and "curry hot pot" (ohhhh, the images that phrase conjures up) all across the globe. Look out McDonald's!

Suddenly, the strong objections from his family begin to make sense, don't they? I can imagine those monthly visits he pays to his relatives to fulfill filial duty, grinning at the stony expression on his mother's face as he tells her how much money he's made since his last visit.

What Wang really needs to do if he wants to go global is to capitalize on the methods of other giants in the realm of worldwide advertising. He needs a catchy slogan like, "Tastes great, less filling!" or "Madge, I soaked in it!" My vote goes to, "Food, faux feces and fun." We can definitely rule out what I'm beginning to think is the least flexible slogan in the industry, "Finger lickin' good."

He also needs a mascot. South Park's Mr. Hanky would be particularly appropriate, of course, but I don't know that he's for sale. Same for Planter's, "Mr. Peanut." Wang will have to come up with something original, like, "Bobo, the Irritable Bowel". He might be able to purchase a used "Grimace" costume from McDonalds and just dye it brown.

Wang also needs celebrity spokespeople. I'm thinking I'd like to see Jared from Subway sitting down to a nice, steaming pile of curry served in a potty. Maybe Wang should hook up with Rosie MacDonnell and start a Martong diet.

The newly waif-like Rosie can announce, "I make Tom Cruise look like a blimp now, thanks to Eric Wang's Martong weight loss program. Just two meals a day at the Martong restaurant, and you'll be able to lose weight, too, even with tasty desserts like Rocky Road ice cream with whole kernels of corn mixed in! Or you can try my favorite, a bran muffin with chocolate ex-lax sprinkles Eric likes to call the, 'Your way, right away' special!"

Anyway, love Wang's idea, hate Wang's idea, I owe him a special debt of gratitude. My husband made weenies-in-a-blanket again last night. As he and our toddler began to devour their food, John looked up at me apologetically and said, "It's not too bad, is it?"

"My love," I smiled at him, "It's restaurant quality." Just never you mind which one.

Comments and Marton slogan ideas to Alex.Queen@gmail.com.

This article first appeared in the July 10, 2005 issue of the Manteca (Calif.) Bulletin.

Article © Alexandra Queen. All rights reserved.
Published on 2005-07-25


0 Reader Comments
Add your own comments!
The Piker Press moderates all comments. The commenting policy can be found
here.
Name

Email

Comments




In the same series:

