As some of you are aware, last year my hair had a near-death experience wherein excessive switching of dyed colors killed it. A stylist managed to bring it back to life in the salon chair, but my hair's brief time on the Other Side left it changed. My hair now channels the dead hair of living celebrities and can tell the future.
Occasionally, readers write in with questions for my hair. I will do my best to answer some of them here.
Q. I (for real) saw shoes described as having a "unique thong with a hidden toe gore to fit all toe shapes." Should I buy a pair? -- M.J. of Manteca.
A. Neither my hair nor I were aware that you could purchase sandals that go that far up.
While not suitable for fancy dress occasions, my hair says these sound like excellent shoes for people who anticipate getting their butt kicked on a regular basis. A good choice of footwear if you are going to play for the Raiders under new (again) coach Art Shell, a man who has experience in the one area the Raider coaches traditionally need it most: being fired by micro-managing team owner, Al Davis.
Q. Speaking of thongs, just where do the skidmarks go when you're wearing one? -- G.S. of Modesto.
A. Why do people (for real) ask me things like that?
My hair says that, lacking enough fabric to remain in the universe as we know it, the skidmarks extend into a fifth dimension outside of space and time, a shadowy dimension filled with unpaired socks, thrust there by the unique gyrations of washing machines. All that cotton acts as a wick, drawing the skidmarks to receptive surfaces.
Some physicists theorize that the universe contains, in fact, only one skidmark, and that all other skidmarks are simply manifestations of the same one, just at different points in time and space. Opponents of the theory suggest that if the One Skidmark theory were true, there would be more problems with hobbits snatching undergarments and tossing them in lava pits. It has been suggested by these people that at least 12 skidmarks exist, 9 of which were given to human lords, and that improper laundering can put you at risk of turning into a Skid Wraith.
My hair also informs me that I am never to borrow a pair of G.S.'s pants, under any circumstances.
Now, no more questions about thongs. I have a staunch belief that if one's rump is big enough that a ride-up cannot be solved by a simple pick, but requires a coordinated search and rescue effort and heavy machinery, then one is too big to wear a thong. I am therefore completely (and happily) out of the thong loop these days.
Q. First "Brokeback Mountain," now Willy Nelson's "Cowboys are Secretly, Frequently (Fond of Each Other)" -- does the gay cowboy phenomenon threaten the moral fabric of society? -- Anon. in Manteca
A. My hair is troubled by the moral implications of steroids in sports, Britney driving around with her baby not buckled in, and the (strictly hetero) sex video starring Scott Stapp and Kid Rock (not even that it exists as much as the video company thinks they can get people to PAY to see it -- ecccccch). My hair does not feel threatened by gay cowboys. It points out that if "YMCA" and Cuba Gooding Jr. in "Boat Trip" did not bring society to its knees, neither of these much more tasteful explorations of alternative living are going to.
However, my hair has confided to me a fear that Gay Cowboys will become a fad, much like cows or sunflowers, and that soon our mother-in-law's kitchen will be decorated with everything from Gay Cowboy dish towels to "kissing cowboy" cookie jars. We had nightmares about geese when those were the craze. We're not sure we can handle Martha Stewart "Gay Cowboy" decorating chic.
Q. Aren't you worried that the vice president shooting that lawyer on the hunting trip is a sign of violent tendencies and a disregard for human life? -- My dad
A. My hair says that was obviously an accident. If Cheney wanted someone out of the way, he'd have Condoleezza Rice find a terrorist cell in their back yard. That was undoubtedly nothing more than an affectionate display of male bonding, and a far less painful one than watching "Boat Trip" together.
Comments and questions for the psychic hair to Alex.Queen@gmail.com.
This article might have first appeared in the Manteca (Calif.) Bulletin.