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Articles by Alexandra Queen

[News] [Short] [Nonfiction] [Opinion] [Serial] [Poem] [Comics] [Essay] [Art]

News

Aliens Invade Lathrop! (April 15, 2002) news aliens
Lathrop Tower Mart has interesting inhabitants.
Lodi's Cherry Blossom Festival (April 15, 2002) News
Japanese art, culture on display in local festival.
Pest Control for Peanuts (May 6, 2002) News
Blue jays as inexpensive organic pest control
Future Supreme Interplanetary Ruler Born (June 10, 2002) News
Birth of Lillian
National Nude Recreation Week (July 13, 2002) News
News item
Student Demonstrations (April 7, 2003) News
A Pro-Troop Rally at Modesto Junior College gives students an opportunity to express their opinions.
Tiffany's Wish (November 22, 2003) News
Tiffany always wanted her mother to open her own craft store. Tammy Wagner had no idea that wish would save her own life and sanity when her daughter died. A true local news story.
Weston Walking Group (November 29, 2003) News
That's not a parade, that's the local herd of stroller mommies stompin' down the street.
Working Like A Dog: 2 by 2 Petcare (December 6, 2003) News
They say that if you take a hobby and figure out how to make money off it, you'll never have to work another day in your life. Meet Terry and Lori, two professional pet-sitters who have managed to do just that.
Duplexes built to benefit orphans (December 13, 2003) News
Nick Groen Realty has donated land in a posh $400,000+ neighborhood and others have donated materials and labor so that a humanitarian organization can raise money to benefit orphans and abandoned children in Romania.
Carota's Calling (December 20, 2003) News
Several houses. A successful career. Peter Carota had it all -- and gave it all up to become a priest.
St. Patrick's Dilemma (January 17, 2004) News
The little church out on Hwy 120 is already overcrowded and dangerously close to the busy two-lane highway. Now the state transportation department wants to take away 28 feet of their property to make the road bigger, faster and much, much closer. What's a parish to do?
Coffee 101 at iRoast4u (January 24, 2004) News
A local coffee shop offers a delicious class to teach people the ins and outs of drinking coffee. Be prepared to throw everything your mother taught you about good table manners right out the window, because slurping and spitting is classier than she thought.
Greetings from Reno! (March 13, 2004) news
Cover story.
NVS Salon (May 8, 2004) News
Nothing says "I love you" like the gift of a hair salon. Nina Gulley, a local stylist in the small town of Ripon, got a wedding present from her new husband that she'll never forget.
National Trails Day 2004 (June 5, 2004) News
Cover story
Write Fiction Like Cheryl (August 7, 2004) news writing contest
Contest.
Interview with a Makeup Artist (October 23, 2004) news biography artist
Cover story. Interview with Vance Whitaker, professional theatrical makeup artist.
Our 3rd Anniversary (April 10, 2005) cover story news announcement
A word from the editor on the third anniversary of the Piker Press.
Websurfing 30 (August 15, 2005) news internet opinion webcomics
Guest columnist Alex Queen takes you on a tour of some of the more interesting webcomics outside of the Press. From silly, crude fun to some simply amazing examples of art and story-telling.
Websurfing (August 29, 2005) news internet opinion tourism
Guest columnist Alex invites you to join her in a bit of armchair tourism, whisking you to the marvelous little resort town of Zermatt.
Websurfing (September 12, 2005) internet opinion humor
Guest columnist Alex Queen takes a moment to bring you some of her favorite web spots for the football season. NFL.com, fantasy football links, funny football articles and lots of links to Jon Gruden shouting at people. Bonus -- must-see William Shatner links.

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Short

The Grandmother Staff (April 15, 2002) short
Part One
The Grandmother Staff (April 22, 2002) short
Part 2
The Grandmother Staff (May 6, 2002) short
Part three
La Fiesta (November 18, 2002) short
A ghost story of the perils of temptation and the evil that waits to prey, based on a traditional family story Great-great-grandmother swore was true.
Margo Embargo, P.I. 01 (September 18, 2004) short
Private investigator Margo Embargo is called down to the Des Moine airport to investigate a strange... well, it's not a crime to ship barrels of cooking sherry. ...or is it? A "Write Fiction Like Cheryl" entry. Part 1 of 2.
Margo Embargo, P.I. 02 (September 25, 2004) short
A "Write Fiction Like Cheryl" runner up. Mislabeled barrels of cooking sherry filled with chalk. Scraps of poetry. And someone willing to kill to keep a secret. Margo and NAFTA Agent Hertz are close to solving something big. Part 2 of 2.
The Devil Chicken (April 10, 2005) short
The man with the wooden leg gained fame, fortune and all the whiskey you could drink before he lost it all - to the devil chicken. First appeared 2002-12-02
DogDoo Speaker (August 15, 2005) short fiction contemporary fantasy
With permission of (and apologies to) fellow staffers Josh and Audie, you are invited to take a step backwards in time, to visit con-man and spiritual psychic Vince Raines long before he met the strange creature who opened his mind to the whispers of demons. Meet a younger Vince, lower on the food chain of scam artists, posing as a pet psychic. And meet "September," the woman whose fecally fluent Scotty dogs prompt Vince to look into a career change...
In The Garden (April 16, 2007) short fiction mythology
A creation myth.(Originally appeared 04-17-2004)
Angel of Death (April 7, 2008) short fiction, contemporary
Ever wondered exactly who holds that job? Be careful what you say. It might be you. Originally appeared 2002-11-25
Raccoon Mansion (August 29, 2011) short
Some places still have enough magic left to make wishes come true. (First appeared 8-24-2002)
Eternal Monday Afternoon (November 23, 2015) cover story fiction death
Peace, joy, hope, happiness. All these are found in love...so how can we leave what we loved behind?

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Nonfiction

Bonsai! (April 22, 2002) nonfiction
Big adventure in tiny trees
Everything Zen (April 29, 2002) nonfiction
Zen Buddhism as practiced locally
Art History: The Edo Era of Japan (April 29, 2002) nonfiction
A silly look at a fascinating era of art history
Japanese Tea Ceremony (May 6, 2002) nonfiction
Layers of meaning in meditational tradition
Bird Scat Alley (May 20, 2002) nonfiction
Watching wildlife close to home
China's Han Dynasty (October 5, 2002) nonfiction
A brief introduction to one of the world's most exciting eras. An evil empire, an illiterate peasant, a story that even Hollywood couldn't make better.
Dia de los Muertos (November 4, 2002) nonfiction
Mocking mortality and dining with the dearly departed, the 'Day of the Dead' means never having to say 'goodbye'.
Sara's Heart (January 31, 2004) nonfiction biography health
Tattoo symbolizes victory over rare heart condition. Cover story.
Dia de los Muertos 2004 (October 30, 2004) nonfiction myth culture
Cover story
Veggie Spa Cleanses Body (February 20, 2005) nonfiction health
With its "Christian health principles" approach, no solid foods for the first six days, and only raw, vegetarian foods after that, the Bella Vita Lifestyle Education Home sounded a bit radical, but Lynette Rubio was encouraged by word of mouth, especially from cancer patients who had experienced positive changes to their health from adopting Bella Vita practices.
Small church lends hand in Ethiopia (March 13, 2005) nonfiction people humanitarian
Ripon is a small town whose population barely exceeds ten thousand, and only a small percentage of those folk attend the Ripon Church of Christ. But a handful of people here in the States have made a tremendous difference on the other side of the world.
Tomato Tips For Top Crops (May 9, 2005) nonfiction gardening
Gardeners, plant your seedlings — tomato season is about to begin! Competitive tomato gardening is a traditional neighborhood sport, and Certified Nursery Professional Nanci Nichols has several tips to keep you at the front of the pack for producing this juicy summer crop.
Untori (July 18, 2005) nonfiction history editorial
The strange events surrounding the Milanese Plague of 1630 seem more suited to a sci-fi thriller like Outbreak than a city just out of the dark ages. Several aspects, however, make a tragedy of four hundred years ago unusually easy to relate to today.
Herb Gardening (August 29, 2005) nonfiction gardening how-to
Looking for a small-scale gardening project with a large-scale reward? Try easy to care for herbs for year-round fun.
Peek of the Week 026 (January 23, 2006) photo art
A lemur at Micke Grove Zoo examines a scent marking on a branch.
Peek of the Week 040 (May 8, 2006) photo art
Blind bald eagle at Micke Grove Zoo.
Peek of the Week 042 (May 22, 2006) photo art
A portrait of an ibis at Micke Grove Zoo.
Mes de los Muertos (October 30, 2006) nonfiction
Welcome to Month of the Dead here at the Press.
Growing Up Wrong (August 17, 2015) essay memoir
Napalm. True tales of misspent youth.

