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July 15, 2024

The Procedure

By Ken Dubuque

After downing gallons of foul tasting liquid -- sort of a cross between slippery salt water and gelatinous Tang, as well as numerous laxatives, with the resulting twenty four hour shotgun marriage to the bathroom bowl, Robert was worn out. Yet he thought colonoscopies can be fun, as he lay on the gurney, waiting to be prepped for his latest checkup.

He recalled his last procedure to which he was accompanied by his wife, Ann, to ensure his safe return home from the affects of anesthesia. To reduce the anxiety of his first colonoscopy she had mentioned his Elmer Fudd impression.

"Remember when you mispronounced all those street names with an Elmer Fudd voice: Woosevelt Woad, Wincoln Woad, Wevowotionawy Woad and the like to entertain Emma."

He had laughed and said, "Yes, I giggled as much as she did. But remember it also got me in a bit of trouble when I embarrassed us all at that fancy lodge in Sedona?"

She had chuckled at the remembrance and said, "Saying that the pinion logs in the fireplace were vewy fwagwant would have been pretty funny, but the look on the hotel staffers' faces when you said it had us all on the floor laughing hysterically."

Just then a woman with a nurse's identification name tag had entered the curtain enclosed space and interrupted their reverie with a somewhat severe look and asked, "Have you met Dr. Rabbit before?"

"No," Robert had said, "why do you ask?"

"Because Dr. Rabbit talks like that cartoon character," she had replied.

"Gee," Ann had said, flushing, "we weren't speaking about him, it's just a game my husband played with our daughter."

"Well, please be careful because the doctor is quite sensitive about it," the nurse had said curtly.

"I'll be mindful," Robert had said, all the while thinking: a gastroenterologist who sounds like Elmer Fudd?

The nurse had then wheeled him into surgery. As she parked the gurney she had said, "Remember, no more impressions, ok?"

Robert had looked around at the sun-bright fluorescents and the various multi-tenacled invasive machinery and then closed his eyes and waited for the doctor to arrive. He had then heard the sound of muffled footfalls and opened his very tired eyes to see a man dressed neck to foot in turquoise hospital scrubs with a matching colored mask dangling from his neck.

The man had said, "Hewo, I'm Doctow Wabbit, a gastwo speciawist, and I will be pwefowming your cowonoscopy vewy vewy soon."

Robert's eyes had widened in horror as he fought back a major belly laugh. Dr. Rabbit not only spoke like Elmer Fudd, he looked like him as well.

The anesthesiologist who had arrived simultaneously with Dr. Rabbit and was now busily putting in the intravenous needle had said with a smile, "This anesthesia will take effect quickly and ..."

Dr. Rabbit had finished her sentence with, "Wobert, it will only take thwee fwashes of an eyewid and you'll be asweep."

Robert never found out if he completely lost it but there seemed to be no ill effects from that procedure.

So here he was again five years later chuckling at the remembrance. A nurse then came in and said, "Hello Robert, welcome back. Unfortunately Dr. Duck was called away to an emergency and is unavailable to perform your colonoscopy. But Dr. Rabbit, whom I believe you've met, will be handling your procedure today."

To which Robert could only reply, "Weally?"

Article © Ken Dubuque. All rights reserved.
Published on 2018-08-06
Image(s) are public domain.
1 Reader Comments
Larry Borger
04:46:16 PM
This was hilarious. As an old "Fuddy"- dud, I found this weally weally humorous, and could welate to it, too. LB
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