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December 05, 2022

Oort Cloud Oddities: Spring Horoscopes 1

By Alexandra Queen

As some of you are aware, last year my hair had a near-death experience wherein excessive switching of dyed colors killed it. A stylist brought it back to life, but my hair's brief time on the Other Side gave it psychic powers.

Since the days of Stonehenge, important people with hair over-styled to death have celebrated rites of new beginning in spring. Usually, the first new moon after the vernal equinox was set apart for planting seeds, celebrating hand fastings and sacrificing people foolish enough to comment on their split ends. In honor of this tradition, my hair wanted to study the stars and come up with horoscopes for the upcoming season, but the past few weeks have been too rainy for stargazing. Plus the humidity made my hair frizzy. In light of the recent helpful weather, however, my hair would like to try again with some horoscopes.

Without further ado, Part One of the zodiac, brought to you courtesy of Alex's psychic hair:

Aries: You're enthusiastic, assertive, competitive, action-oriented and sometimes selfish. You drive an SUV, but you actually use it for off-road forays and hauling outdoor equipment. On the other hand, you also use it to drive two blocks to Starbucks, often while talking on your cell phone. This month: Explore alternative fuel options. Be the first in your neighborhood to be pulled around on errands in a rikshaw towed by a team of laid off Silicon Valley executives.

Taurus: You're sensual, affectionate, artistic, but stubborn and possessive. You loved your fans, but you quit playing concerts when Napster was letting them download your music for free. This month: Don't let a romantic evening go to waste because your partner took the good pillow. And the good blanket. And come on, it's not like that side of the bed has your name on it. Get over yourself, already.

Gemini. You're curious, talkative, mercurial, whimsical, smart but not always deep, charming but not always trustworthy. You're like a celebrity romance - one minute dazzling and perfect, the next minute bored and wandering, the third refusing to exchange social pleasantries with the check out lady because you have a hard time trusting anyone, you've been hurt before! This month: Fill that prescription, stay in and just relax. No, the weather's too nice, get out and go rock climbing instead! Who cares if you don't get back before the pharmacy closes, who needs Ritalin anyway? Oo, Scary Movie 4 is still in theatres, head downtown instead. No wait...

Cancer: You're sensitive, nurturing, and helpful. Occasionally moody and a bit of a homebody. You're the boyfriend who always remembers her birthday and sends flowers just because, but would rather stay home on the couch than go out with friends. In fact, you'd rather be tied up in the basement, doused with lighter fluid and used to roast S'mores over than go out. You're also the mom who makes the huge holiday dinners, then spends the rest of the year refusing to speak to half the family because they accidentally snubbed your mountain oyster stuffing. This month: Spend a few days engaging in political activism to make the world a better place, then fire your agents, hole up in Namibia and have a baby.

Leo: Passionate, bossy, center of attention, leader, creative. Your dirty little secret: You always wanted to be Captain Kirk. Yeah, you'd look good in that gold shirt, mowing down Klingons and saving the galaxy. Plus you can act better than Bill Shatner. This month: Time for a reality check. Everyone can act better than Bill Shatner. Spend some time doing something creative without playing to an audience.

Virgo: You like working, helping, doing things for or with others. You're practical, smart, healthy, sometimes fussy and down-right snarky. You look good in a uniform, you like doing the job right, you love saving the day. You'll also starch your underwear if someone doesn't save you from yourself, and your doctor has recently warned you that you're going to need a prosthetic sphincter if you don't unclench now and again. This month: Think about your loved ones. Who's going to take care of them if you go in for butt surgery?

Next week, using expensive salon products that negate the need for blood sacrifices, reading entrails or other messy practices that leave your hair looking dull and lifeless, my hair looks deep into the stars to read the fortunes of Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces.

Article © Alexandra Queen. All rights reserved.
Published on 2006-06-12
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