December 11, 2017

 

Oort Cloud Oddities: Zombie Infection

 
 
 

My husband, John, came up behind me as I was at the computer the other day.

"How's work coming?" he asked.

I stared at the screen. Instead of work, hundreds of tiny pixels were scampering about, turning from pink to white in a spreading pattern. "Uh, good," I told him.

"That doesn't look like writing. What is it?"

"Um. Zombies."

It seems that some blessed soul with about the same amount of work ethic I possess spent the time to create a "Zombie Infection Simulation". (Surf it at http://kevan.org/proce55ing/zombies/) Pink dots represent the human population of a city. White dots represent zombies. At the start of the simulation, one white dot is placed at a random point in a randomly created city. Before your very eyes, a tale of terror unfolds as the zombie goes about infecting humans. They become zombies who, in turn, infect other humans, until the whole screen is a mass of tiny, mindless white dots. It's like watching the world's most gruesome flea circus.

"That reminds me," said John. "That horror movie directed by Rob Zombie is out on video. Let's rent it."

Grateful that he chose not to point out what a slacker I was, I opened my mouth and uttered the words I would soon come to regret.

"What a good idea, dear! What's the movie called?"

"Um, House of the Dead or something."

Thus sparked The Marathon of the Dead, a series of video and DVD disasters so name not because of the endless parades of zombies across our TV screen, nor for the absence of life's spark in the performances by the actors. The name was not because of what the movies did to the careers of the directors and screenwriters who made them. No, it was the Marathon of the Dead because that was what we wished we were, watching bad horror flick after bad horror flick.

"Hmm. I thought it was this one," John said as we watched the opening credits for Rob Zombie's name. House of the Dead was not the film we thought it was. This was a film whose R rating was well deserved, but not for the gore. Not for the extremely pointless nudity, which seemed to be tossed in as a last ditch effort to try to get 14 year old boys to watch. No, the R rating had to be for the directing.

You don't expect good writing or acting from a horror flick, though every once in a while you're surprised with it. But there are bad horror films and then there are movies so dreadful that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the most mindless undead zombie in the film was the one sitting in the director's chair. You also realize why the zombies are always wandering about with a craving for brains. In the case of the House of the Dead, they were just trying to take up a collection of gray matter for the director and screenwriter.

We spent the entire evening trying to place blame on each other for watching it. "You rented it," I accused. "You didn't make me turn it off," John countered.

So of course John came back the next day with "Day of the Dead" and "House of 1000 Corpses".

"This is the movie Rob Zombie directed," he said proudly, holding up House of 1000 Corpses.

"Then what's the other one?"

"Remember the one I liked? Dawn of the Dead? This is the sequel."

"So it's good?"

"No. Dawn of the Dead was good, but that one wasn't in."

I peered at him closely to make sure zombies hadn't eaten his brains.

Speaking of operating without brain matter, did I mention why we wanted to watch a movie directed by Rob Zombie? Rob Zombie is a musician. He has a heavy metal band that made one of my favorite songs. The lyrics of the song are, as near as I can tell, "mrgffbml garvgarv frglbmmer YEAH."

I do not know what the English translation of that is. Neither does John, who also likes the song. We don't want to know, mostly because we are afraid that if we find out, we won't like the song anymore. We don't buy his albums. We don't read his comic book. (He has one, apparently.) But for some reason, we decided that we would like to see a horror movie written and directed by Rob Zombie. "Maybe it will be good," was the entire logic behind our decision. Do I even need to say that it wasn't?

Unlike House of the Dead, House of 1000 Corpses was at least an acceptable horror flick. Instead of being a crime against the natural resources consumed to make the DVD and the case it was housed in, Rob Zombie's movie was simply pointless, mildly creepy gore. Instead of staring in shock at how brutally bad the movie was, we were merely left feeling that we had wasted an hour and a half of our life telling each other, "Okay, there's still an hour left for there to be a point to this movie. Okay, there's still 30 minutes left for there to be a point. Okay, they have about five minutes. Maybe it all comes together in the last five, no four, still waiting... that was it?"

