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March 25, 2024

What's Your Infant Return Policy?

By Victoria Lorrekovich-Miller

Receptionist: Alameda Birthing Center and Hospital Maternity Services; this is Emily. How can I help you today?

Me: Wow, that’s a mouthful. Do you have to say that every time you answer the phone?

Emily: Yes Ma’am, I do. How can I help you?

Me: It seems like you could just say, Maternity Ward? But that’s obviously not why I called.

Emily: No Ma’am, I suspected as much. So, what can I do for you?

Me: Uh well, my husband and I were wondering what your infant return policy was… like how many days or weeks do we have for a return? We’re not looking for any kind of refund.

Emily: Ma’am? I’m not sure I understand your question.

Me: The baby. How do we return it? My husband read through all the paperwork. We signed like a thousand forms, so we’re having a hard time locating the return policy —or maybe you guys call it the warranty.

Whatever the title, we can’t seem to find it and my husband thought it would be easier if we just called.

Emily: Ma’am, is your baby in danger?

Me: Is my baby in danger—Are you kidding me? My husband and I are the ones who are in danger! Do you know how long human beings can go without sleep? We’ve already begun hallucinating. We can’t do this!

Emily: We always recommend that the mother sleep when the baby sleeps.

Me: It doesn’t sleep for more than two hours at a time, but it can scream for eight hours straight!

Emily: Have you taken your baby to the pediatrician?

Me: Emily, my husband and I both have PhDs. You think that didn’t occur to us? Of course, we took it to the doctor. Not once, not twice, but eleven times in a three-week period. We are now looking for a new pediatrician because that quack doesn’t want to see us anymore.

Emily: What did he or she say about the excessive crying?

Me: He said it was colic.

Emily: That’s what I suspected.

Me: So, you know what colic is? Hours of crying for no apparent reason. You know what they do with a horse when it has colic? They shoot it.

Emily: Well, that’s a different kind of colic, and I’m not sure they do that anymore. And even if they do, you can’t shoot your baby.

Me: I know that, Emily. That’s why I’m returning it.

Emily: Ma’am, what’s your baby’s name?

Me: Archibald. Archibald Erskine Birkenhead—it’s a family name.

Emily: (pause, then muffled laughter) Wow, that’s a lot to live up to.

Me: Are you laughing at me? Listen once he’s back in your custody, you can call him whatever you want.

Emily: I’m sorry. That was inappropriate. Ma’am, you can’t surrender your baby. Obviously, you and your husband need a break. Do you have a friend or family member who can babysit Archibald?

Me: Yes, but they all seem to be planning out-of-town trips for indeterminate lengths of time starting immediately. Clearly, we shared too much with them.

Emily: You know colic usually gets better in three to four months.

Me: My husband and I will have either checked ourselves into the looney bin, or we’ll have acted out our murder-suicide pact. So, either way, not great for Archibald.

Emily: Have you thought about joining a mother’s support group?

Me: I haven’t showered in five days. My armpit stubble has grown into tumbleweeds. Our kitchen cupboards are bare, except for a single package of Top Ramen—never mind, my husband is eating the last of our provisions. And you think I have the wherewithal to—

Emily: Okay. You don’t have to cry. Ma’am? Ma’am, are you still there?

Me: Not really.

Emily: Have you tried swaddling him and putting him in a baby swing? White noise like a vacuum cleaner or hair dryer can help. And car rides are always a great option.

Me: I can see the mail carrier through my living room window. He’s got two heads, and giant orange flames are shooting out of his four ears, and you want me to operate a car. You won’t take him back, but you’ll put him in a car with a crazy woman who is trying to get rid of her baby and is actively hallucinating due to sleep deprivation?

Emily: Shh. Okay, listen. Ma’am? Ma’am? Hello?

Me: Did you know that my husband pulled out? Now we know that that’s not a safe practice, but given that we’re in our 40s, we thought we were probably safe from this scenario.

Emily: Yeah, um, I don’t really require that kind of information. I can give you a number for a couple’s counselor. Mr. Greenfelder comes highly recommended.

Me: Is he looking to adopt? Or open to fostering?

Emily: Uh no, Ma’am, but he could counsel you and your husband. You will need to find a caretaker for Archibald, though, because Mr. Greenfelder doesn’t allow children in his office during his therapy sessions.

Me: I truly have no response to what you’ve just said. But what I will say is this: ‘I sure hope this call is being monitored for quality assurance. Come tomorrow, there’s probably going to be an investigation.’

Click.








Article © Victoria Lorrekovich-Miller. All rights reserved.
Published on 2022-12-12
Image(s) are public domain.
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