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December 05, 2022

Are You At Risk For Aging?

By Tedi Trindle

I know you've heard it has happened to other people you know. It starts with a crinkle at the corner of the eye, and, next thing you know, you're older. How can this be? You've done everything right. You've maintained every diet of the minute, done a million crunches, lied about your birthday, joined every gym, used every moisturizer, and frankly, you look great. Your plastic surgeon has you on speed dial and your personal fitness trainer sends you 10 emails every day. Still, you wonder, am I going to age?

What, exactly, is your risk of aging? There are many questions the answers to which will tell you your exact chances of suffering from old age. No one wants to grow old. But by circumstances of birth and genetics, it's possible that, through no fault of your own, you, too, will grow old, possibly wither, then die. Are you at risk?

Ok, you're young, and you look even younger than you are. And if you buy some more moisturizer and were just a little more diligent about your daily beauty care, you'd look even younger. With a little bit of luck and the right products, you'd be seventeen. Unless you already are. If so, keep reading, because you won't be forever.

Ok, you're seventeen, and you want to stay seventeen forever. Here are the questions you must ask yourself in order to determine your aging status. a) Did my mother age? If so, well, how? b) Did her mother age? Again, how? c) are you buying the right beauty products? If not, well, why?

It is my considered belief upon my relatively recent status as an aging expert that you will not grow old. At least, you won't if you buy the product which I will endorse shortly. But first, I must worry you about the fact that you might grow old.

Everybody feels sorry for old people. They don't stand up straight and they have lost track of all the best designers. Nobody wants to be like that. I know I don't. The first time I thought I might be getting older, I help up my hand and said, "Oh, no, you diduhn't!", and stopped it right there. None of that aging stuff for me.

So, I took a long, long look in the mirror and asked myself, "Are you at risk for aging?" I would like to tell you that I was able to say, "No way!" But, alas, I saw that my belly button was neither pert nor pierced. My eyes were starting to show the years of laughing I'd done. And my breasts... well... we won't go there. So I was inspired to do something about it.

The truth is, we are all at risk for aging. Only our bodies know for sure. One day we can be seventeen, the next we are like thirty or something. —shudder— There are a few simple checks we can make to know if aging is something we should really spend time worrying about.

First of all, you need to check your respiration. Now, I know for some of you this is really technical, but it's really not as difficult as it sounds. When you breathe out, do you consequently breathe in again? Good. Is this a habit? Oh, not so good. It could be a sign of aging. It is well known that people who repetitively breathe back in again after they breathe out are at risk. Ok, next test...

Poke a pin in your hand. No place important mind you. Did it hurt? Good. Did you bleed? Oh, sorry, not so good. The fact that you bleed that easily is not a good sign. Did you stop bleeding? Ick. Did it stain the carpet? Nevermind.

Do you occasionally get hungry, and when you do, do you eat? Do you require water and light and fresh air? Are you of a mind to reproduce? All of these things can be conquered, mind you.

When you go to the store, do people wait on you? When you say something, does someone respond? Oh, wait, this might be too advanced for the beginners reading this.

I'm sorry to say that if you have answered yes to any of these questions, you might be at risk for aging. So, let's go back to your childhood. When you were little, did you know what you wanted to be when you were seventeen? Have you achieved that childhood dream yet?

I know I have. After I discovered that I was aging against my will, I developed a product. With just a little bit of Dr. Demure's Anti-Aging Cream and a wish and a prayer, I have become seventeen forever. I will never grow older, and, now, you don't have to either! Forget about those scientific signs of existience, kids. With only fifty bucks, you, too, can never grow old. Here's how.

First, send me fifty bucks. Then I will send you the DDAA Cream and a list of ways to stop the aging process forever. Postage and handling is included! Never again will you have to look thirty when you are only, oh, twenty-seven. This offer is limited, you must act now.

If you buy into this program, not only will you receive the DDAA cream and the list of ways to stop the aging process forever, if you call in the next fifteen minutes, I can guarantee that you, or someone you love, will become prom queen. Yes! It can happen to you.

So, if you've ever wondered if you are at risk for aging, wonder no more. The world is right there for the taking, if you will just reach out.

Article © Tedi Trindle. All rights reserved.
Published on 2005-04-03
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