I suppose there was also a sense of pity. After all, we lost one hour. But Rob wrote it and directed it. He may very well have lost years of his life on that dog. Ouch.

All told, by the time John got around to popping in the Day of the Dead, I looked at him like he had just burst out of a fresh grave.

"What?" he said. "I'm not actually going to watch it. I'm just going to have it on in the background."

"Garbage in, garbage out," I pointed out to him. "But if you want to waste your time polluting your brain with more of that trash, you go right ahead."

Then I went back to staring at my computer screen and hit the reset button so I could watch those tiny gray dots take over the little city again. It's not my fault. Too many horror movies have made me into a mindless zombie.

Comments and fresh brains to alexandraqueen1@hotmail.com

This article first appeared in the Manteca (Calif.) Bulletin.

Article © Alexandra Queen. All rights reserved.
Published on 2004-05-22


0 Reader Comments
Add your own comments!
The Piker Press moderates all comments. The commenting policy can be found
here.
Name

Email

Comments




In the same series:

Oort Cloud Oddities: Who wears the dress in this kitchen?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Shoe sizes
Oort Cloud Oddities: A Woman Who Likes Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: Alternative Pest Control
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bathrooms
Oort Cloud Oddities: Art is suffering
Oort Cloud Oddities: James Lick's Monument
Oort Cloud Oddities: Efficiency Kitchen
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bird Flu
Oort Cloud Oddities: Ford
Oort Cloud Oddities: Women's Equality Day
Oort Cloud Oddities: Spring Horoscopes 1
Oort Cloud Oddities: Name Branding
Oort Cloud Oddities: Florida Pizza
Oort Cloud Oddities: Off the Path
Oort Cloud Oddities: Coffee Feng Shui
Oort Cloud Oddities: Family Travels
Oort Cloud Oddities: April 15
Oort Cloud Oddities: Skidmarks and Gay Cowboys
Oort Cloud Oddities: Birthday Worms
Oort Cloud Oddities: Pizza Parent Pain
Oort Cloud Oddities: Sharkey the Impaler
Oort Cloud Oddities: Internet Birthday
Oort Cloud Oddities: Fourmyle and the Hat
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cupid and the Tomkitten
Oort Cloud Oddities: 50 is better
Oort Cloud Oddities: Smarter Clothes
Oort Cloud Oddities: Worm Guy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Scary Workout Videos
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2005 in review
Oort Cloud Oddities: Kentucky Fried Christmas
Oort Cloud Oddities: Gross Gifts
Oort Cloud Oddities: State Slogans
Oort Cloud Oddities: Black Friday
Oort Cloud: Pot and Brain Growth
Oort Cloud Oddities: Naughty Wasp
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cats Hate Winter
Oort Cloud Oddities: Potty Helmet Laws
Oort Cloud Oddities: Foraging
Oort Cloud Oddities: Two-Stroke Engine Man
Oort Cloud Oddities: Corrupting Games
Oort Cloud Oddities: Spinach!!
Oort Cloud Oddities: Talk Like A Pirate Day
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mutant Mice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Beer and Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: Dragonfly Swarm
Oort Cloud Oddities: Miss Plastic Surgery
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hydrophobic Felines
Oort Cloud Oddities: Forum Fonts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Astrological Hair
Oort Cloud Oddities: Martong Theme Restaurant
Oort Cloud Oddities: Axing the TV
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hempopotamus
Oort Cloud Oddities: Growing Pains
Oort Cloud Oddities: British Sporks
Oort Cloud Oddities: Night of the Living 'Do
Oort Cloud Oddities: Stuck in a Tree
Oort Cloud Oddities: Picasso
Oort Cloud Oddities: Finger Food
Oort Cloud Oddities: Safe Surfing
Oort Cloud Oddities: DIY Therapy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Steroids and Baseball
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mrs. Mike
Oort Cloud Oddities: Oscar Birthday
Oort Cloud Oddities: Gift Enema
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cry Room
