Questions one and two, Why do you want the job? and What makes you suitable for the role? are basically the same, says Tabitha from Human Resources. She says candidates will answer the first question then move on immediately to the second and answer that too, probably without pausing for breath. Then when they’re actually asked the second question they’ll be confused because they’ll think they’ve already covered it, but will still have a go because they want to please the interview panel, which is sweet, but strikes her as a waste of everyone’s time.
“Also,” she predicts, “We’ll look like prats.”
Frood from Group Sales says she doesn’t mind looking like a prat. Bristow from Corporate doesn’t either.
“Let’s tweak as we go along,” he suggests.
Tabitha from Human Resources says, “We can’t. We have to ask each candidate the same questions in the same order.”
“Do we?” asks Frood.
“It’s the law,” says Tabitha.
“I doubt it?” says Bristow.
“Well, it’s definitely policy,” says Tabitha.
Frood from Group Sales says Tabitha is worrying unnecessarily. But when she’s asked why she should get the job, Candidate One describes her qualifications, experience and career so far, explains how ready she is for the next challenge, emphasises her determination to make a success of the role on offer, and describes, in detail, exactly why she’s suitable to fill it.
“Thank you,” says Bristow. “So. What makes you suitable for the role?”
“What?” says Candidate One.
Tabitha from Human Resources rolls her eyes. Someone pushes a tea trolley along the corridor outside.
Tabitha says, “Let’s move on. You’ve got the job. Now we want you to boost turnover by thirty per cent. How?”
Candidate One says she’ll work hard and do her very best.
“Where do you see yourself in a year’s time?” asks Frood.
Candidate One says she’ll be working hard and doing her very best.
“Question five,” says Bristow. “Have you ever had to work with a difficult colleague?”
Candidate One says she gets along with everyone. It’s her superpower.
“Tell us about a difficult time at work,” says Tabitha from Human Resources. “What happened? What did you learn?”
Candidate One says she gets along with everyone.
“It’s my superpower,” she says, again.
“Are you a push-over?” Bristow asks.
“I hope not,” Candidate One says. “I don’t think so.”
When she’s gone, Frood from Group Sales says, “I liked her.”
Bristow from Corporate says, “I can see her fitting in.”
Tabitha from Human Resources says, “Let’s move on.”
* * *
Candidate Two throws his jacket over the back of his chair. He details his qualifications and experience, relives the hard yards which brought him this far, celebrates his drive and determination, declares his suitability for the role, and folds his arms.
“What makes you suitable for the role?” asks Bristow.
Tabitha sighs.
“It’s got my name on it,” Two says.
“Where?” chuckles Bristow, flicking through his notes.
Tabitha from Human Resources says, “Let’s keep going.”
Candidate Three has exactly (“Exactly!”) the right qualifications and experience. She likes hard work, and she likes working hard. She knows she can do the job and will make a (“Brilliant!”) success of it. She’s ideal for the role and would be surprised (“ … very …”) if the panel doesn’t agree.
Curling her hair round her finger, Candidate Four seems to absorb, mull and cherish each question.
Why should she get the job?
“Indeed,” she muses. “Why me?”
What makes her suitable?
“It depends what you’re looking for,” she ponders.
“What are you offering?” Tabitha from Human Resources asks.
“Many things,” says Four.
“Can you name some?” asks Frood.
“I can,” says Four, but doesn’t.
She smiles.
* * *
Asked to boost turnover, Two shakes his cufflinks and says he will, he just will. He’ll get his feet under the table and work up a plan.
“Thirty per cent?” scoffs Three. “Call it a round hundred.”
“How much?” Four marvels. “Does that sound like a lot? That sounds like a lot to me.”
In a year’s time, Two will be running the show.
Three will be somewhere else (“Sorry”) having outgrown the job and the company.
Four, wistful, isn’t sure.
“Life’s full of surprises,” she concludes, eventually.
On problematic colleagues, Two says he doesn’t do difficult.
Three would like to see someone try.
“Define difficult,” Four challenges. “Aren’t we all from time to time?”
On tricky situations, Two still doesn’t do difficult.
Three now doesn’t either.
Four broods.
“Existence”, she observes, finally, “is a series of provocations and setbacks. That’s what makes it interesting?”
The tea trolley rattles back past the door.
Bristow says, “Thank you for coming.”
Four presses the palms of her hands together.
“Thank you,” she says.
As she leaves, she bows.
Frood claps her hands.
“Lunch,” she says. “Then Candidates Five and Six. Then we’re done.”
* * *
An hour later, refreshed, the panel spots confidence and originality in Candidate Five’s green, knitted tie. He gains extra marks for spotting the difference between questions one and two.
Hard work and experience mean he should get the job.
A portfolio of skills makes him suitable.
He’s open and clear, offering answers like a dog with a stick.
