2004 the way it might just as well have happened
2004 is gone! And while everyone else is looking back over what
happened, I thought it would be refreshing to look at some of the
things that didn't.
Top Quotes That Were Never Said (But Easily Could Have Been)
"The 86th time's the charm." -- Boston Red Sox, who won their first
World Series title since 1918.
"You know, this is kind of a catchy little story. Can anyone else
envision this as a screenplay?" -- Mel Gibson, director of The Passion
"Remember the... wait, what movie are we pitching again?" --
marketing team for Disney's bomb, The Alamo
"No, seriously, I'm, like, totally sober this time." -- Britney
Spears, during the vows to her second wedding, this time to Kevin
"What I love most about Ashton is that he's so mature." -- Demi
Moore, about boyfriend Kutcher, who reportedly spent time refusing to
speak to That 70's Show co-star, Wilmer Valderrama, because
Valderrama's girlfriend, Lindsey Lohan, told Demi Moore she didn't
want to wear a Kabbalah string bracelet. Irony one: It looked
suspiciously like the friendship bracelets junior high students trade
back and forth. Irony Two: Kutcher was actually quoted telling
Valderrama that Wilmer needed to "just grow up".
"Gwen, Jen... having a name that rhymes with mine is what makes a
woman really hot." -- Ben Affleck, who has dated Gwennyth Paltrow,
Jennifer Lopez and now Jennifer Garner. Who's next in 2005? Maybe
champion Jeopardy contestant Ken Jennings. Mmm, Ben, you have to admit
he has an attractive name.
"You'll give me two packs of cigarettes to *what*?" -- Martha
Stewart, who served jail time this year.
Everyone else is also coming up with really great New Year's
Resolutions, too. We should probably do that while we're at this whole
"annual transition" thing.
Top New Year's Resolutions By People Who Didn't Really Make Them (But
Easily Could Have)
"I will keep all my clothes on at football games." -- Janet Jackson.
Also, several of the fat guys with the painted bellies. Also,
residents of Manteca, now that the city's new nudity laws are on the
"I will lose weight this year." -- Mary Kate Olsen.
"I will eat what I want this year." -- Kirstie Alley
"I will lose weight this year. Then eat what I want. Then lose
weight. Then eat what I want..." -- Oprah
"I will try new culinary adventures." -- Jessica Simpson, who was
filmed on her reality TV show being legitimately clueless as to
whether or not "chicken of the sea" was fish or fowl.
"I will let my talent speak for itself." -- Ashlee Simpson, who lost
her cool when a technical gaffe exposed her as lip synching her "live"
performance on Saturday Night Live.
"Doh!" -- Homer Simpson, who reminds me of the two above (at least
from the neck up).
"I will try to be more outgoing." -- Paris Hilton.
"I will learn to accept failure gracefully." -- The 49er's. Also,
"I will learn to take more gambles. I mean chances." -- Pete Rose.
Also, tribal casino supporters.
"I will take more supplements to improve my health." -- Jason Giambi
and Barry Bonds. Also, Rush Limbaugh.
"I will spend more time with my kids." -- Michael Jackson.
"I will be more creative with my finances." -- Kojo Annan, son of
U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, who allegedly profited from the
And finally, let us look toward the coming year.
Top Predictions for 2005 That Will Never Happen (And Probably Shouldn't)
Martha Stewart Lizzle. Along with a new television deal and an
increase in stock value, Martha Stewart will continue to capitalize on
the publicity surrounding her sentence by releasing a new gangsta rap
Out with Atkins, in with Major Tom: The two astronauts aboard the
space station who lost weight due to reducing their consumption of
dwindling food rations and replacing caloric intake with candy and
snack foods will start their own diet craze.
Cellulite 451: Ever in pursuit of the truth, film maker Michael
Moore will publish an earth shattering "documentary" about celebrities
who have had liposuction, and the bizarre lengths they'll go to in
order to lose weight.
The "O My" Reilly Factor: With Howard Stern off the air, Bill
O'Reilly will step in to talk dirty over the airwaves.
Comments, predictions and resolutions to Alex.Queen@gmail.com.
This article first appeared in the Manteca (Calif.) Bulletin.
Article © Alexandra Queen. All rights reserved.
Published on 2005-01-16
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