Piker Press Banner
June 17, 2024

Beep

By Dan Mulhollen

"Welcome to our automated call center," the cheerful, female voice said. "If you wish to speak to one of our customer representatives, please press one."

Beep.

"Thank you," the same voice replied. "Our next customer representative will be available in three...hundred... and...forty...two...minutes. If you wish to return to our automated service please press one."

Beep.

"Thought so. If this call is in reference to a recent direct purchase, please press one. If it's regarding warranty information, please press two. If it's regarding a technical problem, please press three."

Beep.

"Due to a cost-cutting initiative, our technical support center is in the process of relocating from India to Malawi. We have set up a special automated technical call center to handle this crisis. If you wish to reach this facility, please press one."

Beep.

"Hi again." the same voice responded, as annoyingly chipper as ever. "If your call concerns a model 1250 series or lower, please press one. If it concerns a model 1400 through 1780 press two. A model 1800 through 3000 press three. A model 4550 through 8000 press four. For any unlisted model, please press the pound sign, the model number, and then the star sign."

Beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep.

"I see you have selected the model 3301. One moment please." After about thirty seconds of generic light jazz, the voice returns. "We seem to lack any information on that particular model. Are you sure you purchased the item from a legitimate dealer? If yes, please press one. If no, please press two."

Beep.

"Please say the name of the company you purchased this product from."

"Oregon Technical Products,"

"Would your repeat that, please?"

"Oregon Technical Products.

"Did you say Organ Technical Products?" Press one for "yes" and two for "no"."

Beep.

"Please say the name of the company you purchased this product from."

"Oregon Technical Products.

"Did you say Orgasm Technical Products?"

"No you stupid bitch, Oregon!"

"There is no need to be abusive," the voice whimpered. "Do you have any idea how stressful this job is? If so, press one. If not, press two."

Beep.

"I hope you realize this is a highly advanced system which required hundreds of thousands of man-hours of research, development, and testing to get to this point. This system is fully capable of handling over 95 percent of customer questions. We really do try our best to be as helpful as possible, believe me. But on occasion there are cases such as yours that we were not prepared to deal with. That is hardly the system's fault!"

There was silence for about fifteen seconds.

"If you feel any regret for your outburst, please press one. If not please press two."

Beep.

"Thank you. For our customer service department to get back to you, press your ten-digit phone number, the area code and then the regular number, followed by the pound sign. At this point press the number of the unit you are inquiring about, followed by the star."

After I punched in the information the voice returned. "You should hear from a customer service representative in four...hundred...and...two...minutes. Thank you, we deeply appreciate every contact we have with our customers. And thank you for using Marble Telecommunications Products, your first choice in automated telephone answering systems."

Article © Dan Mulhollen. All rights reserved.
Published on 2010-03-29
0 Reader Comments
Your Comments






The Piker Press moderates all comments.
Click here for the commenting policy.