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July 15, 2024

And On The Seventh Day, God Chuckled

By Jeffrey Carl Jefferis

A story in the future, as narrated in the more distant future, about the recent past.

Narrator: Raphael -- Earthly God of Storytelling & Fingernails.

Long before the Big Gang Bang of Epoch Nine, the destruction of the Mediocre Wall of Idaho in the Crustyasses Period, and even the Potato Au Gratin Famine during the Hundred Queers War, Earth history succumbed to the inexplicable Reign of Dude, a species referred to in jargon as Man. Cursed with limited intellect, and unlimited lust, the Reign of Dude terrorized the Earth with rudimentary yet self-glorified existential development for over six millennia, the relative equivalent of a sub-standard ant farm after four days.

Dude largely passed its global dominance basking under the false impression that evolution had smiled solely on its brain. And Dude's ignorance, in this regard, was justified, for its mental immaturity inherently failed to grasp the supremacy of another species, inasmuch as said other species possessed the mental maturity to maintain its said supremacy a secret. That supreme species -- Penguin.

Dude had reason to believe that its capacity for articulation, both written and oral, distinguished and elevated it above other earthlings initially. But that time ended 1,000 years before Dude realized it, in Dude year 1008. [Why did Dude use commas for numbers above one thousand, but not with years above a thousand? No Penguin knew.] In that year, with the metaphorical flip of a switch, the minor alteration of 0.000001 percent of its genetic make-up, the first Penguin was born with telepathic ability. Though 1,000 years prior to Dude's demise, this event would ultimately mark Dude's demise. In line with the theory of Dude Darwin, ironically, the Penguin telepathic adaptation held strong and soon, Penguin anthropologists theorize by Dude year 1145, all Penguin were communicating on a sublime and infinitely more sophisticated intellectual level than Dude.

Much like the cockroach, each Penguin thereafter awakened to life with telepathic capabilities and the collective knowledge of all Penguin which pre-dated him or her. By the time Dude Columbus stumbled upon the islands off the coast of the enormous and unmistakable land mass Dude later referred to as North America, Penguin had a clear understanding of the history and essence of Dude, and regarded Dude as Dude would regard a puppy. The all important difference being, however, that Penguin, operating on an inhumanly profound intellectual plain, allowed Dude its dominance and ignorant bliss in the interest of sparking life and promoting global harmony.

You see, dear reader, Dude was still so primal that reacting violently and creating conflict where none otherwise need exist remained its most basic instinct. Dude thrived on making challenges drastically more complex than reason dictated. Penguin was wise not to unleash Dude pain and suffering on its other 'puppy' brother and sister species.

That is until January 4, 2008, when Dude crossed the line, both literally and figuratively. At this point in the narrative, it must be noted that Penguin was not entirely altruistic, in that a secondary reason it had left Dude to its own self-destructive devices was that Penguin resided in an uninhabited and essentially unaffected part of the world by Dude, the Antarctic, in Dude jargon.

But, on the above-noted landmark day, a 120-mile long iceberg, the largest fragment of an even larger iceberg that broke off from the Ross Ice Shelf on the Scott coast five years previously, crashed into the Drygalski Ice Tongue growing out into the Red Sea from one of Antarctica's land-based glaciers. The collision was immense, so large it could have been seen from space [and was, in fact, by Venusian outposts, among trillions of other entities]. The impact caused huge piles of ice to crumble into the sea, and created an ice plateau so highly elevated that Penguin could not traverse it, thus making Penguin voyage to the sea for feeding more troublesome.

Now, this particular event did not severely threaten Penguin existence, but it was really friggin' annoying. Furthermore, it was merely a sign of things undoubtedly to come. At the time, Dude and Penguin alike were cognizant of a gradual environmental destruction, but clearly Penguin accepted truth more readily than Dude. In fact, Dude went so foolishly far as to refer to it as "the threat" of global warming, the equivalent of discussing "the threat" of flowers blooming in the spring, or "the threat" of the sun rising in the morning [as depicted in the vernacular of Dude, despite its understanding that the sun does not move in relation to Earth]. The Threat of Inevitability. What a novel and horrifyingly idiotic concept.

Penguin had such a pure comprehension of Nature that it knew the exact date its habitat would falter under the pressure of ultraviolet rays and flush into the ocean. Penguin understanding, in this respect, was so sophisticated that it far surpassed Dude's forecasts predicated on scientific data; it was, instead, as though Penguin could directly see that future. And so, the time had come.

For over two centuries prior to its first use, Penguin learned that it had the ability to influence and exert control over the mind, and thus the actions, of Dude, particularly insecure Dudes prone to manipulation and personal over-compensation. This was, indeed, a fortunate twist for Penguin, as it meant that the leaders of Dude, politicians and religious zealots, were the most susceptible to their telepathic suggestion.

Penguin first undertook one peaceful resolution, an attempt at persuasion via entertainment, employing Dude Al Gore to create a program titled, "An Inconvenient Truth." Despite its intense understanding of the nature of Dude, even Penguin was stunned by the lack of concerned reaction among Dude societies. The backlash to the program, a response in opposition to reason, spurred Penguin to forfeit all other ideas for harmonious compromise and conclude that the Reign of Dude was fini.

It was pitifully simple to engage Dude in worldwide intra-species warfare. All it required was a few subliminal suggestions regarding insults about the maternal heritage of various leaders, derogatory challenges about the size of their genitalia, and threats to their excessive material possessions and wealth. Within a year, on December 9, 2012, based on the advice of his wife, Dude Barack Obama lobbed the first chicken offspring, literally, striking dude Kim Jong-Il just below his left ocular cavity with an egg, thus initiating the Global War of Dude 2013. Six months subsequent thereto, ninety-five percent of Dude population had perished, and within several weeks thereafter, the remaining Dude died of unappeased sloth from a lack of access to alcohol, television, and/or suitable napping arrangements, an amazing credit to their weakness as a species. As was foretold by Penguin scholars, the extinction of Dude not only promoted Penguin interest by ending Dude's earthly destructive lifestyle but, moreover, the decomposing Dude corpses reinvigorated the environment, providing food and fertilization for plant-life and Earth's more well-adjusted creatures, beginning what became known as La Renaissance de l'Ozone. Penguin life was reassured and its home secured, as it should have been.

The Reign of Penguin ensued, and centuries passed as they do, without care. The Earth prospered. Every civilization has a rise and a fall, and so does every species, meaning even Penguin would ultimately face its demise, though nobly not by its own doing. But that's a story for day, another audience.

This revolutionary truth is gladly and necessarily heaped upon you by us:

-- We who understand the world and the facts.

-- We know the value of truth, which is why we are giving it away for free.

To learn more, contact your local Enlightener. We are everywhere.

Best Wishes and Futures,

The Spiritual Biologists

Article © Jeffrey Carl Jefferis. All rights reserved.
Published on 2010-04-12
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