These are the stories making the news today:
Hilary and the Alien ... The space alien that had long been rumored to be having an affair with Hillary Clinton issued a statement through his lawyers saying that the baby he is carrying was not fathered by Donald Trump.
Musk-rat ... Elon Musk unveiled plans to include solar powered electric rats in his planned Martian colony. They will be used to fill the ecological niche of dump rat in the colony's sanitary landfill. The plan to use live earth rats was abandoned when development of miniaturized space suits proved too costly.
NFL ... The NFL owners will meet this week to vote on rule changes recommended by the Competition Committee. There is rumored to be widespread agreement among the owners to accept the committee's recommendation to have all pass plays subjected to a "booth review." Officials in the replay booth would spin a thirteen slot prize wheel to make the call. The prize wheel will have seven segments for defensive pass interference, three segments for offensive pass interference, and one segment each for completed pass, incomplete pass, and off-setting penalties.
Online Shopping ... In a move that could have a huge impact in the online retail industry, Amazon announced that it will begin using new predictive analytics software (code-named Gotch-ya) to predetermine customer needs in order to ship the product before it's actually ordered.
Hollywood ... Disney Studios announced plans to remake the 1969 Andy Warhol classic Sleep. Warhol's original was an epic five hour long shot of his lover sleeping. "We're fully committed to the project," a Disney exec said and added that a short list of those being considered for the role of the sleeper included Meryl Streep, Colin Kaepernick, and Vice President Mike Pence.
NASA ... Analysis of the latest full resolution global satellite imagery provided by NASA has confirmed that the entrance to Hell, long believed to be in northern West Virginia in fact lies less than a dozen feet across the border in western Pennsylvania only thirty miles from Pittsburgh. Rugged terrain and posted no trespassing land in Pennsylvania, however, make the entrance to Hell accessible only from West Virginia.
Risky Business ... Tom Cruise is scheduled to begin filming his latest project, a coming of age story in which Cruise (56) stars as Emilio, an Hispanic youth, the star of the junior varsity football team, who falls for an older woman, played by former Disney star Bella Thorne (21).
Weather ... Slightly warmer, but nothing to worry about. Fake news and all that. We're headed for a time like the world has never seen. Maybe not this week, maybe next week, but our weather will be the envy of the world.