Time now for another exciting round of "Ask an Expert," where I call upon years of half-paying-attention in school and watching "documentaries" like Fox's Alien Autopsy to answer questions that were never directed towards me in the first place.
Who put the "bop" in the bop-sh-bop-sh-bop?
Everyone knows about Cupid, son of the ancient Roman goddess of love, Venus. However, Romans did not care to speak about Venus' other children, a set of awkward triplets by the names of Bomp, Ram and Dip. In addition to having astigmatism, severe underbites, and acne problems, these three demigods were notoriously inefficient at making couples fall in love.
At the age of ten months, still diaper clad and drooling, Cupid was already single-handedly meeting the same romance quota that his elder brothers were accomplishing as a three-man team. To the relief of Romans everywhere, Venus turned the love business over to Cupid. Cupid went on to sign contracts with modeling companies, greeting card manufacturers and market a successful line of togas. Ram, Dip and Bomp moved on to careers in goat herding, snack making, and Cal-Trans, respectively.
While the Romans did their best to forget the triplets, the Greeks gleefully (and sarcastically) recorded the trio's ineptitude. Some of the most memorable verses were fragments of the great poet Sappho's writings, including this verse that was translated by Barry Mann and Gerry Goffin, who set it to music and turned it into a popular 1961 song:
Who put the bomp
In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp
Who put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong
Who put the bop
In the bop shoo bop shoo bop
Who put the dip
In the dip da dip da dip
Who was that man
I'd like to shake his hand
He made my baby
Fall in love with me (yeah)
Are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes having a baby?
Well, it's possible that Katie Holmes is actually swelling with the weight of bad thoughts from when Xenu solved galactic overpopulation by bringing people to earth and implanting "H Bombs" in volcanoes 75 million years ago, a Scientologist tenet that your brain, they say, isn't ready to handle until after you've spent $3-500,000 buying your way up through the levels of their organization. (I got my info free from Operation Clambake, which is probably why it seems a little ludicrous to me. I'm sure if I had paid full price it would make more sense.) After all, according to Scientology (or at least Scientologist Jenna Elfman, in an interview with the New Zealand Herald) those bad thoughts can actually be measured and weighed in pounds. However, it's more likely that Katie is indeed pregnant.
Wasn't Katie Holmes once vocal about "waiting until marriage"? Apparently so. Her decision to wait, and then her decision not to, aren't particularly odd. Even the fact that she chose not to wait with Tom Cruise (ecch) isn't that odd -- he might be a wacko, but he's a rich, celebrity wacko.
No, what's extremely odd about Katie Holmes' decision making process is the following quote about it from Australian "sexologist," Dr. Gabrielle Morrisey, as seen in the Sydney Morning Herald: "[Waiting for marriage is] quite common in some parts of America, especially among Catholic families and Republicans."
What??? I'm Catholic. I get that part. In fact, with divorce rates, sexually transmitted diseases and child custody hassles being what they are these days, I plan on advising my own daughter to wait to have sex until her second marriage. But what does political affiliation have to do with teens deciding to save their virginity? "Billy, before you make plans for a 'special' prom night, I just think you should know... I plan on voting Republican in 2008." Am I that out of touch with kids these days, or do they really sit around and say, "I bet Jane is a 'hot' date -- look at that pro-Union sticker on her social studies binder!" or "Sure, you can try asking Sally out, but you won't get past first base. She's been lobbying for personal retirement accounts in the school lunch program reform."
Yep. Kids of other Christian, Islamic and South Asian traditions aren't known for being pressured by their families to remain chaste until marriage. But those girls in Republican households -- wow, do they grow up oppressed. Oops. I meant repressed.
Morrisey apparently went to the same "school for experts" I did. Sheesh.
Comments and questions for the expert to Alex.Queen@gmail.com.
This article first appeared in an October 2005 issue of the Manteca (Calif.) Bulletin.