Yes, I do know several bikers from around the country. I highly doubt that your college roommate's second cousin who once kissed someone's older brother who saw a dog crossing the street who once knew this guy that once walked into a bike store is someone that I know.
Yes my bike is loud. It has to be so that you can hear me over your Dolby surround sound. This is in hopes that you will be able to keep your cage running straight while speaking on your cell phone, speaking to your toddler about the Wiggles, looking at your on board GPS system, and doing your hair. All while not running me over.
Yes, I know who the happy biker is. He is the one with bugs in his teeth. It was only funny the first one hundred times I heard this.
While I understand the deep seated need to expel fleem from your body while doing 65 on the highway, does it really need to be as soon as I get into "range" of you?
I do shower. When you see it starting to rain, please get out of my way. Raindrops on the skin at 55 MPH does not feel good and tends to put me in a foul mood.
Yes, I actually do own several helmets. I reserve the right to not wear it. I reserve the right to not have my experience impaired any further. Please also realize that the helmet causes great strain on my neck, creates a blind spot, and impairs my hearing. All of these tools I need to ensure that you are not going to run me over.
The trek of pavement I am riding on is MINE, and I will defend it with as much vigor as Bowie did at the Alamo. Coming into the lane right beside me will result in extreme actions, none of which I can be held accountable for. Expect to see rude gestures and even potentially, a sized 10 motorcycle boot in your door.
I do use my turn signal. I just wished you could learn to turn yours off.
Yes, you can sit on my bike. If I can (self edited here, I think you will get the point).
By all means yes, you can take my bike for a spin. And your wife's name was? If I can (self edited here, I think you will again get the point).
When at a biker rally, keep your children under control or I will use your child as a chew toy for my dog if I find them "playing on my bike".
That piece of debris that you think would be cool to run over? Yes, that 2x4 you hit with your nice 4x4 truck will do severe harm to me if it were to hit me. Understand now why I get a wee bit testy when you do that?
Yes it is possible for me to come to a complete stop at a stop sign, and never put my feet down. It is called balance, and riding for more than a couple of months. I just wish you could learn to come to a complete stop on four wheels.
I won't tail gate you, if you will kindly remove your front bumper from my tail pipe.
Yes, there are in fact more than one American made motorcycle. Not everything is a Harley. Think of it this way. Harleys are Cadillacs. While very nice, do you REALLY need the name and price?
I do not discriminate on the type of bike others ride. If you throw your leg over a bike, I salute you for wanting to have the wind in your face.
Yes, there are idiot bike riders. I can think of a few idiot car drivers as well.
The "Do-Rag" I wear, I have been using long before "Neon Deon" made them popular in the 90s.
I wear my hair long, and grow a beard because I like to. The beard I also use to keep bugs and dirt from pelting me. It isn't a fashion or political statement.
That rock hauling truck you see about a 1/2 mile ahead of us? Yeah, the sand and dirt that your SUV windshield is protecting you from is actually blasting me, and it hurts. Please let me get around them.
Not everyone who rides a motorcycle is a member of the Hell's Angels. Most are actually gainfully employed and do more charity work than most "upstanding citizens do" We just don't have photo ops when we do our thing.
No, we are not the next coming of the KKK or any other extremist organization. We think that everyone should have a choice. Isn't that what this country was founded on? Most are silent heroes of wars and campaigns gone by. We have fought for your right to have your voice. Yes it angers and saddens us to see you using that right to burn the flag we have given so much to defend.
We all have choices to make. You have made yours, and we respect you for it. Please be respectful of ours.
Not every female that actually owns and rides their own bike is a lesbian. It would be much akin to me saying that everyone in San Francisco is gay.
No, I do not find it funny when you get right up beside me and honk, or right behind me and screech your tires in a stopping fashion. Repeated executions of these "fun things" will result in me pulling you from said vehicle AND *THROTTLING* you.
No, I do not have a death wish. I am merely at a point in my life where I do not fear death. I choose to enjoy my life, I truly hope that you find something that brings you as much enjoyment.
Next month: The differences between Crotch Rockets, Cafe Bikes, Metric Cruisers and more! Catch "Ask Biker Ed" the second week of every month here at the Piker Press.
Ever have a question about motorcycles or their riders, but were afraid to ask lest the scary looking guy with the beard and the do-rag pound you into a greasy spot on the pavement? Here's your chance to ask email@example.com.
This article first appeared 2004-09-04