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Opinion

The Land Decent Screenwriting Forgot (May 13, 2002) op_ed
Head-bangingly bad dialogue and character development so shallow you couldn't float a bug in it, Dinotopia is one made-for-television miniseries that shouldn't have been made at all.
Extreme Nude Recreation Week (July 13, 2002) op_ed
Commentary on nudism now and ideas for improving the nudism's image. So to speak.
Fishfaces of the Rich and Famous (March 31, 2003) op_ed
Looking for that special something to liven up your aquarium? Consider these exciting fishface celebrities from Uncle Edgar's Fishface Farm.
Macaquebeth (May 12, 2003) op_ed
The Monkey Manifesto - The Plymouth University experiment giving monkeys access to a computer has opened a whole barrel of social issues.
Oort Cloud Oddities: National Nude Recreation Week 2003 (August 18, 2003) op_ed
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and writers tend to drift in from someplace even further. This week: a rehashing of an old favorite. National Nude Recreation Week 2003. Huh. Everyone's outfit looks a lot like the ones they wore last year.
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Devil's Agent (September 1, 2003) op_ed
If the story the Exorcist was based on is indeed a true one, then the devil doesn't seem to do a very good job of marketing himself. He needs a new agent.
Oort cloud oddities: The rise and fall of the gastropod Mafia (September 15, 2003) op_ed
Some people make gardening look so easy. I hate them.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Celebrity Relationships (September 29, 2003) op_ed
Demi Moore is said to have moved in with Ashton Kutcher. Because he's, um. So ...smart?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Pride comes before a wet pants leg. (October 13, 2003) op_ed
An object lesson in why it doesn't pay to brag in the near vicinity of your dog.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Weapons of Mouse Destruction (October 20, 2003) op_ed
Looking for a "bunker buster" to roust terrorists out of their underground hideouts? Forget the nukes, go with little creepy-crawly things. Alex's dad can attest to their effectiveness.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mes de los Muertos (November 8, 2003) op_ed
An introduction to Dia de los Muertos and some food for thought.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Uncle Buddy (November 29, 2003) op_ed
Another Mes de los Muertos piece. The life, death, and remembrance of Great-Uncle Buddy teaches a sharp lesson. We're not sure what, but it's probably a good one.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Night of the Satanists (December 6, 2003) op_ed
A held-over tale for Dia de los Muertos detailing the adventures of two young men who grew up to enforce curfews for their own children. With good reason.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Grandpa Queen and the Chicken of Doom (December 13, 2003) op_ed
The final Mes de los Muertos piece. A story about the struggle between a man of good and a chicken of evil. Thank God for the wooden leg.
Oort Cloud Oddities: World Beard and Mustache Championships (December 20, 2003) op_ed
Forget about the arms race -- America's problem is lagging behind in the hair race. Our men (and women) can't make the grade when it comes to growing stuff on their face.
Oort Cloud Oddities: New Year's Resolutions (December 27, 2003) op_ed
Oh, sure, you could be like the rest of those sheep and try to make yourself a better person this year. Or you could come up with a list of resolutions like these and be the same person you were last year -- just more so.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Eat or be eaten (January 3, 2004) op_ed
Mankind's place on the food chain is in serious jeopardy. If you didn't pick up on that by the fact that Joe Millionaire got a second season, then let the "ant incident" clear any doubt from your mind.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Aunt Mary and the Pumpkin Pie (January 17, 2004) op_ed
Dust off some Thanksgiving leftovers this week and learn how giving a relative their 'just desserts' can affect your family karma. Then give it to 'em anyway.
Oort Cloud Oddities: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas (January 24, 2004) op_ed
Christmas isn't about snow and the decorations. No, it's about people clawing and scratching and gouging each other's eyes out in the shopping centers.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bodice-Rippers and Football (January 31, 2004) op_ed
Love and the editors of romance novels are blind. It's one thing to enjoy a good book or a good game, but why are we compelled to suffer through crap?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Christmas Gifts (February 7, 2004) op_ed
What do you get for the relative who hates everything? Here are a few gift ideas that prove it is infinitely better to give than to receive.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Real Estate Crocs (February 13, 2004) op_ed
When real estate agents get out of hand, there's only one thing to do. Train crocodiles to eat them.
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Enzo vs. the Metro (February 14, 2004) op_ed
Sure, you could buy a Ferrari Enzo for $670,000. Or you could purchase a Geo Metro for $8,000. When the chips are down, how do you get the most mind-blowing automotive fun for your money?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mad cow (February 21, 2004) op_ed
It's a mad, mad, mad cow ridden world out there. A simple trip to donate blood turns into an eye opening experience.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Coffee Shop Offices (February 28, 2004) op_ed
Fashion. Gossip. Lattes. Is there any better office for a writer than a small table in the corner of a coffee shop? Maybe.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Free-verse Neanderthal (March 6, 2004) op_ed
For better or for verse, some people's sense of "art" hasn't evolved out of the Stone Ages. Has Robert Frost written some stupid poetry? Some Neanderthals think so.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Presidential Candidates 2004 (March 13, 2004) op_ed
From before the primaries, a look at the 2004 Presidential Campaign for Dummies
Oort Cloud Oddities: Extreme Hobbies (March 20, 2004) op_ed
How come high school sports stick to things like football and tennis when there are so many more interesting activities out there?
Fashion Beat Summer 04 (March 27, 2004) op_ed
Cover story. The theme for this summer is "back to nature," so throw away your razor and let it all grow out! An April Fools Day spoof.
Oort Cloud Oddities: The 55 MPH Pig (April 3, 2004) op_ed
Some people raise livestock because it's their job. Other people just like to eat the stuff below them on the food chain. But even the most hardened of carnivorous farmers sometimes get soft spots.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clarence Darrow (April 17, 2004) op_ed
Long live Democracy -- despite everyone who participates. Lawmakers and politicians have always been a bunch of crooks.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hemingway (April 24, 2004) op_ed
In hating "The Old Man and the Sea", one comes to learn its true meaning. But it still stinks.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Child rearing (May 1, 2004) op_ed
Why don't we eat them while they're still small and tender? It can only be a miracle of nature.
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 Campaign Advice (May 8, 2004) op_ed
Since the 2004 Presidental campaign is shaping up to be a clash of the intellectual titans, here's a little advice for both candidates to help their images.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Haiku War (May 15, 2004) op_ed
War is never pretty, but bad poetry is even worse. Based on the true story of a Piker Staff meeting.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Zombie Infection (May 22, 2004) op_ed
A simple zombie infection simulation run on a computer sparks the Week of the Living Dead, sapping the brains and the will to live from one hapless couple.
Oort Cloud Oddities: CAPTCHAs (May 29, 2004) op_ed
Can't tell if that's a loved one or an evil cyborg replica cooking you breakfast? You need a Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart. There's several of them out there -- Gotta CAPTCHA'm all!
Oort Cloud Oddities: Ground Squirrels (June 5, 2004) op_ed
The ground squirrel instinct to dart out in right in front of the only car to have passed that way in weeks, also known as nature's recipe for road pizza, is a widespread phenomenon.
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Pickle Jar (June 12, 2004) op_ed
If you think the warning labels on cups of coffee are unnecessary, then you've lived a sheltered life around intelligent people. Meet the Face of Stupidity: he is Fourmyle, the family cat.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Body Image (June 19, 2004) op_ed
Crimes against nature used to be priced too high for anyone but criminal masterminds. Then came easy credit. Now, plastic surgery isn't just for Michael Jackson anymore.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Peevil Knievel (June 26, 2004) op_ed
Peter Pan isn't the only one who never really grew up. From mis-reading books about space to using the bathroom as an arena for personal challenge and showmanship, some people - men, mostly - never change.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Nazgul Gardeners (July 3, 2004) op_ed
