Articles by Dan H. Woods

Opinion

• Australian Holidaze (March 9, 2009) humor

  Columnist Dan H. Woods jealously compares March holidays in Australia with the paucity of drinkable holidays in America.

• St. Patrick's Day: Now 100% Snake Free! (March 16, 2009) humor column essay "St. Patrick's Day"

  What do mutated clams, Mrs. O'Leary's cow, druidism, and leprechauns have in common? They are all woven into Dan H. Woods's latest column about St. Patrick's Day.

• Australia: Now With Twice the Neurotoxin! (April 6, 2009) humor column essay "Australia" snakes spiders

  Keep the money, Dan H. Woods says send lawyers, guns, and anti-venom in yet another column about the land down under.

• Euro-Phone Envy (April 13, 2009) essay humor clocks phones

  Hey, who wouldn't want a clock that was always right, that you never have to wind, and with which you can make obscene calls?

• Research Grant Scamps (April 20, 2009) essay humor snakes scientists research

  Today Dan answers your questions about scientists.

• Kiwi Madness (April 27, 2009) humor column essay "Kiwi Madness" New Zealand

  Dan finds that New Zealanders are jealous of his fascination with Australia ... and proceeds to rectify the balance. Or is that "wreck-tify?"

• French Dining (May 4, 2009) humor column essay "French Dining"

  Dan is currently living in France with his family and occasionally writes about his experiences there.

• A Guy's Guide To Mother's Day (May 11, 2009) humor column essay "A Guy's Guide To Mother's Day"

  Now we know why Dan H. Woods is sleeping on the porch in a chaise lounge.

• Spilling the Beans (May 18, 2009) humor column essay "Spilling the Beans"

  Dan H. Woods travels to Switzerland for an important news conference ...

• Advertise This! (May 25, 2009) humor column essay "Advertise This!"

  Learning a little French might be a good idea when reading advertisements in Paris -- otherwise you could end up with glace au poisson as your dessert.

• French Appliances -- Oo La La! (June 8, 2009) humor "French Appliances -- Oo La La!"

  Dan lives in France, and even the household appliances speak French to him.

• A Guy's Guide to Father's Day (June 15, 2009) humor "A Guy's Guide to Father's Day"

  Compared to Mother's Day preparations, Father's Day is an absolute breeze ...

• What's For Lunch? (June 22, 2009) humor column essay "What's For Lunch?"

  Fine dining in France ranges from the sublime to the ... what on earth is that, anyway?

• Masterpieces (June 29, 2009) humor column essay "Masterpieces"

  Now a brown velvet background with lots and lots of angels singing along with the King ... that could be priceless!

• A Straight Flush (July 13, 2009) humor column essay "A Straight Flush" toilets

  If there's one thing a humor columnist knows about -- yes, you guessed it -- it's toilet jokes.

• A Guy's Guide To Arranging Furniture (July 20, 2009) humor column essay "A Guy's Guide To Arranging Fur

  Will he change after he's married? Followers of Feng Shui certainly hope so ...

• Benefactors R Us (May 31, 2010) essay humor spam

  It always pays to check your email -- something surprising may be in store for you!

• Won't Get Fooled Again (February 25, 2013) essay weight loss humor

  Who are you going to believe? That ugly thing on the floor?

• Confessions of an Amateur Woodworker (August 10, 2015) humor column essay "Confessions of an Amateur Wood

  When it comes to carpentry, there's nothing Dan doesn't know about turning something into a repair project.

Essay

• A Short History of April Fools' Day (March 30, 2009) cover story humor column essay "April Fools' Day"

  Dan H. Woods currently is in hiding in France, wearing a fake moustache and pretending his hobbies include woodworking and running marathons. At one time, Dan was also a Certified Beer Judge from the American Homebrewers Association. (It's good work if you can find it.)

• A Guys' Guide to Perfume Shopping (May 6, 2013) essay humor perfume

  A Mother's Day gift for your sweetie? Here's some timely advice...

• Off the Truck (June 3, 2013) essay humor

  But what if it was a big load of Elvis blankets? Or designer shoes?

• Eau de Canada (March 20, 2017) essay humor column moose

  Dan takes aim at our northern neighbor, Canada, and misses as usual.

Comics

• Peek of the Week 194 (May 11, 2009) photo art

  This green cat graces the floor of a chateau in France.

Nonfiction

• Vacation in France: Grotte de Clamouse (May 18, 2009) travel "Grotte de Clamouse"

  Dan H. Woods takes us on a travel tour from his vacation in France.