Opinion

There's no better way to say "I love you" than with the gift of a home enema kit. First appeared 2004-12-25

Life is a lot like the journey to the Land of Oz, and when you get right down to it, even Glinda is a little more "witch" than "good".

<b>Good Morning, McDougall St. </b>Families of first generation Americans behave in certain predictable manners. Adults tend to keep to their own kind, usually, because theirs is the only language they speak. The kids, however, share a world, floating down a river of English that their parents can only watch from the shore. First appeared 2003-12-20

<b>In Which I Revisit My Childhood, Courtesy of Sid and Marty Kroft.</b> The seventies were a time of terribly drawn, poorly scripted Saturday morning tv shows, and yet there is still a little magic underneath the silly rubber suits in the Land of the Lost.

Don't blame parents for bringing that brat to church -- Jesus was the one who said, "Let the little children come to Me." We have to assume that God gets a kick out having the little critters around. Even with their incessant nose-picking.

Signing up for health insurance is almost worse than life threatening diseases.

<b>Planting a Cigarette Bomb.</b> From an era when varsity high school students could smoke on campus with a permit from their folks is further evidence that smoking is not good for your health.

Just when you thought it was safe to take your next breath, someone you know is telling you that it isn't. What should you do? Intrepid girl reporter Tedi Trindle takes you on a tour of the "Culture of Fear".

Fishing isn't a hobby - to this family, it's a disorder. Giant fish, demon fish, fish so mean you gotta beat 'em with a hammer: it doesn't matter when you're a mad fishin' foo!

<b>The Sad Demise of Larry the Pig.</b> For a biting varmint, Larry the Guinea Pig had quite a bit of personality. When he passed, the holes he left in his family's hearts were larger even than the ones he had left in their fingers.

Just in time for Valentine's Day, a team from Brown University has discovered that the human eye is gross. But it takes a married couple to make science downright nauseating.

At any time, wherever you go, you'll see someone with a cell phone clamped to their heads like it was glued there. That may not be troublesome if they're shopping at Wal-mart or walking in the mall, but what about if they're driving a 3000-pound SUV at 50 miles an hour through town during rush hour? Basil's got the answer. Boom, baby.

A small, unwanted puppy becomes an unexpectedly beloved gift.

What would you do to be able to eat all the fresh, delicious donuts you want, in beautiful surroundings? Would you give blood? A <em>lot</em> of blood?

<b>Down With New Years Resolutions!</b> Two months into the new year, how are you doing on your resolutions? For the first time, Basil is doing great.

Some of my earliest memories are of walking along the beaches of California with my grandfather. The briny smell of the ocean mixed with the heavy scent of driftwood burning in the distance while walking along the beach with my grandfather make up a piece of my childhood's memory landscape. We would visit and he would take us kids down to the pier in Seal Beach on his daily walks and talk to the men dropping their lines off the jetty. As a card carrying Irishman he had the tales to tell. He would chat the fishermen out of their catch. Smoking his cigar and gesturing he slowly he began, "Hey, boy, you think your wife wants to cook that little bit of fish?"

Bernie and Sand take off for the movies again, this time to see the controversial quasi-religious superhero flick <i>Constantine</i>.

Over the course of my working life, I've started and left a number of jobs. Usually I leave with some regrets, mostly regrets about leaving my co-workers. I've left happily, sadly, angrily -- and once I left so drunk I could hardly stand. This is about that time.

Long for the simpler, less expensive toys of yesteryear? Be careful what you wish for. As a simple, pink helium balloon demonstrates, imagination can be an annoying thing.

Drink to me only with thine squid-like eyes.

<b>In Which I Discuss My Hughes-like Peculiarities.</b> I freely admit that I am a person riddled with peculiarities. My devotion to Don Knotts movies, my McDonald toy collection, my yo-yos, my book fetish -- it's enough to drive the average woman to distraction. My long-suffering wife has put up with a lot over the years, but there's one peculiarity of mine that puzzles and often angers her -- my refusal to use a public restroom.

<b>In Which I Whistle for a Snoring Cure With Unexpected Results</b>. From a seductive cat-like purr to something that sounds like a train braking suddenly, snoring has many times been cited as a major cause of marital discord.

Next year, they're going to plop the cast of Survivor down in a small town like Ripon and make them try to get books to and from the library with a toddler in tow. It ain't easy.

The tumultuous first year of the almost victorious, entirely fictitious San Diego Thunder.

<b>Mary's Tiger</b>. A grown man in his forties should not be so attached to a stuffed toy, but Fluffy was special from the start.

The phrase "In Japan we have four seasons" is that it is mathematically inaccurate. At the very least, there are five distinct seasons - spring, summer, autumn, winter and the dreaded rainy season (<i>tsuyu</i>) which comes between spring and summer.

What do you remember most from taking your children to the amusement park when they were young? Is it the animals, the rides, the vomit, the bad food -- or a child's innocent questions about those two "wrestling" turtles?

While other people have presented 2004 the way it was, this is a look at 2004 the way it might as well have been, but wasn't. Includes resolutions that may as well have been made and predictions for 2005 that will never happen, but should.

Between Kid Rock stinking up the TV and the dog's back end polluting the air, working from a home office is impossible. Unless you've got a little help from a supportive spouse.