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April 15, 2024

Ortega Spam

By Lydia Manx

Ortega-Morales, Somarie Ortega-MoralesS@medimmune.com
Jul 2 2011
I am Li Park from Hang Seng Bank Kindly get back to me if interested with a deal of $44,500.000.00.

Here are my private email to reach me with

Li Park

To the extent this electronic communication or any of its attachments contain information that is not in the public domain, such information is considered by MedImmune to be confidential and proprietary. This communication is expected to be read and/or used only by the individual(s) for whom it is intended. If you have received this electronic communication in error, please reply to the sender advising of the error in transmission and delete the original message and any accompanying documents from your system immediately, without copying, reviewing or otherwise using them for any purpose. Thank you for your cooperation.

My hands trembled as I read the message on my monitor. It was a sign. Life had been so ruinous lately I'd nearly forsaken the lasting memory of time. Time tended to work out the problems that reared their ugly heads often, if only I allowed the spirits to move about freely. I'd been locked inside my brain for far too long, and ignored all the portents and images that had been gifted me. Shame ripped through me.

Li Park. A noble name of an obvious brilliant moneymaker and a banker in Hong Kong, it would seem. A deal of massive amounts of cash! Millions -- perhaps billions to be made! There was opportunity in the wind, and it gave wing to my heart to be offered a chance to make some more money. Life was so dreary when penniless.

I did wonder if the poor soul was dying in a hospital given someone else seemed to have sent the email. MedImmune ... wow they sounded so respectable. Maybe they had a cure for what ailed me? I needed to seize the moment before time, being the fickle bitch she was, took it away.

Not wanting to frighten the presumably ill Li Park with my passions, I decided to email back to Somarie first.

Dear Somarie Ortega-Morales,

I welcomed the email you so properly sent to me. Naturally I am concerned about the welfare of Li Park. Hopefully Mister or is it Missus Park -- never the matter -- Hopefully sweet, dear, money-offering banker Li is well and not since passed onto the unexpected grand horizon of the afterlife.

Monies can easily be wired these days. Perhaps you will send me your account numbers so we can begin our profitable endeavor? The sheer joy of seeing someone reaching out from near the grave -- or is Li now in the grave? -- well never mind -- to be touched by such a missive goes beyond measure of trust and also offers opportunities. Please pen me in as interested.

Morava Sherman
No relation to the Civil War hero sadly.

Pensively I launched the email. Should I have left off the mention of the great Civil War General Sherman? I wanted to push a magic button and yank the email back, but it was already jaunting through cyber space to its destination. Destination and destiny had entwined themselves for me once again. The next few hours flew by with astounding speed. I kept pacing my small office and checking my email frequently, afraid I would miss my new found friend's answer. I worried my thumb, chewing on the edge of my thumbnail. I was quite literally biting my nails with anxiety. The days of wealth were waning, as was my health. I coughed too often after drinking strong whisky. I'd never done that in my youth. I paced and wondered if I needed a bracing shot of Jamison's to steady my nerves.

The clock chimed half past the hour, and to my dismay it was nearing three in the afternoon. Mentally I began to review the areas of the world and time zones, and concluded it was well into the night in England; thusly I was overly late in having my evening cocktail. Quickly I grasped the nearly empty bottle of Jamison's whisky and briskly tipped back the bottle allowing some of the tawny warmth to flow into my mouth and down my throat. A series of hacking coughs nearly made me return the liquid into the bottle, but I quickly gulped more to push it back into my belly. The molten liquid calmed me. I set the bottle down next to my computer and checked my email again.

Success! A small envelope icon let me see that I in fact had mail! The possibilities flooded my mind as I shakily stroked the keys. Looking at my palsied hands I knew that I needed more liquid fortification.

Horror clawed at my soul as it dawned on me it was possible that my kind offer to form a partnership in this new adventure would be rejected! Fear laced my mind and I took a minute to breathe, and of course take another much needed sip of whisky. Okay, it wasn't perchance a sip, but more along the lines of a steadying gulp. I raked my fingers through my hair and tried to calm myself. The whisky burned warmly in my stomach and eventually my mind. Fortified, I was as ready as I would ever be.

Kindly, Morava Sherman, remove me from your email list. I have absolutely no idea who this Li Park is you refer to and am not in any manner associated with a Hong Kong bank. What sort of deranged person would email their bank account information to a complete stranger?

Good day.

Somarie Ortega-Morales

I fell to the floor in confusion and perhaps a wee bit too much fortification coursing through my blood stream.

Somarie didn't know who Li Park was? What ever could that mean? Did it mean the opportunity wasn't meant for me? Did it mean that it was a conspiracy of epic proportions? I moaned and cried out at the injustice. What sort of Devil would promise riches and not deliver? Tears ran down my face as I steadily poured the remainder of the bottle of whisky down my throat. There must be something I could do? Who should I contact? I glared at the computer monitor -- wanting to strike out, but knowing that it was expensive to replaced the cursed screens -- it wasn't my first rodeo after all.

It came to me, and feverishly I began my reply.

Li Park,

I am taking the liberty of contacting you directly as Somarie Ortega-Morales is making utterly ridiculous claims of having no knowledge of you. I must assure you that I am one of the utmost discreet creatures to walk the earth and would never dream of being untruthful or duplicitous. I cannot speak to Somarie's nature as the brief correspondence betwixt us was not very forthcoming with facts and dismissive of my concerns to your welfare. That said, please allow me to venture into your deal forthwith.

Morava Sherman
No relation.

Before I could change my mind I hit the send button, and wallowed in worries. I was ready to face the future again. I found my second bottle of Jamison's whisky hidden cleverly beneath my jacket near the computer and took succor in the liquid. The evening took wing and I awaited more from Li Park. I was going to be rich!

Article © Lydia Manx. All rights reserved.
Published on 2011-08-15
2 Reader Comments
05:15:27 AM
Nice one. Clever how the character is created so quickly and lifts off the page (to pick up the whiskey bottle).
08:21:00 PM
Yes. I liked the very distinctive character voice in this, as well as the truly delusional viewpoint. Should encourage spammers everywhere.
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