The moment I realized that I’ve had enough of this crumbling planet, I contacted the mother ship, requested an urgent evac and started to pack my bags.
I began to read up on what earthly items I’d have to leave behind, such as digital media, weapons, frozen food. Some of this made sense, and I began to enjoy the thought of going back home.
Less than an hour later the denial from the Orwellian Council popped into my email client like a brick through a glass window.
They’re still “unsettled” about that little incident a while back… even though it wasn’t that big a deal… I just said that “Mr. Arkadin is shitty,” and referred to it as “Welles lite… not even close to a popped pimple on CKane’s ample pooper…” I’m paraphrasing, of course. I should add that I’d been relaxing with “friends” at the time, and all of them testified against me. Some of them even stretched the truth to make their point.
At the prelims I explained how earlier that evening someone had added Vanilla flavored Almond Milk to my Dark French Roast, drastically reducing the acid content and causing a temporary brain flux… something akin to alcoholic drunkenness; the lowering of inhibitions, the desire to speak the truth… otherwise I never would have spoken so judgmentally about… the ORSON… really. You have to believe this. I explained that I was simply making a joke.
“Did anyone laugh?” asked the nasty Orwellino prosecutor, knowing that nobody did.
“I’m very misunderstood as a comedian,” I said.
I added that the ample pooper remark was just a friendly attempt, though admittedly ill-conceived, to honor the master, and to show, in a crude allegory, how one film should never be compared to the other… and how impossible it seems that the genius who rose so high to make the one could fall so low as to make the other. That’s all.
I hear from exiled members of the Orwellian resistance hiding out in San Francisco’s Richmond District that it was the word “lite” which activated the iLawyer-apps imbued into the security systems… I SHOULD HAVE, they said, obtained the proper license for the word, the copyright of which legally belongs to the BEER industry, now suing everyone they can for improper usage. Just like APPLE appropriated the word “cool” a few years ago. I SHOULD HAVE used the long-form variation, or “light,” which is still free while Congress settles the “bulb” industry donation scandal.
My lawyer articulates that I used the long form all along… that they won’t be able to tell the difference, since official government security tapes are so fuzzy, but I don’t know.
Tell me if you can hear the difference: “Lite bulb…” “Light beer…” Can you tell?
Yeah… Orwellians tend to have Vulcan-Plus hearing, but I’m told I sound like Ricky Ricardo singing Babalύ after seven Cuba Libres. So, who knows?
My lawyer says I should expect the worst. And deep down he’s not a bad guy who makes a valid point. You don’t just “insult” the ORSON (even unintentionally) and walk away. Not on this planet, as the Orwellians are extremely protective of their deity… and, like early-21st century humans, they love having a common enemy to unite against (much more so than uniting for a good cause, which is considered liberal and blasé).
And, like humans throughout history, they revel in punishing the guilty, so their laws are as strict as their capacity for understanding is puny.
It is said, and I don’t know if it’s true, that every week during worship they pass around a glass jar into which the ORSON once farted, each one carefully removing the lid to take a whiff, which they claim smells rosy and induces euphoria.
I don’t want these guys angry with me. But in the end, I just can’t help how I feel; “Mr. Arkadin” sucks! It doesn’t mean I don’t love THE ORSON.
I suppose I’m doomed to hanging around this planet until after the Hearing, even though I’ve grown bored of watching how the super-rich increasingly abuse and hurt the super-poor. Like Elon Musk slashing aid programs the for poor.
And the way things tend to drag out nowadays, I’ll probably have to sit through another Academy Awards show. I’m still not sure why they bother to celebrate their shitty movies. It’s like picking out the best turd on the floor of a monkey cage.
Hopefully I’ll be able to return home for the big Kane Festival and the premiere of the Hi-def holographic edition of Citizen Kane.
Now that’s a movie.
