On Abraham Van Helsing

On Abraham Van Helsing
by Dracula Lugosi

As told to Jerry A. Sierra

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.” - Frederich Nietzsche

He may just be the most overrated monster-hunter/vampire-killer in history. Yet his existence only points to the power of mankind’s fear and desire for the mysterious and the unknown.

His popularity is not based on any success or achievement. Nor on any capacity for understanding or enlightenment. Nor, I might add, in the various film performances, as played by Mel Brooks (my favorite), Peter Cushing, Hugh Jackman and others.

Abraham Van Helsing adds nothing to the meaning of humanity. He was once a legitimate physician, devoted to healing the sick, before trading his Hippocratic Oath for an oath to kill.

I ask that you reflect on what Van Helsing has accomplished in his long years. Consider how many innocent humans or docile vampires he has killed by mistake in a violent rage… and how often he’s forgiven for it by a corrupt clergy. All based on the assumption that vampires are evil and must be killed.

Respectfully, I wish to challenge that assumption.

Vampires are not evil. Nor are we the monsters depicted in pop culture. The comparisons on MS-Now editorials between myself and President Trump are insulting. I’ve never cheated a business partner, and I always paid my bills (even the movies attest to this), and I’ve never assaulted a woman in a dressing room.

Vampires make up less than 5% of the population. We’re not doomed to the night. We don’t think of people as food. We like movies and operas and technology. We’re not invisible in mirrors and we’re not allergic to the cross. We have jobs and hobbies and intellectual curiosity, and we guard our privacy.

Most people don’t know if their coworker, or their neighbor, or their masseuse is a vampire. This is for our protection.

Our so called “victims” give up a small portion of their blood willingly and pleasurably. And they don’t die. They trade it for a deep, intense pleasure they can only get from a vampire.

You may ask why most movies and novels do not address this major discrepancy. Or why there’s never been a truthful movie (or novel, or comic book, or tv show) about vampires.

One thing is true about the movies. You can’t kill us with bullets.

The tendency for violent expression in 21^st century transactions make those deemed as “others” easy prey for those claiming to be “normal” or “superior.”

Vampires are easy “others” for those that don’t want to face their inner-racist. As are zombies.

It is speculated now that zombies were created at Bob Jones University in South Carolina so that rednecks could hunt and kill them. Or die trying. It was a “game” that would pave the way for the Proud Boys and other violent extremists to follow. A signpost for things to come.

Once the zombie virus escaped or was released from states like Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, Arkansas, and Florida, the need for guns & ammo was clear.

We also noticed an attempt to produce artificial conflicts between Vampires and Werewolves… they even made some movies and cartoons about it, with pretty girls and special effects… but we could see the puppeteering efforts of a white supremist minority antagonizing black and brown communities to kill each other.

We didn’t bite.

We saw through that… even as Van Helsing and his troops massacred innocents dressed as vampires for a High School party (now remembered as The High School Party Massacre) and nobody was charged with a crime after a suggested possible pardon by then President Trump (in his second year in office), and Senator Lindsey Graham’s reference to the massacre as a “nothing burger” or the more recent “killing all the right people.”

At every turn towards increased societal and institutional violence, Abraham Van Helsing has been there pushing us out towards the sociopolitical extreme that makes U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert (Colorado) a political possibility.

I appreciate how some of you may question the legitimate right of a vampire to comment on the human experience. That even a human murderer exists on a higher scale than a vampire.

Again, with respect, I beg to differ.

I was born human. God and nature transformed me into what I am today, for reasons of their own and without seeking my approval. And no church on this Earth, however well-staffed and organized, has a divine right to send an assassin after me, or any of my kind.

In the hundred and fifty years that Van Helsing pursued me on behalf of the Secret Order of The Holy Cross, he has been responsible for significantly more human deaths than all vampires.

Van Helsing’s victims experience excruciating deaths, particularly his human mistakes, who are frequently subjected to crude, shallow, action movie remarks as they’re murdered. Their bodies are most often incinerated, if only to cover up evidence and concoct a suitable story for the media.

Today the Secret Order remains as influential and well-funded as ever. Why hasn’t the Vatican put as much effort into stopping pederast priests from molesting innocent children (which does significantly more harm than vampires) in the West?

As the number of casualties presented in vampire movies increases, do we ignore reality for the thrill of simple fiction?

If I killed, it was in self-defense, not to feed. He kills to appease a vengeful clergy… to fulfill some toxic masculinity kink worthy of Tucker Carlson. I killed men only when they were trying to kill me.