Oort Cloud Oddities: Who wears the dress in this kitchen?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Shoe sizes
Oort Cloud Oddities: A Woman Who Likes Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: Alternative Pest Control
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bathrooms
Oort Cloud Oddities: Art is suffering
Oort Cloud Oddities: James Lick's Monument
Oort Cloud Oddities: Efficiency Kitchen
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bird Flu
Oort Cloud Oddities: Ford
Oort Cloud Oddities: Women's Equality Day
Oort Cloud Oddities: Spring Horoscopes 1
Oort Cloud Oddities: Name Branding
Oort Cloud Oddities: Florida Pizza
Oort Cloud Oddities: Off the Path
Oort Cloud Oddities: Coffee Feng Shui
Oort Cloud Oddities: Family Travels
Oort Cloud Oddities: April 15
Oort Cloud Oddities: Skidmarks and Gay Cowboys
Oort Cloud Oddities: Birthday Worms
Oort Cloud Oddities: Pizza Parent Pain
Oort Cloud Oddities: Sharkey the Impaler
Oort Cloud Oddities: Internet Birthday
Oort Cloud Oddities: Fourmyle and the Hat
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cupid and the Tomkitten
Oort Cloud Oddities: 50 is better
Oort Cloud Oddities: Smarter Clothes
Oort Cloud Oddities: Worm Guy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Scary Workout Videos
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2005 in review
Oort Cloud Oddities: Kentucky Fried Christmas
Oort Cloud Oddities: Gross Gifts
Oort Cloud Oddities: State Slogans
Oort Cloud Oddities: Black Friday
Oort Cloud: Pot and Brain Growth
Oort Cloud Oddities: Naughty Wasp
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cats Hate Winter
Oort Cloud Oddities: Potty Helmet Laws
Oort Cloud Oddities: Foraging
Oort Cloud Oddities: Two-Stroke Engine Man
Oort Cloud Oddities: Corrupting Games
Oort Cloud Oddities: Spinach!!
Oort Cloud Oddities: Talk Like A Pirate Day
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mutant Mice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Beer and Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: Dragonfly Swarm
Oort Cloud Oddities: Miss Plastic Surgery
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hydrophobic Felines
Oort Cloud Oddities: Forum Fonts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Astrological Hair
Oort Cloud Oddities: Martong Theme Restaurant
Oort Cloud Oddities: Axing the TV
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hempopotamus
Oort Cloud Oddities: Growing Pains
Oort Cloud Oddities: British Sporks
Oort Cloud Oddities: Night of the Living 'Do
Oort Cloud Oddities: Stuck in a Tree
Oort Cloud Oddities: Picasso
Oort Cloud Oddities: Finger Food
Oort Cloud Oddities: Safe Surfing
Oort Cloud Oddities: DIY Therapy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Steroids and Baseball
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mrs. Mike
Oort Cloud Oddities: Oscar Birthday
Oort Cloud Oddities: Gift Enema
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cry Room
Oort Cloud Oddities: HMO blues
Oort Cloud Oddities: FishinFoo
Oort Cloud Oddities: Squid Eye
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cantina
Oort Cloud Oddities: Beese
Oort Cloud Oddities: Health Care
Oort Cloud Oddities: Squid-Eye Love
Oort Cloud Oddities:LibraryDay
Oort Cloud Oddities: Yeast
Oort Cloud Oddities: Fantasy Playoffs
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 In Review
Oort Cloud Oddities: Kid Rock Dog Farts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Rainy Day Raiders
Oort Cloud Oddities: Birthright Pie
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bruce-Free Thanksgiving
Oort Cloud Oddities: Napoleon
Oort Cloud Oddities: Meaningful Books
Oort Cloud Oddities: Viking Sanchez
Oort Cloud Oddities: Halloween Costumes
Oort Cloud Oddities: Key Ring Synergy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mohawk Mommy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clerihews
Oort Cloud Oddities: Learning Poetry
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Genesis of Gender
Oort Cloud Oddities: Sightseeing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Movie Merchandise
Oort Cloud Oddities: Lotion
Oort Cloud Oddities: Writers Online
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clothing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Summer Movies
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cheap Summer Travel
Oort Cloud Oddities: Galapagos TV
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Horse Whisperer
Oort Cloud Oddities: Nazgul Gardeners
Oort Cloud Oddities: Peevil Knievel
Oort Cloud Oddities: Body Image
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Pickle Jar
Oort Cloud Oddities: Ground Squirrels
Oort Cloud Oddities: CAPTCHAs
Oort Cloud Oddities: Zombie Infection
Oort Cloud Oddities: Haiku War
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 Campaign Advice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Child rearing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hemingway
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clarence Darrow
Oort Cloud Oddities: The 55 MPH Pig
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Mommy Voice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Extreme Hobbies
Oort Cloud Oddities: Presidential Candidates 2004
Oort Cloud Oddities: Free-verse Neanderthal
Oort Cloud Oddities: Coffee Shop Offices
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mad cow
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Enzo vs. the Metro
Oort Cloud Oddities: Real Estate Crocs
Oort Cloud Oddities: Christmas Gifts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bodice-Rippers and Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Oort Cloud Oddities: Aunt Mary and the Pumpkin Pie
Oort Cloud Oddities: Eat or be eaten
Oort Cloud Oddities: New Year's Resolutions
Oort Cloud Oddities: World Beard and Mustache Championships
Oort Cloud Oddities: Grandpa Queen and the Chicken of Doom
Oort Cloud Oddities: Night of the Satanists
Oort Cloud Oddities: Uncle Buddy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mes de los Muertos
Oort Cloud Oddities: Weapons of Mouse Destruction
Oort Cloud Oddities: Pride comes before a wet pants leg.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Celebrity Relationships
Oort cloud oddities: The rise and fall of the gastropod Mafia
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Devil's Agent
Oort Cloud Oddities: National Nude Recreation Week 2003

Other articles by Alexandra Queen you might enjoy...

Unfit Mother Goose
Eternal Monday Afternoon
Growing Up Wrong
Isoflavones and Black Cohosh
WikiWikiWebster 07
&#%*in' Harvest
Rain, Rain Go Away.
Riding in Cars with Cherries
Peek of the Week 333
Raccoon Mansion
Blair Witch Snail Swap Project
With No Announcement
Monkey Business
Peek of the Week 285
Heart Brake
Food for Thought
Peek of the Week 244
Red Shirt
My Friend Clucka
Peek of the Week 229
Peek of the Week 224
Random Comic
Lichloved 88
Review: Death Race (2008)
Lichloved 87
Lichloved 85
Lichloved 86 - Bonus!
Lichloved 84
Lichloved 83
Lichloved 80-somethin' Synopsis