If your lawn mower or weed trimmer can't make a decent showing at a Nascar event, it's not good enough for this elite squad from the Dept. of Landscape Security.
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Horse Whisperer (July 10, 2004) op_ed
From the time he was a young boy, John Queen always had a certain way with horses. That's why they didn't like him.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Galapagos TV (July 17, 2004) op_ed
The marriage of documentaries and reality television: sure, it might be dumbing down science a little bit, but who wouldn't want to watch Paris Hilton try to harvest live electric eels for scientific research? (BZZZZT! "Omigod, owww!!!")
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cheap Summer Travel (July 24, 2004) op_ed
It's not where you go that makes a good summer vacation, it's the PR spin you put on it. With a little creative marketing, you can convince yourself that any destination is a great one.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Summer Movies (July 31, 2004) op_ed
The heck with a good book. This summer, let's set aside the time to watch some bad movies. From Kiera Knightly's flat chest to Halle Berry's enormous hat, there's sure to be something for everyone to make fun of.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clothing (August 14, 2004) op_ed
When it comes to clothing, older is better. Well, maybe not better, but you just can't trust new clothing. Plus, as in the case of the dreaded Nipple Shirt, if it's gross enough, people won't bother you.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Writers Online (August 28, 2004) op_ed
Writers are the most interesting people. With the advent of "instant messenger" technology, writers from all over can connect to network, share their progress and discuss Buddhist androids. Which is really important to their careers. Swear to God.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Lotion (September 4, 2004) op_ed
The first time leaving your baby and husband alone together while you go out of town is always tough for a new mother. But apparently, it's even tougher on Daddy and Lillian. They'll live through it, but just barely.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Movie Merchandise (September 11, 2004) op_ed
Marketers just don't seem to think when they create merchandise to go along with films. Faux Dalmatian hide? Extra copies of Sauron's Ring? A Wiggles Tarot Deck? Sick. Just sick.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Sightseeing (September 18, 2004) op_ed
A semi-true account of the first annual Piker Press Conference. After the business was taken care of, there was plenty of time to show everyone around the Valley. Home is always a lot more interesting when described by a writer.
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Genesis of Gender (October 2, 2004) op_ed
"Why is pink considered a girl color and blue a boy color?" It's a little known fact that gender was invented in the 1930's to combat the Great Depression.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Learning Poetry (October 9, 2004) op_ed
Poetry should rhyme. It's the law, and anyone who says otherwise is a pinko communist.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Clerihews (October 16, 2004) op_ed
Who appreciates fine poetry any more? Your family definitely won't. Compromise with Clerihews: lose the "fine" and replace it with "fast" and "funny".
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mohawk Mommy (October 23, 2004) op_ed
When a friend finds out she's going to undergo chemotherapy, Sand shaves her own head to show moral support. Hilarity ensues.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Key Ring Synergy (October 30, 2004) op_ed
Marriage is a mysterious thing. A normal quirk in one partner can combine with a normal quirk in the other partner to create a synergistic insanity that outsiders find boggling.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Halloween Costumes (November 6, 2004) op_ed
A good costume should be topical, relevant, witty and not too expensive. Don't worry about the good taste -- that's pretty much not a requirement.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Viking Sanchez (November 13, 2004) op_ed
When your daughter's first and best loved dolly, the one named after a dearly departed family member, is just too decrepid and smelly to go on, there's only one way to dispose of it. Break out the little horned helmets: it's time for a Viking Dolly Funeral.
Veteran's Day 2004 (November 13, 2004) op_ed political military essay
Cover story
Oort Cloud Oddities: Meaningful Books (November 20, 2004) op_ed
It's hard to take meaningful dramas seriously. They're just so unreal. A touching moment between a married couple, the faithful guard dog protecting family from danger, even an attractive woman riding her motorcycle down the street: in the books, that all works perfectly. Since when does real life let any of those people get away with even a scrap of dignity?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Napoleon (November 27, 2004) op_ed
Europe's tiniest dictator has gone from the amazing feat of using the French army to thrash almost the entire world to appearing on the cans of baby corn. Ponderous, baby.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bruce-Free Thanksgiving (December 4, 2004) op_ed
With the holidays approaching, your only hope is to contract some mysterious and highly contagious disease. Otherwise you'll have to put up with... the relatives.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Birthright Pie (December 11, 2004) op_ed
Back home, Jack-O-Lanterns are for decorating yards, and "eatin pumpkins" are for making into pies. But the rest of the world has no idea what variety of vegetable an "eatin pumpkin" might actually be. In fact, the rest of the world does a lot of things different than they did back home. And upon careful reflection, that might just be for the best.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Rainy Day Raiders (December 18, 2004) op_ed
Being stuck inside on a rainy day with toddlers and animals is enough to drive any adult mad. Or inspire them to write bad poetry about the Oakland Raiders. In the end, the cat says it best.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Kid Rock Dog Farts (January 1, 2005) op_ed
Between Kid Rock stinking up the TV and the dog's back end polluting the air, working from a home office is impossible. Unless you've got a little help from a supportive spouse.
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 In Review (January 16, 2005) op_ed
While other people have presented 2004 the way it was, this is a look at 2004 the way it might as well have been, but wasn't. Includes resolutions that may as well have been made and predictions for 2005 that will never happen, but should.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Fantasy Playoffs (January 29, 2005) op_ed
The tumultuous first year of the almost victorious, entirely fictitious San Diego Thunder.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Yeast (January 30, 2005) op_ed, humor, food
Yeast is no ingredient. It's alive. Sure, when you first get into baking, all you see are innocuous little packets of granules -- dry and gently slumbering "kitchen helpers". But once you delve into serious bread baking, you'll find the kitchen is a setting straight out of Lovecraft or Poe, and it's all because of yeast.
Oort Cloud Oddities:LibraryDay (February 6, 2005) op_ed, humor, libraries
Next year, they're going to plop the cast of Survivor down in a small town like Ripon and make them try to get books to and from the library with a toddler in tow. It ain't easy.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Squid-Eye Love (February 13, 2005) op_ed
Drink to me only with thine squid-like eyes.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Beese (February 20, 2005) op_ed, humor, kids, parenting
Long for the simpler, less expensive toys of yesteryear? Be careful what you wish for. As a simple, pink helium balloon demonstrates, imagination can be an annoying thing.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Health Care (February 20, 2005) op_ed
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cantina (March 6, 2005) op_ed humor health care
What would you do to be able to eat all the fresh, delicious donuts you want, in beautiful surroundings? Would you give blood? A lot of blood?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Squid Eye (March 13, 2005) op_ed, humor, romance
Just in time for Valentine's Day, a team from Brown University has discovered that the human eye is gross. But it takes a married couple to make science downright nauseating.
Oort Cloud Oddities: FishinFoo (March 20, 2005) op_ed, humor, fishing
Fishing isn't a hobby - to this family, it's a disorder. Giant fish, demon fish, fish so mean you gotta beat 'em with a hammer: it doesn't matter when you're a mad fishin' foo!
Oort Cloud Oddities: HMO blues (March 27, 2005) op_ed humor health care
Signing up for health insurance is almost worse than life threatening diseases.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cry Room (April 3, 2005) op_ed, humor, kids, church
Don't blame parents for bringing that brat to church -- Jesus was the one who said, "Let the little children come to Me." We have to assume that God gets a kick out having the little critters around. Even with their incessant nose-picking.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Gift Enema (April 10, 2005) op_ed
There's no better way to say "I love you" than with the gift of a home enema kit. First appeared 2004-12-25
