I should imagine it will come out eventually. I suppose tonight is as good a night as any.
It's just that I have been so terribly lonely as of late, rattling around in this magnificent Victorian by myself. It kinda messes with your head sometimes, all the inherent creaks and crackles of a big ol' house like this. And before one might leap to an erroneous conclusion, I would like to make it quite clear that I'm not complaining -- truly, no, not in the big picture, anyway. I have been so outrageously fortunate to date -- the word grateful leaps to mind. Business has been exceptional, money is most certainly not the issue; thank the good Lord for -- what I would assume are -- rather evident favors. I am so very appreciative of the opportunity to acquire and collect countless beautiful possessions, things that are to die for, if you'll excuse the banality of such a stereotypical expression. Mother has, for years, maintained that I have always admired and enjoyed such classic baubles -- dating back so very many years to my youth -- and she was quite correct; Mother knows me as no others have -- so well. I have fashioned my home into my very own personal museum, if you will. And how I love it, I really do. But alone, by myself, which may often leave one with a sinking sense of despondency, detrimental solitude, more and more so as I approach, what should be, the prime of my life. I sometimes consider just how much capital has actually been invested in, what are essentially, costly trinkets. Some exceptionally rare and fabulous pieces I own -- yes I do. I make no apologies for any of that; I would do it all again in a second. But recently, I have been finding myself in compelling need of something more, something different, something interminably exciting, in my life.
Another warm and passionate human being might be nice.
And I would be so truly remiss if I failed to mention dear Martha -- my dear, dearest Martha -- she does such a lovely job of maintaining a sense of order in my home, keeping everything so neat and clean when she's here during the week. And I do so value such qualities, above most others, in fact. I honestly have no idea what I would do without her, being away so often as I am.
No misunderstanding, please; the travel is fabulous, even the necessary, often tedious, work-related junkets have their singularly charming moments. But I frequently feel like a stranger in my own home, particularly at times such as now, these dreadfully long weekends.
Mental note to self: stop watching so damn much late night cable. Ha!
But I do so tire of ... well ... hiding, basically. Not coming clean, so to speak. Certainly, I've had more than a few date-mates in my life ... although none all that recently, as I think back. Some very lovely young ladies, too -- all mistakes, of course, eventually.
Who knew? Who ever knows? Not I, indeed; such has been ruefully demonstrated more than a few times. A real kick in the nards, if I may speak so unrefinedly so late in the day.
Hey, ya know, you take your best shot.
Then ... the bombshell drops. And it hurts, too. It really does. No matter who's doing the actual kicking.
I have but a few genuine friends, I suspect -- many, many acquaintances, of course -- but I believe in earnest that there is not a soul in this world that really knows me. Which is undoubtedly my own undoing; I take full responsibility for such a circumstance. I continue to have a difficult time allowing anybody to get close to me; I simply do not let anybody in, I never have. I have always had the tendency to shelter my personal life, my home life, from the rest of society. Lock the door and throw away the key, as they say. It's all so very silly, really -- sad, even. I have no idea what I'm so afraid of. It's gotten to be so commonplace, this day and age. It's hard to even see it coming, society scarcely blinks anymore. Or cares, for that matter.
As God is my witness, this is all going to change tonight. It's gonna happen, somehow, some way. Heaven knows, I have waited long enough -- the coming-out party to end all coming-out parties.
Am I scared? Silly question, of course I'm scared. This is uncharted territory, all new to me, a first to end all firsts. Tonight, I'm just gonna head down to Le Chic, like I've done a thousand times. Except tonight ...
Ooh baby, listen to that. Could be a bad hair night.
Hell, I don't know, maybe everybody already knows. Huh ... that would be something. That would almost be a little disappointing -- not to mention a rather alarming surprise -- at this stage of the game. A bit of a letdown, in a strange and disquieting way.
Ha! Not a chance. Somebody is going to be in for the shock of their life tonight. It has to be. At least somebody gotta doesn't know.
That didn't come out quite the way I would have preferred.
Ah well, not to worry.
If this is actually going to happen yet tonight, I suppose I should start thinking about shaking a leg or two.
What to wear, what to wear ... so very many lovely pieces.
Ya know, one of these days, I have got to get in here and ... Geez, will you look at all this? I don't even know what all is in this damn closet anymo --