Patron: I am doing research for a book and need to talk to a former Nazi from World War II who might be in a United States prison. Do you know how I would find someone like that?
Patron: I need a book called How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time.
Librarian: We don't seem to have that title in our catalog.
Patron: Maybe it's called How to Satisfy a Woman in Fifteen Minutes.
Librarian: We don't have that title either.
Patron: Well, I've heard of a book with a title like that.
Librarian: Let me check Amazon. Sometimes they have books not in our catalog.
Patron: I was just thinking that! We think alike! We must be kindred spirits or something. You know, on the same wavelength.
Librarian: Hmm. I don't think so.
Patron: Maybe it's called How to Meet and Have Sex with a Woman on the First Date?
Librarian: Nope. Where did you hear of this book?
Patron: Another guy told me. I guess I'll have to ask him what it's called.
Librarian: Okay, then, good luck with that!
Patron: Do you get paid for working here?
Librarian: Well... yeah.
Patron: Cause I need a job.
Patron: I'm looking for a book called Oranges and Peaches.
Librarian: I don't see it in the catalog. Do you know the author?
Patron: No, but according to my instructor, it's supposed to be a big book that everyone knows about.
Librarian: Everyone? What's it about?
Patron: I don't know. Animals or something. It's for anthropology class.
Librarian: Could it be Origin of Species?
Patron: That's it!
Patron: I hope you can help me. I'm looking for a company that installs artificial turf.
Librarian: Let's look in the phone book. Wow, there are a lot of artificial things in the yellow pages. (Jokingly) How about artificial limbs?
Patron: No (laughs).
Librarian: (still joking) How about artificial insemination?
Patron: No, I tried that once and it didn't work.
Patron: I'm looking for Mitchell-on-Demand.
Librarian: Sure, it's right there. Do you know how to use it?
Patron: Yes. I used to subscribe to it at home. It cost me a lot of money.
Librarian: Really? How much?
Patron: One hundred and fifty seven dollars a month.
Librarian: Wow. That's a lot.
Patron: It sure is. And I didn't even get a kiss or Vaseline with it.
Patron: I have a question.
Librarian: Okay, what is it?
Patron: It's kind of strange: Are Warren Buffet and Jimmy Buffet related?
Patron: Yes, but first I need to explain something. You see, I'm dating a very smart girl, but she insists that Warren Buffet is Jimmy Buffet's father.
Librarian: Oh, not just are they related, but is one the father of the other?
Patron: Right. Because if she's wrong, I'm going to have to rethink this whole thing.
Librarian: What whole thing?
Patron: Whether I want to date her or not. Because if she's wrong about this, she's not as smart as I thought she was.
Librarian: Let me put you on hold while I check. (Pause) Okay, sir? I consulted the Webster's Biographical Dictionary.
Warren Buffet was born in 1930 and Jimmy Buffet was born in 1946. So, technically, it would be possible for Warren to be a father at 16, but highly unlikely. Also, I did a search on the Internet using both their names and not one web site came up. I'm sure if they were related, someone would mention that fact on a web site.
Patron: So they're not related?
Librarian: Well, I can't find anything that says they aren't, but nothing says they are, either. So, I would say no, they aren't.
Patron: I knew it. Now I have to call this girl and break up with her. Thanks!
Patron: Can you tell me where the landscaping books are?
Librarian: Sure, let me get you a call number.
Patron: I see you've cut your hair.
Librarian: What? Oh, yes, my badge picture is a little old.
Patron: Want a more modern look, right?
Librarian: Excuse me?
Patron: You wanted to look more modern, more up-to-date? You look much younger with your hair short. Really looks good.
Librarian (in icy tones): Here's the call number. You'll find it on the second floor.
Patron: I'm looking for a video on marriage counseling.
Librarian: Like, how to do marriage counseling?
Patron: More like... well, I saw the "Men are From Mars" video and I want something like that.
Librarian: Let's see what I can find in the catalog.
Patron: Let me tell you something. I am a marriage counselor, and I don't think there's one single marriage that's happy.
Librarian: I'm happily married.
Patron: You are? I have a very sad story to tell you. You and I, people our age who are in our fifties, were taught certain things. The husband, he is good if he brings home money to feed his family. Right? So, I thought I was a good husband. I provided a nice home, food, clothes, everything my family needed, and then one day, my wife left me. She said she needed more than these things. She needed my attention. Now, I have never heard that she needed more and then she's gone?
Librarian: I'm sorry. Maybe she will come back. Maybe she just needs time to think.
Patron: We've been married 25 years. 25 years! And then she doesn't love me anymore? I am a good husband. I do not cheat; I do not even look for someone to cheat with. I do not drink. I do not smoke. I do not do other bad things, like& what else?
Patron: Never abusive! We never argue, never raise our voices at each other. Every discussion is civilized, like adults. I sent my brother to go talk to her, and do you know what he tells me? He comes back and says, "Brother, give up on her and find someone else." But how can I do that?
Librarian: Give her time. Maybe she needs to think about things and will realize that she wants to come back.
Patron: I counsel people who are married and people who want to get married and this is what I say: the first year you are in love, right? But that is all, what you say, chemical reaction. Endorphins. Then, the rest of the years it is the other things that support love that keep you together.
Librarian: What do you mean, other things that support love?
Patron: I mean it's the things that make love grow. It's loyalty and friendship. It's sharing experiences and talking and crying together. It's making a life with each other as the priority. Then real love can grow and develop. I tell my people that and they don't believe me, but it's true. And then my wife leaves me and I am lost. My brother tells me to find someone else and I don't want anyone else. I just want my wife back. I want things to be the way they used to be.
Librarian: Well, I found a video for you. Do you know how to find the call numbers?
Librarian: It's over here in this section. I will show you.
Patron: Thank you. You are very kind to listen.
Librarian: You're welcome. I hope things work out for you.
Patron: Hello? I need directions to your library.
Librarian: Okay. Where are you coming from?
Patron: Wichita Falls, Texas.
Librarian: You're in Texas and you want directions to our library in Mesa, Arizona?
Patron: Yeah. I'm lost and I live right by the library.
Patron: I have two questions.
Librarian: Okay. What are they?
Patron: First of all, I'm looking for a repair manual for an 85 Buick.
Librarian: I'll check the catalog. And your second question?
Patron: Will you go out with me tonight?
Librarian: Uh, no. I'm busy.
Second Librarian: And her husband wouldn't like it.
Librarian: Oh, yeah, and I'm married, too.
First Librarian: Hi, what can I do for you?
Patron: I need a book with world stamps.
First Librarian: Sure, just a minute. (pause) Here's the...
Second Librarian (on phone with patron): I'm not finding what you need. Here is what I see: Too Much Booty, Shake a Booty, Big Booty Girls...
(First Librarian and Patron stop talking and look at each other in surprise.)
Second Librarian:...Booty Jam, Booty Quake, Da Booty...
(First Librarian and Patron start to snicker.)
Second Librarian: ...If You Get a Lot of Booty, Buck 'Em Down, and Invasion of the Booty. That's all I see. There's no Booty Bounce listed. (pause) Okay, good-bye.
(Second Librarian hangs up the phone. She looks at Patron and First Librarian and they all burst into laughter.)
Patron: Wow, I don't think I've ever heard a librarian say the word "booty" so many times in my whole life.
The Piker Press moderates all comments.
Click here for the commenting policy.