Oort Cloud Oddities: Oscar Birthday (April 17, 2005) op_ed, humor, kids, parenting
Nothing ruins a birthday like the Oscars. Don't try to emulate celebrities, people, they're professionals.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mrs. Mike (April 24, 2005) op_ed humor book review
A look at the classic novel, "Mrs. Mike" — romance and dead cows in the Great White North.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Steroids and Baseball (May 1, 2005) op_ed humor editorial sports
Just call em the St. Louis Carnies and be done with it, because this whole steroids-in-baseball freak show isn't going to be over until the Bearded Lady strikes out.
Oort Cloud Oddities: DIY Therapy (May 9, 2005) op_ed, humor
Don't bother with all the high cost of psychiatric advice -- better mental health is just a bowl of cereal away.
Book Review: The Mark of Voodoo (May 16, 2005) book review
Review of The Mark of Voodoo, a book by Sharon Caulder, PhD. Terrible scholarly treatise, great trashy read.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Safe Surfing (May 16, 2005) op_ed humor family computers
If you want to know how to surf the Internet safely, go ask an old fashioned Baby Boomer. You may have thought your parents were out of touch, but it turns out that they were just ahead of their time. And in the wrong industry.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Finger Food (May 23, 2005) op_ed humor current events
Nothing spells portion control like a severed finger in your fresh chili. A commentary on the gripping tale of customer Anna Ayala, who claimed this past March to have been literally given the finger while dining at a Wendy's in San Jose.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Picasso (May 30, 2005) op_ed humor art kids parenting
Dali. Rembrandt. O'Keeffe. Picasso. You can lead children to art, but you can't make them like it.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Stuck in a Tree (June 13, 2005) op_ed humor family
An undignified accident brings a welcome shift of the spot light. Writers of humor columns beware! Don't ever rip your pants getting stuck in a tree!
Oort Cloud Oddities: Night of the Living 'Do (June 20, 2005) op_ed humor hair supernatural
Stay away from the hair lightener, Carol Ann! Too much abuse of home care products has grave consequence, and even after the color has been fixed, there's something supernaturally creepy about that glamorous new style.
Oort Cloud Oddities: British Sporks (June 27, 2005) op_ed humor current events
Get the bride a set of sporks, because times are a-changing! Yes, the Brits are seriously considering banning pointy knives.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Growing Pains (July 4, 2005) op_ed humor kids parenting
A pre-schooler's first activity without mom right beside her proves that growing pains are always hardest on the parents. Now Mommy needs therapy.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hempopotamus (July 11, 2005) op_ed humor
Industrial hemp! It's the answer to everything from clothing to our dependency on foreign oil to underarm deodorant. Well, our answer to everything but deodorant, at least...
Oort Cloud Oddities: Axing the TV (July 18, 2005) op_ed humor
Time to follow in the footsteps of Basil and get rid of the demon television set -- quick, before you turn into Anna Nicole Smith!
Oort Cloud Oddities: Martong Theme Restaurant (July 25, 2005) op_ed
Weenies in a blanket used to sound unappetizing. Then along came Eric Wang and his Martong Theme Restaurant - now a chain of diners in Taiwan were you can eat while sitting on a toilet, out of a plate shaped like a toilet, from a menu featuring food like soft-serve chocolate ice cream. Pass the weenies, please.
I Hate Tom Cruise Week (July 25, 2005) cover story
Oort Cloud Oddities: Astrological Hair (August 1, 2005) Op_Ed humor astrology astronomy
Disbelieve astrology if you must, but don't mock the stars. They will get you. Alex allows her hair to give a horoscope, then allows her mouth to get her in trouble with the planets.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Forum Fonts (August 8, 2005) op_ed
A rare look behind the scenes at the Piker Press. A regular contributor who shall remain nameless (JEFF!) sends the senior editor and her main tech guy, who shall also remain anonymous (Josh) on a quest for new design. Along the way, they discover that cool fonts can, apparently, make you stupid.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Hydrophobic Felines (August 15, 2005) op_ed humor pets
You think the Halloween or Nightmare on Elm Street movies were scary and violent? If you want a mix of terrors, screams and bloodshed, just get a cat within ten feet of a swimming pool or shower. Cats and water do not mix.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Miss Plastic Surgery (August 22, 2005) op_ed
China has recently held their first "Miss Plastic Surgery" pageant, opening up a whole realm of ethical debate that should have been closed long ago when we had the chance. Now the world is finding out that tampering with nature isn't just dangerous, it's undignified. When we're all heads in jars (with perfect teeth) you can blame those Claymation raisins from back in the 80's.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Dragonfly Swarm (August 29, 2005) op_ed
Writing ad copy to sell clothing is tricky when other people don't buy clothes for the same reason you do. I mean, heck, if swarms of dragonflies aren't a factor, then there's really no reason to bother wearing clothes at all, is there?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Beer and Football (September 5, 2005) humor sports gender
Beer and football - two timeless topics that should no longer belong to men only. They're dramatic, they're fascinating, and since they lead to frequent urination, women have the advantage anyway. Our restrooms are so much cleaner.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Mutant Mice (September 12, 2005) op-ed humor genetic engineering ethics science
The British have been under a cloud of suspicion ever since the Spice Girls, but while they may have assuaged our fears temporarily by taking Madonna off our hands, it seems that it was only a ploy to distract us from their real mission -- cloning an army of mutated mice.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Talk Like A Pirate Day (September 19, 2005) humor holidays
Break out yer polka dotted bandana, strap a patch over yer bad eye and gird up yer loins with the pantaloons that don't have that embarrassing zipper problem, because September 19th is National Talk Like A Pirate Day.
Review: Kung-Fu Hustle (September 26, 2005) film review
This is no roll-your-eyes B-grade film. It is a beautiful, breath-taking, hilarious film that acknowledges and embraces the most ludicrous aspects of martial arts films, uses them to make you howl with laughter, and then continues on to make what is actually a wonderful martial arts movie in its own right.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Spinach!! (September 26, 2005) humor gardening
Ah, the ancient rhythm of harvest and planting is deeply soothing to the soul. Almost so soothing as to distract one from the ancient rhythm of making one's relatives angry. But, wait -- you can do both!
Oort Cloud Oddities: Corrupting Games (October 3, 2005) humor
Computer games are the source of all evil. Seriously. Especially solitaire.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Two-Stroke Engine Man (October 10, 2005) humor
You can't pick your neighbors. And it would be boring if they were all completely well behaved, without any strange little idiosyncrasies. You come to be fond of "Decorates Every Holiday With Lighted Lawn Art -- Even The Obscure Ones Like Boxing Day and Dental Floss Week -- Woman." And what neighborhood would be complete without a "Two-Stroke Engine Man"?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Foraging (October 17, 2005) humor wild foods
Foraging: It's what's for dinner.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Potty Helmet Laws (October 24, 2005) humor kids
The heck with makin the little critters wear helmets when they ride their bicycles. Make em wear protective gear when they're learning to use the toilet.
Dead by 25: Ghost of a Chance (October 31, 2005) book review bad
Some people will toss a book if it doesn't thrill them after the first two or three pages. Alex made it to page 25 of Yasmine Galenorn's supernatural-romance-mystery and then gave up the ghost. Here's why.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cats Hate Winter (November 14, 2005) humor pets
Hell hath no fury like a cat with cold, wet feet. If only they were migratory creatures. Then we wouldn't have to make statements like, "Cat: it's what's for dinner".
Oort Cloud Oddities: Naughty Wasp (November 21, 2005) humor animals
A summer day is shattered when a woman pulls on her one-piece bathing suit only to find that a wasp had been snoozing in the garment's crotch. Neither the wasp nor the woman will ever be the same.
Oort Cloud: Pot and Brain Growth (November 28, 2005) humor health
Marijuana promotes brain cell growth? Ritalin is the new illegal drug of choice? If the headlines are to be believed, the psychiatric industry is getting a little weird. And when Tom Cruise starts making sense about something, you know things are going seriously awry.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Black Friday (December 5, 2005) humor social
What's full of hostility, brawls and senseless violence? Holiday shopping on Black Friday, Wal-Mart style. We can't always blame Capitol Hill for our bad image.
