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January 23, 2023

Tin Foil Hats

By Piker Press Staff

Assistant Editor Cheryl Haimann in tin foil hat.

Government radiation.

Pyschic intrustion.

Alien mind control.

Cell phone radiation.

Demonic influences.

Twenty-four hour mariachi radio stations.

These dangers and more permeate the very air around us, hammering unseen at the delicate organ that is the human brain. Piker Press Contributor Tedi Trindle and friend Dinger in tin foil hats.

Brain lesions, erratic behavior, voices in your head, a persistent belief that television shows like American Top Model are "good" -- all of these are symptoms of the damaging environment surrounding our minds every day.

Writers are exceptionally vulnerable, often suffering catastrophic writers' block.

Even undesirable pet behaviors like digging, chewing on furniture, and dragging the rectum across shag carpeting are usually caused by the toxic soup in our atmosphere.

The answer?

Tin foil hats.

Managing Editor Sand Pilarski in a tin foil hat.

Not only are tin foil hats a safe, effective and economical way to block unwanted electromagnetic frequencies and psychic trespassing, they're also drop dead sexy. Toss on a tin foil hat and watch the glitter in your loved one's eye reflect off the shiny faceted surface of your "love beanie". Perfect for men, women, pets and even tropical fish, tin foil hats prevent brain lesions, improve test scores, and (when properly applied) reduce sterility while preventing unwanted pregnancies.

Editor Emeritus Alexandra Queen in a tin foil hat.

Note: If persistent alien abduction situations exist, supplement use of tin foil hat with light weaponry and fight to the death if necessary. Remember: never let them probe you alive.



Originally appeared 2006-03-27.

Article © Piker Press Staff. All rights reserved.
Published on 2013-04-01
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