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April 15, 2024

Schnozzmo Astrology

By Cheryl Haimann


That new man in your life is charming, but make sure he is not a Cyrano de Bergerac, pretending to be something he is not. Let him know you appreciate him just as he is, giant beak and all.

The 2nd is your best day to organize your spice rack.


Nixon may not have been a crook, but someone you work with might be. Sniff around and see what you can find out about those shrinking profits.

Join the circus on the 16th.


The twins Mercurial nature makes you change you mind more often than Michael Jackson changes his nose. Do your best to stay centered, and that special man will see you for the Thriller that you are.

On the 10th and 23rd, avoid citrus fruits.


This is your month to be a homebody. Like Samantha Stevens, you have a knack for getting mundane tasks done effortlessly. You man will be bewitched by your efforts.

After the full moon, vacuum the cat.


Is that man a little chintzy with the jewels? Go ahead indulge yourself with some new bling, the more unconventional, the better. Take a tip from stargazer Tycho Brahe, who made himself a gold nose mask. Sexy!

After the 7th, wear more puce.


Virgos are, as Barbra Streisand sang, "people who need people." Just take care that you don't become too demanding and drive away those you desire.

Marksmanship lessons should wait until after the 28th.


To thine own self be true. Spend this month clearing away anything in your life that is as fake as Jennifer Gray's new nose. Your budding career will thank you.

The 3rd through 7th favor prank calls to government officials.


Just like the Great Profile, John Barrymore, you can't say no to anything that might be bad for you. This month, though, reckless abandon is on your side, so indulge your wildest urges.

Thursdays are perfect for going barefoot all day.


There is a Pinocchio in your midst, and despite his charm, his lies are easy to spot if you pay attention. Don't let him get too close until you see signs that he has mended his evil ways.

The 12th is your Day to Disco.


You still have time for one last trip to the ski slopes. If your man balks, tell him, in the words of Bob Hope, "Thanks for the memories."

On the 19th, break all of your stemware in the alley.


Mercury's retrograde has made you a regular Wicked Witch of the West recerntly. This month, put your broom to more productive uses, like tidying up your boudoir for romantic nights ahead.

Hand-tint black and white photos between the 8th and 11th.


Admit it. You've been living on the wild side. Slow down a little this month, before you end up looking like W. C. Fields after a bender.

On the 29th, cut out the toes on your best friend's socks.

Article © Cheryl Haimann. All rights reserved.
Published on 2005-04-03
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