Oort Cloud Oddities: State Slogans (December 12, 2005) humor political
New Jersey's state slogan is getting a new makeover -- and you know if someone says, "makeover," California has just got to join in.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Gross Gifts (December 19, 2005) humor Christmas
Friends mocking you because what you want for Christmas is a little weird? Here's an array of inexpensive (and disgusting) gift ideas that will make your wishlist seem positively mundane.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Kentucky Fried Christmas (December 26, 2005) humor Christmas
Christmas belongs to everyone. No matter how weird they are.
Oort Cloud Oddities: 2005 in review (January 2, 2006) humor
2005 in review... to the tune of a popular Christmas carol. Get ready to sing along as we cover the high- and low-lights of 2005.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Scary Workout Videos (January 9, 2006) humor exercise
Sure, I'll resolve to work out more this year, just like I have every year before this. But only if "feel the burn" applies to my muscles, and not my poor eyes.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Worm Guy (January 16, 2006) humor
Money, status, plastic surgery... none of it means anything to a snarky writer. What does it take to impress Alex? A pile of worms.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Smarter Clothes (January 23, 2006) humor fashion
Geek chic adds brain power to boutique? It just may be that clothes really do make the man.
Oort Cloud Oddities: 50 is better (January 30, 2006) humor
People in their fifties get all the cool benefits. Is there even any point to ages 30-49?
Oort Cloud Oddities: Cupid and the Tomkitten (February 6, 2006) humor
Time now for another exciting round of "Ask an Expert," where I call upon years of half-paying-attention in school and watching "documentaries" like Fox's Alien Autopsy to answer questions that were never directed towards me in the first place.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Fourmyle and the Hat (February 13, 2006) cover story humor animals
Cruelty to animals is wrong. Wearing fur just might be, too. But when kitty falls hard for a raccoon skin hat, the resulting ethical tangle is one that only hardcore ALFers could figure out. That ain't bad manners, that's just good lovin.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Internet Birthday (February 20, 2006) humor
The Internet was fifteen years old last November 13. And like many fifteen year olds, it's primarily obsessed with computer games, celebrity gossip and porn. But with all the things out there to care about, it hardly tops the list.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Sharkey the Impaler (February 27, 2006) humor politics
Minnesota's gubernatorial elections first brought us Jesse Ventura. This year, they bring us candidate Jonathon Sharkey, self-proclaimed vampire. That's wrong. Wrong and stupid. Not that he's running, but that a delusional wacko has a better grip on some of the concepts involved than many mainstream politicians, educators and rights activists.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Pizza Parent Pain (March 6, 2006) humor parenting
Kids love the place. Parents can stand it. Since they don't serve adult beverages there, just have a slice of generation gap with sausage and pepperoni on top.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Birthday Worms (March 20, 2006) humor parenting
Can a parent raised by wolves handle the inevitable invitations for her child to attend birthday parties? Not gracefully.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Skidmarks and Gay Cowboys (March 27, 2006) humor
Time to ask the psychic hair questions of deep importance. Where do skidmarks go when you wear a thong? And what's with all those gay cowboys, lately?
Oort Cloud Oddities: April 15 (April 10, 2006) op_ed, humor, taxes
What are the two most stress-producing words in the english language? Venomous spider? Super volcano? Prostate exam? Small beans, all of them. If you want to pack the maximum amount of anxiety and aggravation into two words, you need only to say, "April 15th".
Oort Cloud Oddities: Family Travels (April 17, 2006) humor family travel
Travel. Good for the lungs. Good for the brain. It's too much to hope for that it would be good for the bowels, too.
A Filthy Piker Guide to Uranus (April 24, 2006) op_ed humor astronomy
For everybody who's ever had to sit through a planetarium show or an astronomy class on the seventh planet and try not to snigger, here is an enlightening little summary just for you, complete with talking cow cartoons. (Originally appeared 2003-04-28)
Oort Cloud Oddities: Coffee Feng Shui (April 24, 2006) op_ed
Sun Tzu, the Art of War, corporate America and drinking coffee. They're all more closely entertwined than most sane people realize. (Originally appeared 2005-01-23)
Oort Cloud Oddities: Off the Path (May 1, 2006) humor
In the horror movies, traveling off the beaten path always means sure death for the vacationing family. Thank goodness real people aren't stupid enough to do that.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Florida Pizza (May 29, 2006) humor
The hurricane season won't start until June, but Florida's residents face a new devastating threat. Iguanas and giant snakes. Fortunately, the answer can be delivered in 30 minutes or less.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Name Branding (June 5, 2006)
Oort Cloud Oddities: Spring Horoscopes 1 (June 12, 2006)
Oort Cloud Oddities: Women's Equality Day (August 21, 2006) humor
"Ph Balanced for a Woman" Ain't Near Enough
Editorial: Two Years of the Piker Press (April 16, 2007) op_ed
The Piker Press from conception to two years of age. An editor's retrospective.(Originally appeared 04-10-2004)
Oort Cloud Oddities: Ford (May 14, 2007) humor automotive industry
Ford - Found On the Road Dead. Fix Or Repair Daily. Fire Or Recall Disaster. Whatever you want to say it stands for, Ford is as much an American institution as consumerism and road congestion. Can it survive this latest setback?
Notes From The Office 05 (February 18, 2008) Announcement
Professional and creative? Not once you become a parent. Because Mattel's Barbie is there to eat your brain.
Red Hot Art Review (July 21, 2008) humor, art, review
Is it a book review? A humor column? An artsy "how to"? No. It's just one of my pre-migraine days when everything is really agitating. And -- fabulous me! -- I'm bringing YOU along for the ride.
Review: Death Race (2008) (September 1, 2008) movie review
A film that is perfect for what it is: a vehicle for blowing up bad guys.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bird Flu (June 27, 2011) humor health epidemiology
Oh, sure the bird flu has the potential to wipe out most of the globe's population. But so far, it's only killed about sixty folk. Compare that to the number of people who have died taking Viagra. Death in perspective.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Efficiency Kitchen (September 8, 2014) essay life humor
Someone once said an efficiently designed kitchen minimizes the number of steps you have to take from food preparation areas to food storage areas. That idiot obviously didn't have a family. Or dogs. Or run the risk of visits from the Angel of Obesity. (Originally appeared 08-21-2004)
Oort Cloud Oddities: James Lick's Monument (October 27, 2014) op_ed
Sure, James Lick looked like Abraham Lincoln with a drug problem. He was, after all, one of California's first crazy rich dudes. But he's also a great example of someone who put a lot of thought into how they wanted to be remembered when they die.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Art is suffering (March 16, 2015) humor art
If art is suffering, doodling sure beats paying the therapy bills. But it's not without its hazards.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Bathrooms (May 4, 2015) op_ed
To pee or not to pee, that is the question. A look at how great acoustics and clever designs can still result in a very bad bathroom.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Alternative Pest Control (May 25, 2015) essay humor
There is more than one way to skin a cat. Or kill a spider. Or shoot a fish. Some of them involve aerosol flammables and dressing up like your favorite comic book character. It's just better for the environment.
Oort Cloud Oddities: A Woman Who Likes Football (September 21, 2015) op_ed
It's not easy becoming one, and there are a couple of quirks involved in being one, but they do exist.
Unfit Mother Goose (June 13, 2016) op_ed
Nursery rhymes in the hands of new parents can be horrible weapons of brain cell destruction. Truly it is Nature's plan that little critters aren't born able to understand what their parents are singing.
Oort Cloud Oddities: Shoe sizes (June 27, 2016) op_ed humor shoes history
So why is it if a husband and wife have identically sized feet, no two pairs of shoes in their closet are the same size? Because a size eight sneaker by any other name...
Oort Cloud Oddities: Who wears the dress in this kitchen? (October 9, 2017) op_ed
The gender wars continue to wage in the kitchen and around the house. In the end, however, perhaps we are not so different. After all, none of us, man or woman, knows what the hell to do with three bottles of "dill" in the spice cabinet.
Oort Cloud Oddities: The Mommy Voice (April 1, 2019) op_ed
Mothers have a unique tool to strike fear and terror into the hearts of those around them, a power that borders on the supernatural. We call it, "The Mommy Voice".