My existence may be considered an ungraceful and misguided dance of God and nature, but I don’t kill for sport. Nor for target practice. And contrary to movies, books, and propaganda, I am a gentle being. The last time one of my concubines died was in 1929, in San Francisco. It was an accident that I should have foreseen, and I’ve carried the weight of Victoria’s passing every day since.

Also contrary to popular beliefs, my concubines are happy to give me some of their blood. There has never been a complaint, other than a jealous husband incapable of satisfying his wife. Or a restraining order, or a civil suit filed against me. Van Helsing is charged with dozens of crimes and grievances throughout Western Europe, and possibly twice as many in the states.

In a culture beaming with right-wing, racist, and sexist extremes, Van Helsing is the poster boy for the “shoot first” preference of New America.

According to a secret Vatican study leaked earlier this year, 38% of non-vampire humans killed by Van Helsing’s troops are of African ancestry, 27% are Mexican, Spanish or Latinos, and 61% of all killed (vampire or werewolves), are women. This, in light of a 2024 CDC report indicating that vampire communities in the U.S. are nearly 68% male. Human females, apparently, have a lower rate of survival for what Dr. Fauci calls “human-vampire transition.”

Vampires are humans transformed. Or transitioned.

Is there a reason why these facts are not consistently explored and verified in the news media? Why is it that Rachel Maddow NEVER mentions the number of accidental human deaths in Helsing’s vampire raids? The last time Helsing was on her show he got nothing but softball questions… like Elon Musk on Real Time with Bill Maher.

President Trump’s new warnings of “killer Vampires among us” is inspiring attacks on Democrats, often accused of Vampirism by social media schemes circulated by Republican Congressmen and a certain Supreme Court Justice’s white wife.

An increasing number of citizens are ready for violence at a moment’s call, and it’s not vampires being killed, it’s humans, gay humans, Jewish humans, black, Latino and Asian humans. And more recently, a new category has emerged: humans drinking Bud Light at parks or sporting events.

Of all the things that can kill you in Florida, vampires are not near the top ten, but the fantasy of “getting the bad guy” runs deep in that state. And that fantasy is deadlier than any real threat.

As the level of human brutality increases in accordance with the proliferation of technology and the decrease in public education (and civility), should we allow the presence of a few vampires to become another excuse for murder?

This new aggression by humans towards each other, towards anything that can possibly be deemed “different,” and against things they don’t yet understand, is in direct conflict with the promise of human potential revealed by DaVinci, Mozart, Shakespeare, and Roddenberry. Potential for art, science, astronomy, mathematics… Human potential for empathy… understanding, insight… love.

Vampires have the same potential as humans. The same capacity for love. We write poems and symphonies, maybe some of your favorites. We design buildings that don’t sink or lean, and we fly planes that cross the oceans and land safely.

Over the last 120 years, Vampires have suffered increased hostilities from those willing to follow Van Helsing’s violent leadership. And we’ve not retaliated. The public perception of vampires still comes from movies (which are increasingly violent and silly) and from Vertigo Comics, the single most influential source of anti-vampire sentiment. This perception only serves the MAGA community, and those who would willingly go back to the racist brutality of earlier times.

And we don’t kill people unless they try to kill us.

Abraham Van Helsing must be publicly condemned for his crimes against humanity. He must be excommunicated from the Catholic Church and stripped of the “murder” privileges that no being should have (not even 007).

He must be charged with murder and prosecuted for the High School Party Massacre, now being made into a Netflix mini-series, featuring Van Helsing as the lead antagonist.

In a surprising turn of irony, I confronted Van Helsing in the third month of Trump’s new administration at a secret underground passageway between the White House and 17^th Street. The old passageway was re-opened during the first year of JFK’s administration so he could sneak in Marylin Monroe without prying eyes or members of the press finding out. It was again used extensively by Team Crazy during the planning for Trump’s failed January 6 Insurrection.

I told Van Helsing that I just wanted to talk, but if he chose to, we could do battle, and I would kill him. That no Vampire had ever lost to a human in hand-to-hand combat.

I added that it did not have to be like that between us. That there was no way his side could win, given the serious disparities in justice and the grave need for unity and cooperation in the country. Nature herself will eventually restore peace.

Sadly, the Vampire killer did not seem to understand a word I said, and he stepped back rapidly before responding; “Why should I kill you now, Vampire, with no one here to see you fall?”

I was surprised to hear Brad Pitt’s speech from “Troy,” a poor substitute for a lack of bravery. I was again surprised when he took off running back to the White House.

Maybe I should have slain him right then and there… leaving his bloody corpse on the ground for someone to discover.

But that could create a martyr, and it would not be polite, or gentlemanly.

Article © Jerry A. Sierra. All rights reserved.
Published on 2026-01-26