Cowboy Jimmy

Call me Jimmy,
Cowboy Jimmy.

I rode into this
one-horse town
feelin' drier'n a
fox fart in a forest fire.

My ten-gallon hat
on a seven-gallon head
made it a bit difficult
to see where I was goin.'

So I saddled up to
the Lazy Dick Saloon,
one of those places
where the swingin' doors
slap your ass
when you walk in.
I tell you, I ain't been
spanked that hard
since I squatted
down to pick up
my six-gun with
my spurs still on.

I moseyed on up to the bar,
ordered me a whiskey,
an' said, How dee paahh dner.
But I reckon they don't talk
normal 'round these parts
cause it took'm a while
to catch on to my meanin.'

I was gettin'
more frustrated'n
a one-balled lizard
in a cave full of
female gila monsters.

Howdy partner!
shouted the bartender,
slappin' his knee
like a line caller
at a country hoe-down,
when he suddenly
got a tad suspicious
about my accent.
Say, you're not
from aroun'
these parts, are ya?

I looked him in the eye.
Reckon not,
baahhh tenda.

I suddenly found
myself staring down
the double barrels
of a shotgun
he pulled out
from behind the bar,
Is you callin' me
a sheep herder?

A what?
No, no, baaahhh tenda.

Y'all did it again.
Call me that
one more time
an' I'll blast you
so full of holes,
we'll use you
as a birdhouse
for woodpeckers.

I guzzled down my whiskey
in a single gulp.

While I choked on it,
I noticed in the mirror
the purtiest gal
I ever did see
walkin' down the stairs.

Since I was hornier'n
a two-peckered billy goat,
I gobbed a whookey
into the spitoon,
kinda sexy like,
an' called her over.
Can I buy you a drink,
li'l lady?

Sure can, cowboy.

What's a purty gal like you
doin' in a place like this?

Gettin' suckers like you
to buy me drinks.

Man, she was spunkier'n
a female wolverine
with her tail
caught in barbed wire.
An' I like 'em spunky.

An' here I sit now
writin' down my story.

If y'all ever pass by this way,
take a look in the far corner
of the Lazy Dick Saloon
an' you'll see an ol' man
drunker'n a blind salamander
takin' a whiskey bath,
sittin' at a table,
moochin' money
off strangers,
tryin' to buy
just one more drink.

That'll be Jimmy,
Cowboy Jimmy.