1266 Rebuff Road, Suite 455
New York, NY 10003
February 12, 2019
Dear Author, I herein inform you we cannot publish your recent submission, "The Golden Shower Hour." However, your manuscript has had a 9.0 magnitude earthquake impact on our office.
Your unique proffering had a skunk-like odor even after the Postal Service had sealed it in several plastic bags in futile hopes of containing its malodorous emissions.
Our masthead and motto state, "We read all submissions." Being true to ourselves, we donned gas masks, thick rubber gloves, and protective garments. In the alley behind our office, we removed your document from its plastic wrappings. We were immediately and forcibly repulsed by the hair-curling redolence (even with a gas mask on), stains, gross gelatin matter, dead insects, mold, urine spots, and what appear to be fecal smears.
Even in the face of this array of disgusting phenomena, we turned pages to discover pubic hair, bits of bloody cloth, scraps of used toilet paper, rodent droppings, and a used condom. At this point, we burned your repellant pages and were amazed and a bit apprehensive at the black and blue flames leaping from your tome.
Because of this disturbing encounter, we no longer accept paper submissions. Henceforth, we only accept electronic submissions.
We have revised our masthead and motto to read, "We reserve the right not to read submissions that do not meet our standards of decency."
We have also obtained and attached a restraining order prohibiting you from contacting us in any manner, including, but not limited to, electronically, by phone or radio, by postal mail, or in person.
With great revulsion,
Editor, Hi-Tone Press
Paid ad in the New York Post
Limp Dick, Edmond Driskell
Mismanaging Editor of
The clueless Tone-Deaf Press
Hemmingway F, Steinbeck
Author of The Golden Shower Hour (Soon to be published by HFS Publications) And Urine Drops in My Eye: A GS handbook (published by HFS Publications)
February 16, 2019
Fuckface Driskell, you will soon hear from my lawyers concerning your willful destruction of my utterly irreplaceable work of art.
You are a dying deep state elite attempting to hold back the advancing tide of raw new artists that will sweep you and your kind off of the earth.
I'm not just some aspiring hayseed writer you can kick around with impunity. I hold a prominent position in the federal government, and yours is a business that needs federal oversight because of your left-wing bias in publication. Watch out -- the G-men are coming your way.
Hemmingway F, Steinbeck,
Chief Presidential Speech/Tweet Writer.
Editor-in-Chief of HFS Publications
La Con, Cartoner, and Mascotti
Attorneys at Law, LCC
3232 Litigation Lane, Suite 200
New York, NY 10002
March 1, 2019
Dear Mr. Steinbeck,
La Con, Cartoner, and Mascotti have been retained by Hi-Tone Press to represent them in your claims against them. Per your request, we are contacting you directly and will CC a copy of this letter to your attorney of record.
As my client indicated earlier, they will provide a reasonable settlement for the inadvertent destruction of your manuscript. Again, my client apologizes for their inexcusable negligence in the destruction of your property.
Hi-Tone Press still believes The Golden Shower Hour is not suitable for their publishing house. However, as you know, Hi-Tone Press would be interested in publishing your experiences as the Chief Speech/Twitter Writer for the forty-fifth president. I have attached an Outline of Expectations from our client.
You and my client have agreed in principle as to advances. Mr. Driskell would like to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss the Outline. We look forward to your timely response to this matter.
Kellyanne La Con,
La Con, Cartoner, and Mascotti, LLC
Cc: Michelle Cohen, Attorney at Law
New York Times, April 15, 2019
Menues S. Allick
A week before its release, Confessions of An Orange Rogue Tweeter (Confessions), (published by Hi-Tone Press, $29.95) has reached number one on the New York Times Nonfiction Books List. Books will present chapters of Confessions over the next seven days. In the interest of transparency, readers should know that Hi-Tone Press is a wholly-owned subsidiary of American Media Company, owner of the New York Times.
Confessions offers remarkable insights into the mindless, egocentric, and cruel mind of President ...