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Serial

The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 01 (June 28, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Seven foot of half orc. Fifteen foot of chain. Add romantic inclinations, an obnoxious thief and a stroke of pure dumb luck. Stir. Episode One - Everyone could use a little change.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 02 (July 5, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode 2: The Hammered Hand - Home Away From Home
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 03 (July 13, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode Three - Go West, Young Orc
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 04 (July 20, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode Four - Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 05 (July 27, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode Five - The Bloodport Market - Number One in selection and customer mortality.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 06 (August 3, 2002) serial fantasy humor
The Joys of Distant Relations or Blood - and Skulls - Are Thicker Than Water
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 07 (August 17, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode Seven - The Journey Begins and a Wool-Earned Rest
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 08 (August 24, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode Eight - A Mysterious Hole
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 09 (August 31, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode Nine - Minerva's Monstrous Secret, or "She's in it for de-mony"
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 10 (September 7, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode Ten - A Night at the Inn
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 11 (September 14, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode Eleven - I got yer 'fishwife superstitions' right here...
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 12 (September 28, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode 12: The Fellowship of the Ring
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 13 (October 5, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Rumors of the Demon King
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 14 (October 12, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode 14 - Waymeet and "Wee Master Dingle"
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 15 (November 4, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode 15 - Running Errands
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 16 (December 2, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode 16: Justice is Done
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 17 (December 16, 2002) serial fantasy humor
Episode 17: The Road to Darkdim Crux
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 18 (January 11, 2003) serial fantasy humor
Episode 18: Cons and Fish Stories Seven foot of half orc. Fifteen foot of chain. Add romantic inclinations, an obnoxious thief and a stroke of pure dumb luck. Stir.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 19 (January 18, 2003) serial fantasy humor
Episode 19: Con. It's spelled C-O-N... Seven foot of half orc. Fifteen foot of chain. Add romantic inclinations, an obnoxious thief and a stroke of pure dumb luck. Stir.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 20 (February 10, 2003) serial fantasy humor
Episode 20 - "The curse of the mace" or "May I please die and go to hell instead?" Our half-orc hero, off finding his roots, tries to be a nice guy. This is what he gets for it.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 21 (February 17, 2003) serial fantasy humor
Episode 21 Life in a Mace - Trapped inside an enchanted mace with 14 other thugs, Ozzie learns the ropes. Will Riordan and Minerva save the day?
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 22 (March 3, 2003) serial fantasy humor
Episode 22 - Freedom! Aw, you knew Ozzie wouldn't spend eternity stuck in the mace with those morons.
Tam Lin 01 (May 19, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction - a modern-day fantasy romance based on the traditional fairy tale Tam Lin. This week: Michelle returns to the boring town of her childhood. A handsome stranger, a chance encounter - could anything be more romantic? Yes, yes it could.
Tam Lin 02 (May 26, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction. Another chance run-in with the handsome stranger and his hawk leaves Michelle with ten missing hours and some very disturbing questions in part 2 of the traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 03 (June 2, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction. Waking up in a dark, empty lot with ten missing hours is nothing to mess with and Michelle vows to avoid the mysterious stranger and his bird of prey. But when the falcon shows up in her front yard and eats the neighbor's cat, it becomes obvious that something greater than coincidence is at work. Michelle takes the bull by the horns and seeks some answers in this week's episode of the traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 04 (June 9, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction. The trapped knight breaks his reluctant silence and tells of his imprisonment in the land of the Fae. If he's more talkative, he certainly isn't more polite. Michelle doesn't let a little thing like being told to go away stop her from penetrating deeper into the realm of the Fae. The verbal sparring heats up in this traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 05 (June 16, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction. Ignoring the lost knight's attempts to safeguard her, Michelle enters deep into the realm of Fae. Close to the source, the commands summoning her become frighteningly clear, leading her further into danger. Fortunately, "foolhardy" could be Michelle's middle name in this traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 06 (June 23, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction. Having entered deep into the realm of Fae, Michelle finds herself summoned into a lair filled with secrets. The reason she has been summoned, DeSorcy's scandalous past, and a dead body await in the darkness below in this episode of the traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 07 (June 30, 2003) Serial
Summoned into the realm of Fae to solve a murder, Michelle and the lost knight, DeSorcy, track down leads to discover who has slain a mortal and brought forbidden cold iron into the lands of the Sidhe. Rejak the Troll may be able to devour Michelle in one bite, but it's a tough call as to which one has the bigger mouth in this episode of the traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 08 (July 7, 2003) Serial
Michelle may have begun finding answers, but all DeSorcy has come across has been the business ends of trolls and gorgons. Time to limp home and patch the knight up a bit. Michelle gets a peek through DeSorcy's cracked ribs to what the lost knight is really like inside in this week's episode of the traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 09 (July 14, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction. Some amicable conversation, some cracked ribs, a few hours to rest... why, it almost sounds like a recipe for romance, except that DeSorcy is above such things and Michelle is not hitting on him. Of course. There's nothing going on in this episode of the traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 10 (July 21, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction. Michelle and DeSorcy return to the capital city of the Fae to question Bowgren the fletcher about a murder, but there's still a little time left over for DeSorcy to try to show off and for Michelle to pick a fight. It's a trip to the mall, Fae-style, in this episode of the traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 12 (August 18, 2003) Serial
A mortal slain in the realm of Fae -- by cold iron. Michelle and DeSorcy have rooted out the last person the victim was seen with, a man willing to kill to protect his secrets. Michelle shoots her mouth off and nearly gets her mouth shot off in this episode of the traditional fairy tale retold.
Tam Lin 13 (August 25, 2003) Serial
Mystery solved, cold iron collected, Michelle has done the bidding of her sinister summoner. All that remains is to return home... and the small matter of a reward. Will Michelle get what she asks for in this episode of the traditional fairy tale retold?
Tam Lin 14 (September 1, 2003) Serial
First draft serial fiction. Michelle has been rushed off rather unceremoniously to the realm of mortals. Was it all just a hallucination? Five missing weeks to explain and one very important loose thread to tie up in the conclusion to this traditional fairy tale retold.
Extinction's Brink 01 (January 24, 2004) Serial
Work. Serve. Obey. It's not a bad life when it's all you know. But Rho Five knows in his heart that the girl he's loved all his life is going to be the one who changes everything.
Extinction's Brink 02 (January 31, 2004) Serial
Heresy upon heresy! Psi Two has led Rho Five into the forbidden Caves of the Fire Rune where no male dare tread! She's contradicted every belief the eldest Daugh'ters have taught! And she's the one to finally speak to the gods again -- just like Rho Five knew she would be. It's a good thing. ...right?
Extinction's Brink 03 (February 7, 2004) Serial
Psi Two's heresies have proven to be truths as she unlocks the secrets of the Fire Runes and summons the gods of old before Rho Five's eyes. What should have made them heroes and provided salvation for their people ends in damnation and disgrace instead.
Extinction's Brink 04 (February 14, 2004) Serial
Nine years is a long time to keep hope alive, but Rho Five's faith is finally rewarded when the gods return. Finally, everything is going to change. Meanwhile, 27 is just trying to stick to the daily routine, but there's always some twit trying to change things for the better. Can't people leave well enough alone?
Extinction's Brink 05 (February 21, 2004) Serial
The gods may have taken him, but Rho Five's first day in the heavens isn't exactly what he expected. Speaking of not exactly what's expected, resident angel 27 finds out what her big surprise is. The gods must be crazy.
Extinction's Brink 06 (February 28, 2004) Serial
Rho Five might call it folly to try to understand the minds of gods. But 27 is a professional translator, and deciphering aliens is what she does. Not that the tentacled Waymakers or the plant-like Snap make it easy on her.
Extinction's Brink 07 (March 13, 2004) Serial
27 meets the newest member of the crew. For someone who specializes in Human Culture and translation, she's having a difficult time communicating. Meanwhile, Rho Five is finding that the transition into a new job is always a little bumpy.
Intro to Ozzie (October 2, 2004) serial fantasy humor
It's been a little over a year, but Osgun the half-orc is back. Next week will begin the second set of his adventures as he pursues the woman he loves deep into the lands of the demon king. But first, a little refresher as to the plot so far.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 23 (October 9, 2004) serial fantasy humor
The caravan guards are rude to him. His partner-in-crime is rude to him. And every time he opens his mouth, nothing but ill luck comes of it. Life is never easy for a half-orc, but Osgun isn't too worried about it. Sooner or later there will be heads to crack open.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 24 (October 16, 2004) serial fantasy humor
A new land and a new life are almost in sight for Osgun the half-orc and his small-time associate, Riordan. But speculating on the future shows only that little people have big dreams, and big people don't dare to dream at all.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 26 (October 23, 2004) serial fantasy humor
Osgun the half-orc thought he was having a bad day, but spending a little time with the lovely Minerva makes it hard to feel down. Partly because she's so wonderful, and partly because nobody does bad days worse than Minerva. Ranting ghosts, battling gods, strange monsters carrying her off... yeah, she wins the bad day contest hands down.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 27 (October 30, 2004) serial fantasy humor
It's a chicken the size of a rowboat, and it's got Minerva! Heedless of his own safety, Ozzie is willing to charge up a mountain, off the side of a cliff, and into the bowels of a mountain to save the fair lady. She's kind of a scrapper, though, and it looks like there will be more saving to do before the day is over.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 28 (November 6, 2004) serial fantasy humor
A cache of hidden writings lead to a chance to bring an old god back from the dead and weaken the hold of the demon king.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 29 (November 20, 2004) serial fantasy humor
The western lands at last! Finally, Osgun and Riordan get to see the sights, eat the food, and use the tiny little restrooms in the lands of the Demon King! But while Riordan is busy eating his weight in exotic foods, Osgun finds himself face to face with another half-orc.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 30 (November 27, 2004) serial fantasy humor
His name is Ahman Abd'Zhejaran Najir, and he's everything a person of mixed heritage could hope for. A prosperous, educated, worldly, well-groomed, well-spoken self-made man, with a thriving business and a beautiful human wife. Osgun is thrilled at the chance to speak with him and mortified by his own lack of accomplishment.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 31 (December 11, 2004) serial fantasy humor
Arrangements must be made to enter Noksheoth Heights. While bartering might be a little different in the west, life on the streets is the same all over.
The Rubiyaat of Ozzie 000 (January 30, 2005) serial fantasy humor
A length of chain, a mug of ale, and thou. Before we jump back into the novel-in-progress, here is everything you need to know about the adventures of Osgun, a half-orc dock worker whose education is limited mostly to four-letter words and how to gut fish, but whose heart is about to lead him deep into a land of richness and danger.
Tam Lin 11 (April 10, 2005) Serial
Michelle knows she'd kick herself if she didn't pause in the murder investigation to climb the Escher-like stairs in the fae Hall of the Hunt. It provides ample time to discuss theology, magic, and which way your lunch would fall if you lost it on the enchanted stairs in this episode of the traditional fairy tale retold. First appeared 2003-07-28

