Opinion
Opinion pieces published in Piker Press, a weekly journal of arts and literature.
1,093 articles — page 30 of 37
Just in time for Valentine's Day, a team from Brown University has discovered that the human eye is gross. But it takes a married couple to make science downright nauseating.
<b>The Sad Demise of Larry the Pig.</b> For a biting varmint, Larry the Guinea Pig had quite a bit of personality. When he passed, the holes he left in his family's hearts were larger even than the ones he had left in their fingers.
What would you do to be able to eat all the fresh, delicious donuts you want, in beautiful surroundings? Would you give blood? A <em>lot</em> of blood?
At any time, wherever you go, you'll see someone with a cell phone clamped to their heads like it was glued there. That may not be troublesome if they're shopping at Wal-mart or walking in the mall, but what about if they're driving a 3000-pound SUV at 50 miles an hour through town during rush hour? Basil's got the answer. Boom, baby.
Bernie and Sand take off for the movies again, this time to see the controversial quasi-religious superhero flick <i>Constantine</i>.
Some of my earliest memories are of walking along the beaches of California with my grandfather. The briny smell of the ocean mixed with the heavy scent of driftwood burning in the distance while walking along the beach with my grandfather make up a piece of my childhood's memory landscape. We would visit and he would take us kids down to the pier in Seal Beach on his daily walks and talk to the men dropping their lines off the jetty. As a card carrying Irishman he had the tales to tell. He would chat the fishermen out of their catch. Smoking his cigar and gesturing he slowly he began, "Hey, boy, you think your wife wants to cook that little bit of fish?"
<b>Down With New Years Resolutions!</b> Two months into the new year, how are you doing on your resolutions? For the first time, Basil is doing great.
Long for the simpler, less expensive toys of yesteryear? Be careful what you wish for. As a simple, pink helium balloon demonstrates, imagination can be an annoying thing.
Over the course of my working life, I've started and left a number of jobs. Usually I leave with some regrets, mostly regrets about leaving my co-workers. I've left happily, sadly, angrily -- and once I left so drunk I could hardly stand. This is about that time.
<b>In Which I Discuss My Hughes-like Peculiarities.</b> I freely admit that I am a person riddled with peculiarities. My devotion to Don Knotts movies, my McDonald toy collection, my yo-yos, my book fetish -- it's enough to drive the average woman to distraction. My long-suffering wife has put up with a lot over the years, but there's one peculiarity of mine that puzzles and often angers her -- my refusal to use a public restroom.
Next year, they're going to plop the cast of Survivor down in a small town like Ripon and make them try to get books to and from the library with a toddler in tow. It ain't easy.
<b>In Which I Whistle for a Snoring Cure With Unexpected Results</b>. From a seductive cat-like purr to something that sounds like a train braking suddenly, snoring has many times been cited as a major cause of marital discord.
<b>Biscuit Evolution in My House</b>. Food is wasted on the young! Stern admonitions from the doctor cause the evolution of lovely food like biscuits into unrecognizable objects that resemble roofing shingles.
(In which an essay shows the path from feeble attempts at baking to descent into madness and love of an entire foodcraft form; including a recipe and some tips.) Making bread at home, making bread professionally, bread makers in Star Trek, bread makers in states of extreme sleep deprivation... it's all here. Everything your grandmother didn't dare to tell you about the art of baking bread. Along with a few helpful professional hints on breads, scones, muffins, sticky buns, and driving on the freeway while suffering hallucinations.
Yeast is no ingredient. It's <em>alive</em>. Sure, when you first get into baking, all you see are innocuous little packets of granules -- dry and gently slumbering "kitchen helpers". But once you delve into serious bread baking, you'll find the kitchen is a setting straight out of Lovecraft or Poe, and it's all because of yeast.
The tumultuous first year of the almost victorious, entirely fictitious San Diego Thunder.
The phrase "In Japan we have four seasons" is that it is mathematically inaccurate. At the very least, there are five distinct seasons - spring, summer, autumn, winter and the dreaded rainy season (<i>tsuyu</i>) which comes between spring and summer.
<b>Mary's Tiger</b>. A grown man in his forties should not be so attached to a stuffed toy, but Fluffy was special from the start.
While other people have presented 2004 the way it was, this is a look at 2004 the way it might as well have been, but wasn't. Includes resolutions that may as well have been made and predictions for 2005 that will never happen, but should.
What do you remember most from taking your children to the amusement park when they were young? Is it the animals, the rides, the vomit, the bad food -- or a child's innocent questions about those two "wrestling" turtles?
Between Kid Rock stinking up the TV and the dog's back end polluting the air, working from a home office is impossible. Unless you've got a little help from a supportive spouse.
Walking through the tree lot, stomping in the puddles littered with real pine needles in a drenching Southern California winter rain; these are the memories that define Christmas.
<b>In Which I Morph From Jolly Old Elf to Fat Nazi, Which Alters My Sleeping Arrangements.</b>
Forty-six years old isn't too old to head to the mall to have a talk with Santa. After all, Mama reeeeally needs a brand new Porsche Carrera. Or a puppy. Or a kitten. Or a grandkid...
Being stuck inside on a rainy day with toddlers and animals is enough to drive any adult mad. Or inspire them to write bad poetry about the Oakland Raiders. In the end, the cat says it best.
Back home, Jack-O-Lanterns are for decorating yards, and "eatin pumpkins" are for making into pies. But the rest of the world has no idea what variety of vegetable an "eatin pumpkin" might actually be. In fact, the rest of the world does a lot of things different than they did back home. And upon careful reflection, that might just be for the best.
Kellie demonstrates clever ways to waste time at work with the satirical Sable and Shuck. Meanwhile Audie presents a websurf sampler to tempt any palate: American Science and Surplus, RealBeer.com, BookBrowse.com and some blogs you probably shouldn't try living without.