He’ll diversify the client-base and motivate the team. Boosting turnover excites him.
In a year’s time, he says, he’ll be fully settled in, and boosting it again.
* * *
Candidate Six is a tiger. Emerging through bull-rushes by a jungle riverbed, she wades through the shallows in the direction of prey.
“Hello,” she purrs, accepting the panel’s handshakes.
“I will,” she condescends, when invited to sit. She crosses her legs. An arm drapes the back of her chair.
She should get the job because she’d be good at it.
Naturally, she’s suitable.
Boosting turnover will be easy, if everyone does what they’re told.
In a year’s time, she might be running the show.
“Or on a beach,” she says. “Or in jail.”
She laughs.
“That’s a joke, by the way.”
She locks eyes with Bristow, who tries not to blink.
* * *
Asked about difficult colleagues, Five sighs. Stillness falls over the panel.
“OK,” Five says. “I suppose this could be about Derek.”
“Go on,” says Frood.
“Derek was rude and confrontational,” says Five. “I don’t think he was very happy.”
* * *
Six sits up in her chair.
“A difficult colleague,” she says. “This is definitely about Derek.”
“Derek?” Frood asks.
“Derek,” Six confirms. “He was vile and obnoxious, and I hated his guts.”
“I see”, says Frood.
“Until,” Six goes on, “he stopped being a problem.”
* * *
Five considers the ceiling.
“A difficult time at work,” he ponders. “Well, Derek was murdered. That was very, very difficult.”
“Murdered?” whispers Frood.
“Murdered,” says Five. “Downstairs in the staff-room. Outside the kitchenette. I was working late. I heard a noise and went to check. And there was Derek, in a pool of blood.”
Tabitha from Human Resources says, “Christ.”
Five pinches the bridge of his nose.
“Indeed,” he murmurs.
* * *
Six shifts in her chair. She inspects the toe of her shoe.
“A difficult time at work,” she says.
She strokes her chin.
“Well,” she says. “Derek got murdered. We all found that somewhat problematic.”
Frood looks up.
“Downstairs in the staff-room,” Six continues. “Outside the kitchenette. Someone stabbed him through the heart.”
“The heart?” says Bristow.
“Four times through the left ventricle,” says Six. “Like this. Probably.”
She demonstrates.
“Jesus,” says Tabitha from Human Resources.
“Indeed,” says Six.
* * *
Five closes his eyes. He rubs his temples.
“Actually,” he says, “Finding Derek in a pool of blood was just the start.”
“Seriously?” says Frood.
“Obviously, I called the police,” Five says. “But they thought I’d killed him.”
“Oh God,” says Tabitha from Human Resources.
“I hadn’t,” says Five. “Of course. But there he was, and there I was. I probably shouldn’t have touched the body.”
“They say you shouldn’t,” says Bristow.
Five goes on.
“I spent three days in a cell. They questioned me for hours. It only stopped when they realised a window was open in the staff-room. Someone must have got in through it, killed Derek, and got out again. Poor guy. Derek, I mean. If someone hadn’t left that window open, he’d still be alive. Then again, if they’d closed it, I’d still be in jail.”
* * *
Six leans back in her chair. She stretches her arms above her head, and stares at Bristow.
“Of course,” she says, “Derek getting what was coming to him was just the start. Funny, really. Initially, some poor bugger in the office got the blame. He found the body. And disturbed the killer. But the police convinced themselves it was him.”
She brushes something off the sleeve of her blouse.
“You know what they’re like. Right now, the silly arse could be doing life behind bars. In fact, I’d have put money on it. But one of the windows in the staff-room was left open, and, it finally dawned on everyone, that was how the killer got in.”
She leans forward.
“And out,” she says. “Think about it. If it hadn’t been for that open window, an innocent man would be rotting in jail. And the real killer would have got away scot-free.”
* * *
Five stares at the floor. He clasps his hands.
“What did I learn?” he says.
His voice begins to catch.
“Well, all sorts of things about staying calm, telling the truth, and trusting the process. Maybe, on reflection, making sure windows are closed and locked, although that really wasn’t my responsibility.”
* * *
Six arches her back. She sweeps her hands through her hair.
“What did I learn?” she says. She looks towards the door, as if expecting someone to come through it.
“All sorts of things,” she continues. “The risks and benefits of acting on impulse. The importance of planning and attention to detail. How crucial it is to work things out in advance.”
“Like?” asks Frood.
“Like knowing who’s working late,” Six says. “Like what and where a ventricle is. How to shut and lock a window from the outside. If it’s actually possible to shut and lock a window from the outside.”
She looks at the backs of her hands. She looks at Bristow.
“Spoiler alert,” she tells him. “It isn’t.”
In the corridor, the tea trolley stops, waits, and moves off again.
04/15/2025
09:04:20 AM