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July 08, 2024

Notes From the Office 02

By Bernie Pilarski

Senator Larry Craig's recent actions in a Minneapolis airport bathroom have given me pause to revisit a suggestion that I have floated in the past -- a Criminal Stupidity law. From all appearances, it looks like Senator Craig was hoping to get lucky. I'm no legal expert, but I do not believe that's illegal. Nor would I want it to be, and I say this even though I would not condone the Senator's actions. The issue of homosexuality aside, Larry Craig is married, and shouldn't be playing footsie-wootsie with anybody. For the record, the Senator was charged with "disorderly conduct." Still, it would be a sad state of affairs (no pun intended) if we got to the point where flirting became a criminal offense.

That said, I have to ask if there is a public men's bathroom anywhere in the world that could put you in the mood for sex? The Senator was observed running his fingers along the bottom of the stall divider. What was he thinking? On the Top Ten list of things you never, never touch, men's room stall dividers are number six, and the bottoms of men's room stall dividers are number three. There are unspeakable amounts of germs and disgusting things on the bottom of those dividers. If you did manage to pick someone up who had touched the bottom of a men's room stall divider, you would want to quarantine him/her for at least a month to make sure they didn't have any really nasty cooties.

And that's where my Criminal Stupidity law would come into play. Whether it turns out that what Larry Craig did was illegal or not, there ought to be a way to find him criminally stupid! That would provide the basis to have him removed from office because, face it, nobody wants somebody that stupid to represent them in Washington.

My idea for a Criminal Stupidity law first surfaced while Bill Clinton was president. I still believe that Bill Clinton committed perjury. Apparently that alone did not fit the criteria for "high crimes and misdemeanors" that could have led to his removal from office, but certainly he was guilty of "felony stupidy" in his actions, and you have to wonder: could anyone that stupid really be trusted with the power of the presidency?

Or Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers. I don't know who did what for what reason in that hotel room that night. Maybe it was all completely innocent, or maybe Kobe's a pig. But pig or gentleman, any married man who invites a woman to his hotel room in the middle of the night is guilty of criminal stupidity. And if the man is a very rich, public figure with plenty to lose in a scandal, and he still invites a girl to his room in the middle of the night, the man is guilty of felony criminal stupidity.

And Lindsey Lohan? Well ...

There does not need to be a lot of legal ramifications from being convicted of criminal stupidity -- maybe just a $100 fine and the wearing a scarlet "S" on your chest for some period of time, or perhaps just having the initial of your middle name changed from "W" to "S."

What do you think? Shouldn't being stupid, really stupid, carry some sort of penalty? Do you know of anyone whose has engaged in alleged acts of stupidity?

Why are you all looking at me?

-- Bernie Pilarski
Staff Writer

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This week we present another story, "Pale Traveler", from Mel Trent's book, The Immortal Guns of Talon Constantine, which is available for purchase. Just click on the picture of the book to visit Mel's storefront.

Article © Bernie Pilarski. All rights reserved.
Published on 2007-10-01
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