Alien mind control.
Cell phone radiation.
Twenty-four hour mariachi radio stations.
These dangers and more permeate the very air around us, hammering unseen at the delicate organ that is the human brain.
Brain lesions, erratic behavior, voices in your head, a persistent belief that television shows like American Top Model are "good" -- all of these are symptoms of the damaging environment surrounding our minds every day.
Writers are exceptionally vulnerable, often suffering catastrophic writers' block.
Even undesirable pet behaviors like digging, chewing on furniture, and dragging the rectum across shag carpeting are usually caused by the toxic soup in our atmosphere.
Tin foil hats.
Not only are tin foil hats a safe, effective and economical way to block unwanted electromagnetic frequencies and psychic trespassing, they're also drop dead sexy. Toss on a tin foil hat and watch the glitter in your loved one's eye reflect off the shiny faceted surface of your "love beanie". Perfect for men, women, pets and even tropical fish, tin foil hats prevent brain lesions, improve test scores, and (when properly applied) reduce sterility while preventing unwanted pregnancies.
Note: If persistent alien abduction situations exist, supplement use of tin foil hat with light weaponry and fight to the death if necessary. Remember: never let them probe you alive.
Originally appeared 2006-03-27.