So I was staring into my closet this morning, agonizing over what to wear when I suddenly remembered the obvious: it's Nude Recreation Week. That's right, July 8th to the 14th is held sacred by naturists all across the nation as a week to celebrate birthday suits by going out to their favorite nude beaches (and being exceptionally watchful for jellyfish), by getting together in their own backyards (presumably for weenie roasts), and by going to regional nude festivals (visit the Portuguese Hall for a naked feshta - you thought the chicken dance was hilarious fully dressed).
How do you word the invitation for a nude backyard party?
"Dear friends, we're holding a small get-together in…" No -- holding small anythings sounds bad. Really bad. "Hosting a modest event"? Um. "Celebrating an event embraced by the nudist community"? Eek! How about just "Don't call the cops, we're naturalists!"
Apparently Nude Recreation Week started back in the 70's as a way to promote body acceptance. So what kind of activities are involved in "nude recreation"? At the Western Naturist Gathering, to be held from July 25-28th in Los Gatos, CA this year, they have an entire weekend filled with nude recreational fun. A few excerpts from their program:
- find friends -- Uh huh. I'm sure. I have a suspicion that anyone who goes to a nudist event to meet people is not someone you want to hang out with (no pun intended) on a regular basis.
- pick up games of tennis and volleyball throughout the weekend -- Do these people really play on a hot tennis court barefoot? If not, do they wear tennis shoes and those silly little tennis socks with the pompom on them - and nothing else? And could you really keep a straight face playing against someone dressed like that? Of course it makes perfect sense to play volleyball naked. The volleyball events are, of course, sponsored by the makers of support undergarments, who line the courts with their booths and make a killing as all sorts of brand-new ex-nudists flock to take their aching, flapping bits and prop them up with newly purchased unnatural underwires and the like.
- scuba diving -- Well, that makes sense. You're nudists, fer god's sake. Do something cool.
- dancing -- You thought I was kidding about the funky chicken, didn't you?
- singalongs -- Still not kidding.
- weenie roasts -- Okay, now I'm kidding.
- creating nude photography -- Who are they trying to kid?
- classic nudist movies -- Who could forget such heartwarming family classics as "Bare Knobs and Broom Sticks", "Swinging in the Rain", "The Schwing and I", "Schlong With the Wind", "Ernest Goes to Nudist Camp", and "Richard the Third"?
- yoga -- Well, I suppose it's easier than finding clothes that will stretch enough.
- day trip to a nude beach -- Finally, a nudist activity that's easy for the non-nudist to wrap their brain around. Just when you think you're starting to catch on, the program of events advises for this one that you bring a jacket. I'll never understand 'em. So it's okay to bring clothes to protect yourself from cold, but they're not going to advise those poor volleyball players "bring a jock"?
- Nude on the Beach - a one act play -- Oh, wow. The artsy nude crowd. Live nude theatre. Uh huh.
- A seminar on Getting Published in Nude and Natural magazine -- Okay, I'll admit it. Become a nudist and get published? I won't say the thought didn't cross my mind. I mean, I already sit around in my underwear and write… then I thought about what would happen if the editor asked me to join the magazine's volleyball team. Ouch. Rejection slips from the Clothed sound less painful.
Is it just me or did it sound like the program hasn't changed much since the 70's? Singalongs. Dancing. Art films. Pot smoking and macrame in the parking lot. These naturists need to get with it, have more events in tune with the new millennium. You know - Extreme, In-Your-Face Nudism. Er, so to speak. (Ick.)
Extreme Nudist Recreation
- Extreme Nude Bungee Jumping Hah! You thought your silly games of volleyball got bounce? Just remember - there's nothing between you, the spectator, and total loss of sphincter control from the nudist hurtling sixty feet straight down with nothing but an oversized rubber band between him and certain death. It's just like the whale show at Sea World. Be sure to sit outside the "splash zone".
- Extreme Nude Mountain Biking Go on! Go hurtling down a mountain trail at 35 mph wearing nothing but a grin. Those wussies with the helmets and the heavy canvas shorts think they're so tough.
- Extreme Nudist Deep Frying It takes one helluva tough nudist to stand in front of a hot stove when that hot grease starts a-spattering. Talk about your Iron Chefs.
- Extreme Nudist Whack-A-Mole Don't miss.
- Extreme Nudist Ice Skating For those of you with childhoods in snowy climes, remember the old dare about licking the flag pole? There are just some things you don't want stuck to an ice skate blade.
- Extreme Nudist Weenie Roasts It takes an intrepid nudist to take on this event. It's tough listening to all the sniggering from the spectators.
- Extreme Nudist Profit Inflating The naturalists at Enron started this one. It's kind of a stupid idea, but for some reason it's all the rage lately.
- Extreme Nude Driving While Talking On Your Cell Phone Makes it easier to kiss your ass goodbye when you wreck from not paying enough attention to the road.
It all sounds like so much fun, one hardly knows where to begin. And it certainly solved that troublesome dilemma of what to wear. Oh, yes, that's where I'll begin: by putting on every item of clothing in my closet. Scarlett O'Hara said it best in that family classic, "Schlong With the Wind" when she said, "So help me God, I'll never be naked again!"