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September 26, 2022

Vampires 101

By Lydia Manx

How To Seduce Him

By Gabriella Everett

Come on girlfriends, give it up. You can't get him without some hard and fast rules. My rules. They say sex sells, ha! That is not what sells. What sells is knowing how to find him and nail him. Ooops, we don't say those words around the coffin crowd as they tend to get edgy. You may remember me from the Dark Whispers spread last winter. I am one of the best vampires out there. Don't ask where because it will just keep you up at night. We don't want you up unless you have found Mister Right. Or at least Mister Night for now, my personal fanged favorite.

First off, you need to have the right look. Goth is so last week. Forget the black and gloomy ill fitting clothes. Wipe off that white clown makeup and toss the greasy black liner into the trash. Come on and show off your ink and piercings. I know that last winter I too sported some killer kohl eyes with my blue peepers out there for all to see. But now, ladies, forget about that and learn to accessorize! Glitter is in again. That's right. So we need to revamp those tired old rags with some new clothing and makeup.

The clothing can still be black but look for sleek and peek. Leave the big clunky boots in the closet with your brother's coat. Instead let bits of art be shown with a slip of the shoulder or a cut out on the back, wherever your best assets are don't hide them... show them off! Note to keep the finer bits of steel and gems covered well to avoid those nasty confrontations. You kids know what I am talking about, so please be good! And when you can't be good, don't get caught!

Makeup can still be applied to those lovely eyes and lusciously pouty lips. The lips need to be accented to show off their best points, fanged ones, of course. If you don't naturally come equipped with long sharp teeth your dentist will make you a pair to pop in for the quick fix until you grow your own. Eye makeup is deep purple and sparkly gray or black. But remember to keep a light hand on the eyeliner, let's not look like desperate ladies. A little mystique of liquid gold can enhance those windows to your soul and hopefully his.

So we women need to keep our focus on looking ever so delicious and just perfect. Men like to have us as ornamentation. Let them think that for now and if you play your cards right you can be wearing something shiny and bright before summer. We never let them know we are in charge until it is far too late!

Now that you are outfitted we need to find the right spot to unearth your Mister Night. Or for the more vanilla gals out there... your Mister Right. Either one it doesn't matter because the pond can have many fish and with your looks he will be hooked in no time. Toss back the losers and keep only the winners! Remember you are in charge don't you forget it!

Now here is the biggest tip I have for you lucky ladies. Find a guy with a distinctive nose. Over the decades I have found them to be delightfully good and ideal men. They try so hard to do everything just perfect. Wine sampling parties. A great spot for the large nosed men and rarely are they taken. Sometimes it is a bit tricky getting them to ditch their moms and aunts but with the judicious over pouring of your wine glass into theirs you will have the chaperone on the floor in no time. Another note here is make sure to help the old dear to the bathroom. This has the benefit of cover two bases, keeps the man away from the bad influence (mom or aunt) and makes you look helpful when you are dumping her in a stall and closing the door. If you shared enough wine with the loved one she won't be coming out any time soon.

Now that the pond is ready for fishing go back to see how your future Mister is looking. If he appears to be a bit shaky and fearful, great you have him right where you want him. Did you take the time to reapply some new lipstick when dumping the relative in the bathroom? If not, bite your lower lip carefully. Not too hard. No need to draw blood, not yours at least.

Shake off the doldrums of that bad overpriced wine and make your way back to your intended entertainment. His mom won't be heading out anytime soon if you did your job right. He is the one with his nose stuck in the glass sniffing the aroma of mediocre wines. Trust me you can put that face of his to better use. Wander next to him and tell him his loved one is indisposed and wanted you to make him comfortable. He will buy that since he has been taken care of all of his life. He is so ripe for the picking.

Now you have gone to all the trouble of looking so delightful be proud of it and smile nicely hiding the fangs, he's not ready for that yet. Don't worry that he needs some work. That is why you are reading this magazine. You know and I know that men are just dying to be changed.

Ooops, be careful about using the word dying. That is for future plans not something you want to hit them with right away. They tend to run back to their moms too fast to see. Moms don't like to share their little boys regardless of your intentions. And they installed all the buttons you are going to push so they know the tricks. Heck, those buttons are so sweet! They open doors for you, buy you flowers, jewelry and if you play those cards right anything your little heart desires.



Originally appeared 2005-04-03.

Article © Lydia Manx. All rights reserved.
Published on 2013-04-01
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