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October 03, 2022

In The Garden

By Alexandra Queen

Anyone will tell you that the Creator Spirit is perfect, and there are those who would say He created everything just as it is, because He knew exactly what He had in mind, and that it was Good. Not everyone considers efficiency to be a mark of perfection, however, and there are some that might tell you a different tale of the beginning of things.

Long ago, when the world was young, the Creator Spirit decided to make a companion creature to enjoy the world He had made. "Man", He called it, and He made two of them.

The men rejoiced in the gift of Life, and set about naming all the creatures under the skies and in the waters. Soon, however, the Creator Spirit noticed a problem.

"Whassap, Adam and Steve," the Creator Spirit greeted them in the manner of their speaking. "How goes the naming of creatures?"

"Sup, Big G," the men greeted Him in return. "We're tearin it up. Check it out -- we've named The Stripey Thing, The Brown Thing, and the Thing With The Funky Looking Hemorrhoids."

The Creator Spirit hrmed slightly as He regarded the zebra, the wildebeest and the baboon. "Didn't you also name the bear, the marmot and the buffalo 'The Brown Thing'?"

"Yeah. You might, like, wanna do something about that, Big Guy. Like, throw in some variety or something."

"Ri-i-ight.... what's that smell?"

"Oh, that's Steve."

"Shut up, dude, that's all you!"

"Yeah, we, like, gave up washing."

The Creator Spirit pursed His lips. "Gave up ...washing?"

"Yeah, it's just like this major hassle. By the end of the day, you stink again anyway, so why bother?"

"Ri-i-ight."

So the Creator Spirit considered the idea of Man and came up with an improvement. She started over and placed Woman in the world to enjoy all of creation. The two women She made rejoiced in the gift of Life, and set about naming all the creatures under the skies and in the waters.

"Anna, Eve, you both look wonderful today, have you lost weight?" the Creator Spirit greeted them one evening in the manner of their speaking.

"Omigod, Anna! Look! It's the Creator Spirit!"

"Hi-eee! Omigod, Your Hair looks totally perfect today!"

"Um, thank you," the Creator Spirit replied. "How are you two doing with the naming of creatures?"

"Omigod, we are having so much fun! Anna had this totally great idea. Remember the Misty Chocolate Eyed Generous Givers of Tasty But Fattening Dairy Products that we named yesterday?"

The Creator Spirit nodded. "The cow, yes."

"So, Anna decided that we would name the mahogany colored one 'Contessa Clarissima du Cud', and so then I said, 'Let's name the coffee colored one 'Marquisa Mariannabelle de Moo'' and then Anna was all, 'Omigod that's so perfect! Let's name the mocha latte one with the foofy tail 'Mistress Marmalinda May du Methane'' and so I said...."

"Um, hold on a sec," interrupted the Creator Spirit. "What's that smell?"

"Oh," Eve held up her hands. "That's potpourri. You would not believe how bad that thing with the funky hemorrhoids on its butt smells by ten a.m."

"Oh, I know! We were, like, all, 'Take a bath, you nasty little apes!' and they were all, like, waving branches and throwing feces at us! We're trying to collect signatures to ask You to, like, move them somewhere else."

"Ri-i-ight," said the Creator Spirit.

The next improvement was less a creative breakthrough than a final adjustment, and the Creator Spirit introduced the two companion creatures to each other with the satisfied air of a painter putting the finishing touches on a canvas.

"Adam, I'd like you to meet Eve. Eve, this is Adam."

"Ugh! What's that smell?"

"Uh, that's me."

"You should, like, totally wash. You smell like that funky hemorrhoid monkey."

"You're pretty."

"I think we should plant a whole bunch of freesias here to counteract the stink... what?"

"I said you're pretty," Adam repeated, blushing.

Eve was rendered completely speechless.

The Creator Spirit smiled and decided that it was Good.

Article © Alexandra Queen. All rights reserved.
Published on 2007-04-16
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