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Poem

Rameses and Helen (April 10, 2005) poem
Cover story
Providence Watches O'er Even the Many-Legged (December 5, 2005) poem unrhymed acrostic
Turgid (April 16, 2007) poem
Senior Editor Alexandra Queen tries her hand at writing truly awesomely crappy poetry -- and shows that she really has a knack for it!
Heart Brake (July 12, 2010) poem unrhymed humor
When it comes to poetry, no one says it more ... turgidly ... than Madame Senior Editor.
Rain, Rain Go Away. (April 14, 2014) poem
April showers bring what, again?
&#%*in' Harvest (October 13, 2014) poem rhymed
Get that dang cornucopia outta my face!
Isoflavones and Black Cohosh (June 8, 2015) poem humor
At certain times, one gets really opinionated...

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Comics

WikiWikiWebster 01 (August 8, 2005) comic
The definition of a mandarin collar.
WikiWikiWebster 02 (August 15, 2005) comic
The definition of a johnny collar.
WikiWikiWebster 03 (August 22, 2005) comic
The definition of a cell phone.
WikiWikiWebster 04 (August 29, 2005) comic
The definition of a loose leaf binder.
WikiWikiWebster 05 (September 5, 2005) comic
The definition of wine coolie.
WikiWikiWebster 06 (September 12, 2005) comic
The definition of bar stool.
WikiWikiWebster 08 (September 26, 2005) comics
Wicci Wicci Web.
WikiWikiWebster 09 (October 3, 2005) comics
The i-pod.
WikiWikiWebster 10 (October 10, 2005) comic
Chicken pot pie.
WikiWikiWebster 11 (October 17, 2005) comics
Snow White and the Seven Worfs.
WikiWikiWebster 12 (October 24, 2005) comic humor
Peter Pancakes
Lichloved 01 (October 31, 2005) comic humor dark fantasy
Ever wonder how wicked souls embark upon the path of eeeevil?
Lichloved 02 (November 7, 2005) comic humor dark fantasy
General and Mrs. Lichloved throw a party. And, darling, everyone who's anyone is there.
Lichloved 03 (November 14, 2005) comic humor dark fantasy
"Nothing lasts forever," or "They don't make upper story windows like they used to."
Lichloved 04 (November 21, 2005) comic humor dark fantasy
Out with the old, in with the new. Mommies, that is.
Lichloved 05 (November 28, 2005) comic humor dark fantasy
Star light, star bright.
Lichloved 06 (December 5, 2005) humor dark fantasy
A new step-brother who studies necromancy has to be good for something.
Lichloved 07 (December 12, 2005) humor dark fantasy
Ashlinne's new step-mommy is a waste, but will the creepy new step-brother prove himself friend or foe?
Lichloved 08 (December 19, 2005) comics humor dark fantasy
Ashlinne studies diligently at reanimating Mr. Bear. Meanwhile, Hazzanghoul tries to explain exactly what went on with their parents that caused them to end up this way. If only everyone had known the safety word.
Lichloved 09 (December 26, 2005) comics humor dark fantasy
Under necromancer-in-training Hazzanghoul's supervision, young Ashlinne successfully reanimates Mr. Bear. Ah, youth.
Lichloved 11 (January 9, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne and her little friend Byzantium bring their pets together to play, talking as young children do about their futures. Because growing up is hott.
Lichloved 12 (January 16, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Ten years have passed. Ashlinne's a teen now, and Hazzanghoul's off at the Academy of Dark Arts, studying, er, diligently. But he's about to learn that even the thinnest of family bonds are difficult to get rid of.
Lichloved 13 (January 23, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne has gone down to Hazz's dorm room at the Academy of Dark Arts to demand his help in learning death magic. Hazzanghoul doesn't want to waste his time. It's a battle of wills.
Lichloved 14 (January 30, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Hazz and Ash walk through the grounds of the Academy of Dark Arts while Hazzanghoul explains exactly why he will not tutor young Ashlinne in the arcane magics of necromancy.
Lichloved 15 (February 6, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Whatever his reasons, at least Hazz has agreed to start tutoring Ashlinne in the arcane magics of the dark arts.
Lichloved 16 (February 13, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne finally gets the tutoring in death magic that she needs to get accepted into the Academy of Dark Arts.
Lichloved 17 (February 20, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Vacation time! For the artist, not the characters. Oh, what the hell. Vacations all around...
Peek of the Week 031 (February 27, 2006) photo art
A mountain lion watches small children raptly at Micke Grove Zoo, California.
Lichloved 18 (February 27, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
A brief history lesson while the author of the strip enjoys her vacation.
Lichloved 19 (March 6, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Hazzanghoul breaks it to Ash that she doesn't have the mastery over magic to become a necromancer. Ash has a little news of her own for him, though.
Lichloved 20 (March 13, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Hazzanghoul takes Ashlinne on a tour of the shadow knight side of the Academy to show her why, no offense, she doesn't fit the mold. Don't worry, Hazz. None taken.
Lichloved 21 (March 20, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
A bonus double-length comic. Ashlinne presents an eloquent rebuttal to Hazz's suggestion that she can't ever become a shadow knight.
Peek of the Week 035 (March 27, 2006) photo art
Sailing through the cosmos, the Universal Seal of Approval transverses dimensions with ease.
Lichloved 22 (March 27, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Where did that girl learn those moves? Flashback week! See the street Ashlinne grew up on and catch a glimpse into her home life.
Lichloved 23 (April 3, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Spring fever. Another vignette from the future while the artist flakes on y'all.
Lichloved 24 (April 10, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
It's one thing to talk big and get in a few lucky punches, but does Ash have what it takes for real combat? Um, literally?
Lichloved 26 (May 1, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
It ain't pretty, but Ashlinne's first fight real fight is over. How much of your head has to be left uneaten before you can call it a "win"?
Lichloved 28 (May 15, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Hazzanghoul heads home to talk to his once-upon-a-time stepfather and the man who murdered his mommy about why Ashlinne wasn't at school today. Ash seems to have things well enough in hand, though...
Lichloved 29 (May 22, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
The trials are beginning, but having no reason to watch them, Hazz is making the best of a wasted trip. But wait...!
Lichloved 30 (May 29, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
The Academy trials are beginning. Will Ashlinne make the cut in the martial testing? Will the instructor even let her compete?
Lichloved 31 (June 5, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
It's on! Ashlinne squares off for the martial combat phase of her initiation testing!
Lichloved 32 (June 12, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Hazz arrives just in time to offer some much needed emotional support for Ashlinne. And some interpretive services. Did she pass that martial test or not?
Lichloved 33 (June 19, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Now for the spell casting test. Ashlinne meets the arcana professor.
No Lichloved (June 26, 2006)
I'm too tired this week.
Lichloved 34 (July 3, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
A vignette from Ashlinne's anatomy class.
Lichloved 35 (July 10, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
The results are in! Ashlinne has passed all the tests. But sometimes, hard work just isn't enough...
Lichloved 36 (July 17, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
To come all that way only to fail at the end for not being evil enough. Ashlinne's not the type to give up that easily, though...
Lichloved 38 (July 31, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
General Lichloved and Floyd get ready for dinner.
Lichloved 39 (August 7, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
The dinner guests await, anticipating a lovely evening at Chez Lichloved.
Lichloved 40 (August 14, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
The General arrives at the table. Ashlinne introduces her new guest and outlines her plans for the future.
Lichloved 41 (August 21, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
General Lichloved expresses his opinion of Ashlinne's new "suitor".
Lichloved 42 (August 28, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne and her father have an after dinner chat about murderous tendencies.
Lichloved 43 (September 4, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
General Lichloved has a final conversation with his daughter, Ashlinne.
Lichloved 44 (September 11, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
While the General takes a long trip, Ashlinne assumes command of the household.
Lichloved 45 (September 18, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Denouement. Ashlinne wraps up some loose ends before attending her hard earned classes at the Academy of Dark Arts.
Peek of the Week 060 (September 25, 2006) photo art
Convergence of architectural angles
Lichloved 46 (September 25, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Interlude. BitBit's Midsummer Night's Dream.
Lichloved 47 (October 2, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne's undead skeletal pet seems to have a cozy life. But is BitBit's life as idyllic as it seems?
Lichloved 48 (October 9, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
In the dead of night, Ashlinne's undead skeletal pet, BitBit, dreams of his past life.
Lichloved 49 (October 16, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
