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June 10, 2024

The Pseudoscience That Will Enable Tom Brady To Play Into His Nineties

By Tim Miller

Age 42 -- the 2019-2020 off-season. Keep doing the TB12 Method: Wake up each morning at 6 AM without an alarm. Drink twenty ounces of water infused with TB12 electrolytes. Breakfast is a smoothie consisting of bananas, blueberries, seeds, and nuts. 8 AM workout focusing on muscle pliability. Follow workout with protein shake made from TB12 protein powder. Lunch includes a salad with fish. Snacks range from nuts to berries to TB12 protein bars. Dinner of chicken and roasted alkalizing, anti-inflammatory vegetables like broccoli, carrots, cucumbers, green beans, sweet potatoes, and zucchini. Avoid: alcohol, sugar, processed foods, trans fats. After dinner spend forty-five minutes studying the playbook in soft, diffuse light. Do not use nightshade vegetables like tomatoes, bell peppers, or eggplant in raw, uncooked lampshades. Relax by watching Tom vs. Time and brainstorm ideas for next season's Tom vs. Downtime. Drink 12 glasses of water a day. Do cognitive destress exercises before going to sleep in cold, dark room. Lights out by 9PM.

Ages 43-45. Refine the TB12 Method: Wake up each morning at 6 AM to the sound of mourning doves cooing. Drink twenty-four ounces of water with TB12 maximum diffusing electrolyte umbrella. Add TB12 baking soda tablets to breakfast smoothie to increase alkalizing, anti-inflammatory effects. Enhance muscle elasticity with "extra stretchy" rubber band exercises. Have pizza "once in a while" to avoid the stress-related cortisol of pizza deprivation. Continue to follow TB12 diet for snacks, lunch, and dinner. Watch Tom vs. Downtime while brainstorming ideas for next season's Tom vs. Grandfather Clocks, a docuseries where Tom travels the country fixing up old grandfather clocks found at antique shops. Drink 15 glasses of water a day. Do cognitive de-stress exercises before going to sleep in colder, darker room. Go night-night by 8:45. Cryogenically freeze stem cells harvested from offspring.

Ages 45-48. Continue to tweak the TB12 Method. Wake up each morning at 6 AM to pseudoscientifically proven "Best Songs To Wake Up To", including Coldplay's "Viva La Vida," St. Lucia's "Elevate," Bill Withers "Lovely Day" and Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." Slurp twenty-six ounces of water from cucumbers soaked in TB12 electrolyte solution. Breakfast is a smoothie of chalk and blueberries. After the patented TB12 "Gumby" workout, eat a banana, including the peel. Watch Tom vs. Grandfather Clocks while brainstorming ideas for Tom vs. B.C. Time, a series of fitness videos filmed at locations significant on the B.C. timeline including Machu Picchu, Stonehenge, the Great Wall of China, and the Parthenon. Start a social media campaign to raise awareness of nightshade vegetables being used to manufacture lampshades for children. Drink 18 glasses of water per day. Go to sleep by 8:30 in dark, walk-in freezer.

Spend off seasons in private flotation chamber doing R.E.S.T. therapy (Really Easy Sleepy Time).

Extend the Patriots shotgun formation to a long barrel shotgun formation. Start wearing a helmet on top of helmet. Unveil the latest brainchild of Josh Daniels and Bill Belichick: a "Wild Tom" offense with only running plays.

Age 49. Hire six Tibetan monks to chant each morning for a 6AM wake-up. Absorb twenty-six ounces of electrolyte infused water through TB12 osmosis tank. Breakfast is a smoothie composed of antacids and toothpaste. After 8AM TB12 "Mushy Muscle" workout, suck on alkaline batteries. Eat sensibly for lunch, dinners, and snacks. Get photographed eating chocolate and fast foods so people see the "human side" of TB. After photographs, spit out food and replenish saliva immediately. Watch Tom vs. B.C. Time while brainstorming ideas for Tom vs. Geologic Time, a docuseries where Tom does high-velocity, force dispersing exercises using fossils of geologic eras from the Cenozoic all the way through the Paleoproterozoic.

Surprise opponents by changing the main formation of the Wild Tom offense with a sawed-off shotgun formation, followed by an oozie formation in Super Bowl LXI. Lobby congress to create a new Patriot act that does not apply to Patriot players so that massage parlors can forego surveillance. Visit a massage parlor after every game.

Age 50. Auction off the opportunity to wake Tom up at 6AM with a single snap of the fingers, followed by sitting down and drinking twenty-eight ounces of TB12 electrolyte infused water and sharing with TB the ways his career has been inspirational. Breakfast is a smoothie composed of plaster and lithium varnish. Follow 8AM TB12 "Supple Baby Bottom" workout with a protein shake containing potassium hydroxide extracted from printing ink. Lunch is fish stuffed with raisins. Dinner is raisins stuffed with fish. After practices and games visit an acupuncturist for needle treatment to reduce inflammation and infrared lamps for detoxification. Incorporate AK-47 formation into Wild Tom offense, which includes a second QB so that Brady only has to hand off to another QB that then hands off to a defensive tackle converted to tailback.

Age 51. Retire from the QB position. Spend five years floating in the new TB12 chamber in the International Space Station to avoid the effects of gravity. Subsist by licking ceramic glazes for lithium, taking TB12 alkalizing pills made from luminescent glazes and pyrotechnics, and drinking twenty glasses of water per day.

Age 57. Return to Earth to enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Surprise the audience by cutting your speech short with, "I got a game to play." Arrive at the Hall of Fame game and play one game for the Miami Dolphins, fax their playbook to the New York Jets, after doctoring it so that it appears misleading. Return to Patriots training camp after tweeting condescending "As if" photo of playing in a Dolphins uniform. Begin career as a holder for Stephen Gostkowski Jr.

Ages 58-78. In the offseason, undergo a surgical procedure to remove lungs and install gills and gill capillaries along the side of the neck. After surgery attach permanent TB12 Aquaman suit that doubles as a Patriots uniform and includes a water tank/flow system to continually pump water to TB gills with water enhanced with electrolytes. (The suit includes fin fingers for the perfect field goal hold.) Continue to follow the TB12 method. Wake up each morning to sunrise's gentle eyelid kiss. Pump thirty ounces of electrolyte infused water through TB12 Aquaman suit. For 8AM workout swim three miles in a spa pool that uses a paddle wheel to generate an opposing current. Instead of meals and snacks, gnaw on dyed furs sprinkled with gunpowder periodically throughout the day. Occasionally have avocado ice cream topped with nuts as a treat. Go to sleep in cold, dark fish tank by 8:00 PM.

Ages 78-91. Travel to South America to undergo transfusion of oxygen-efficient blood from llamas and vicunas from the Andean mountains. Apply osteographs from pig corticol bones to increase overall bone density and decrease the likelihood of injury. Undergo a bone transplant of rhino femurs. Continue to follow the TB12 method.

Beyond Age 91. Pending advances in pseudoscientific stem cell treatments, consider return to the QB position.

Article © Tim Miller. All rights reserved.
Published on 2020-01-27
Image(s) are public domain.
3 Reader Comments
Harvey Silverman
04:42:24 PM
Windy Lynn Harris
09:05:53 AM
This is the best thing I've read all week! Hahahaha!
11:47:53 AM
Manic and fun!
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