Oort Cloud Oddities: HMO blues
Oort Cloud Oddities: FishinFoo
Oort Cloud Oddities: Squid Eye
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cantina
Oort Cloud Oddities: Beese
Oort Cloud Oddities: Health Care
Oort Cloud Oddities: Squid-Eye Love
Oort Cloud Oddities:LibraryDay
Oort Cloud Oddities: Yeast
Oort Cloud Oddities: Fantasy Playoffs
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 In Review
Oort Cloud Oddities: Kid Rock Dog Farts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Rainy Day Raiders
Oort Cloud Oddities: Birthright Pie
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bruce-Free Thanksgiving
Oort Cloud Oddities: Napoleon
Oort Cloud Oddities: Meaningful Books
Oort Cloud Oddities: Viking Sanchez
Oort Cloud Oddities: Halloween Costumes
Oort Cloud Oddities: Key Ring Synergy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mohawk Mommy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clerihews
Oort Cloud Oddities: Learning Poetry
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Genesis of Gender
Oort Cloud Oddities: Sightseeing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Movie Merchandise
Oort Cloud Oddities: Lotion
Oort Cloud Oddities: Writers Online
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clothing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Summer Movies
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cheap Summer Travel
Oort Cloud Oddities: Galapagos TV
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Horse Whisperer
Oort Cloud Oddities: Nazgul Gardeners
Oort Cloud Oddities: Peevil Knievel
Oort Cloud Oddities: Body Image
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Pickle Jar
Oort Cloud Oddities: Ground Squirrels
Oort Cloud Oddities: CAPTCHAs
Oort Cloud Oddities: Zombie Infection
Oort Cloud Oddities: Haiku War
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 Campaign Advice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Child rearing
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hemingway
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clarence Darrow
Oort Cloud Oddities: The 55 MPH Pig
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Mommy Voice
Oort Cloud Oddities: Extreme Hobbies
Oort Cloud Oddities: Presidential Candidates 2004
Oort Cloud Oddities: Free-verse Neanderthal
Oort Cloud Oddities: Coffee Shop Offices
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mad cow
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Enzo vs. the Metro
Oort Cloud Oddities: Real Estate Crocs
Oort Cloud Oddities: Christmas Gifts
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bodice-Rippers and Football
Oort Cloud Oddities: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Oort Cloud Oddities: Aunt Mary and the Pumpkin Pie
Oort Cloud Oddities: Eat or be eaten
Oort Cloud Oddities: New Year's Resolutions
Oort Cloud Oddities: World Beard and Mustache Championships
Oort Cloud Oddities: Grandpa Queen and the Chicken of Doom
Oort Cloud Oddities: Night of the Satanists
Oort Cloud Oddities: Uncle Buddy
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mes de los Muertos
Oort Cloud Oddities: Weapons of Mouse Destruction
Oort Cloud Oddities: Pride comes before a wet pants leg.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Celebrity Relationships
Oort cloud oddities: The rise and fall of the gastropod Mafia
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Devil's Agent
Oort Cloud Oddities: National Nude Recreation Week 2003

Other articles by Alexandra Queen you might enjoy...

Unfit Mother Goose
Eternal Monday Afternoon
Growing Up Wrong
Isoflavones and Black Cohosh
WikiWikiWebster 07
&#%*in' Harvest
Rain, Rain Go Away.
Riding in Cars with Cherries
Peek of the Week 333
Raccoon Mansion
Blair Witch Snail Swap Project
With No Announcement
Monkey Business
Peek of the Week 285
Heart Brake
Food for Thought
Peek of the Week 244
Red Shirt
My Friend Clucka
Peek of the Week 229
Peek of the Week 224
Random Comic
Lichloved 88
Review: Death Race (2008)
Lichloved 87
Lichloved 85
Lichloved 86 - Bonus!
Lichloved 84
Lichloved 83
Lichloved 80-somethin' Synopsis