The sound rattling through BitBit's nightmare follows him into the waking realm. What awaits him on the other side of the heavy oak door?
Peek of the Week 064 (October 23, 2006) photo art
Dancing through the shadows and lights of an oak tree with Photoshop
Lichloved 50 (October 23, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
The sound rattling through BitBit's nightmare follows him into the waking realm. What awaits him on the other side of the heavy oak door?
Lichloved 51 (November 6, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
BitBit is in dire peril, and the ruckus has awakened the other residents of the castle.
Lichloved 52 (November 13, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Awakened by a disturbance, necromancer Hazzanghoul and shadow knight Ashlinne spring into action, with an insightful revelation into strategy.
Peek of the Week 068 (November 20, 2006) photo art
Lighting as craftsmanship and art at McHenry Mansion.
Lichloved 53 (November 20, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne pounces!
Lichloved 54 (November 27, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
The big sex scene.
Lichloved 55 (December 4, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
In which we learn more about the proper care of undead pets.
Lichloved 56 (December 18, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Now that Ashlinne is attending the Academy of Dark Arts, let's take a peek at her typical day.
Peek of the Week 073 (December 25, 2006) photo art
Luscious Victorian Bling!
Lichloved 57 (December 25, 2006) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne's typical day at school -- the messy aftermath.
Lichloved 58 (January 1, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
By way of contrast, Hazzanghoul's typical day at school.
Lichloved 59 (January 22, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Hazzanghoul's typical day, continued.
Lichloved 60 (January 29, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne walks home from school, past her Wheatie neighbors up the street.
Lichloved 61 (February 5, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne has a confrontation with her neighbor up the street, a cleric of the Harvest God.
Lichloved 62 - Valentine's Day (February 12, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
A double-length Valentine's Day special.
Lichloved 63 (March 26, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Lichloved returns! Hooray! But Ashlinne is in no mood to dwell on the cumulative effects of even small deeds ...
Lichloved 64 (April 2, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Atone for your misdeeds while you may.
Peek of the Week 085 (April 2, 2007) photo art
Armless, headless, she still haunts the room where she met her fate ...
Lichloved 65 (April 9, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Ashlinne is interrupted mid-homework.
Lichloved 10 (April 16, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Little Ashlinne voices her hopes for the future. But if "Daddy" has already murdered your mommy and your teddy bear, what chance does a dream have for survival?(Originally appeared 01-02-2006)
Lichloved 25 (April 16, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
This isn't stealing lunch money from the choir boy up the street, this is Ashlinne's first real fight, and it's for keeps! Well. Actually that may be a matter worth some debate.(Originally appeared 04-17-2006)
Lichloved 27 (April 16, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Nudity! Skanks! It can only mean... the return of Byzantium. Two years later, it's orientation week for the new freshman class at the Academy of Dark Arts. (Originally appeared 05-08-2006)
Lichloved 66 (April 23, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Hazzanghoul begins to lecture Ash about her skeletal pet, because of course he knows best. And actually, when the chips are down, he really does.
Lichloved 67 (April 30, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Hazz persuades Ashlinne to ditch school, because he IS higher education.
Lichloved 68 (May 7, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
On the road again...
Peek of the Week 091 (May 14, 2007) photo art
Silver and roses ... somebody knows how to set a table!
Lichloved 69 (May 14, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Segue page.
Lichloved 70 (May 21, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Our Friend Fashhad. A flashback to school, where Ashlinne continues to make friends in arcana class.
Lichloved 71 (May 28, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Our Friend Fashhad. A flashback to school, where Ashlinne continues to make friends in arcana class.
Lichloved 72 (June 11, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Our Friend Fashhad. A flashback to school, where Ashlinne continues to make friends in gym.
Lichloved 73 (June 18, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Our Friend Fashhad. A flashback to school, where Ashlinne continues to make friends in arcana class.
Lichloved 74 (July 9, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Our Friend Fashhad. A flashback to school, where Ashlinne cements an alliance that may prove very beneficial indeed.
Lichloved 75 (July 30, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
Our Friend Fashhad. Ashlinne plays with little forest creatures while she and Hazzanghoul discuss her new friends at school.
Lichloved 76 (August 13, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. Hazzanghoul's destination comes in view.
Lichloved 77 (August 20, 2007) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. Hazz's description of chimeric magic gets sadly derailed. Never talk to thugs, children.
Peek of the Week 116 (November 12, 2007) photo art
McHenry Mansion, Modesto CA.
Peek of the Week 120 (December 10, 2007) photo art
A cattle egret, common to the area, seems to enjoy spending his mornings with the two male sea lions at Micke Grove Zoo.
Lichloved 78 (January 7, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. An explanation of anatomy.
Lichloved 79 (January 14, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. Scorpions have up to twelve eyes, but are not so gifted in social graces.
Lichloved 80 (February 4, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. We have learned much about chimeric magics, scorpions and scorpion men. Now, catch a glimpse of both monster and where Hazzanghoul might have been going with this whole business...
Lichloved 81 (February 11, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. Hazzanghoul's big revelation regarding chimeric mages, scorpions, men and eyeballs is lost on Ashlinne.
Lichloved 37 (April 7, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
One or two ales too many doesn't stop Ashlinne from revealing her plan to commit her first truly evil act so that she can seize her destiny and become a shadow knight. You can't keep a good woman down. Originally appeared 2006-07-24.
Lichloved 82 (July 28, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. The troop isn't listening, so Hazzanghoul uses small words...
Lichloved 80-somethin' Synopsis (July 28, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
Holy crap, it's been a while. Let's get caught up on the story, shall we?
Lichloved 83 (August 4, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. The troop STILL isn't listening, so Hazzanghoul finishes up with a tidy object lesson.
Lichloved 84 (August 11, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. Aww. You know when mama cats bring half dead mice for their kittens to practice on? Yeah. Hazz is lazier than that.
Lichloved 85 (August 18, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. Ashlinne is putting everything she's got into this relationship. Why doesn't her new friend want to stay and play?
Lichloved 86 - Bonus! (August 18, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. ...because Hazzanghoul can't resist being the homewrecker. Bonus strip!
Lichloved 87 (August 25, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. Finishing off the scorpionman.
Lichloved 88 (September 1, 2008) dark humor, fantasy
The Mounds of Scorpid Hominae. You can hit what isn't going to be there.
Random Comic (March 30, 2009) comics
Tilda was not concerned when her temp agency assigned her to filing payroll for the Cherokee...
Peek of the Week 224 (December 7, 2009) photo art
Graphic art in GIMP -- a semi-aboriginal platypus.
Peek of the Week 229 (January 11, 2010) photo art
Alex Queen shares a recent experiment in Photoshop with the aid of a graphics pad.
My Friend Clucka (April 5, 2010) satire
Well, SOMEONE saw a film she didn't much respect ...
Red Shirt (April 12, 2010) comics
We all knew who would be the next victim ...
Peek of the Week 244 (April 26, 2010) photo art
Different eyes see different things ...
Food for Thought (May 3, 2010) comics
Perhaps it was her highly developed powers of perception or maybe it was her uncanny sense of empathy, but whatever it was, something told Yvette that Mr. Baguette did not like his new cat food.
Peek of the Week 285 (February 14, 2011) photo art
A bit of fun with color and line.
Monkey Business (March 21, 2011) photo art
In a fit of creativity, Senior Editor Alex Queen toys with an entirely new subject for her art.
With No Announcement (March 28, 2011) photo art
Spring in the Valley of Orchards
Blair Witch Snail Swap Project (July 18, 2011) essay humor snails science
What happens when science and icky things merge on a dark and stormy day?
Peek of the Week 333 (January 23, 2012) photo art
White and furry -- is it a dead cockroach in disguise?
WikiWikiWebster 07 (February 2, 2015) comic humor
Software pirates.

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Essay

Riding in Cars with Cherries (June 10, 2013) essay food
Things to do with summertime fruits, responsible and not-so.

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Art

Murder Schmogr (October 31, 2022) fiction horror art
Infestations of evil aren't just fiction, though...

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