Opinion

What would you do to be able to eat all the fresh, delicious donuts you want, in beautiful surroundings? Would you give blood? A <em>lot</em> of blood?

<b>Down With New Years Resolutions!</b> Two months into the new year, how are you doing on your resolutions? For the first time, Basil is doing great.

Some of my earliest memories are of walking along the beaches of California with my grandfather. The briny smell of the ocean mixed with the heavy scent of driftwood burning in the distance while walking along the beach with my grandfather make up a piece of my childhood's memory landscape. We would visit and he would take us kids down to the pier in Seal Beach on his daily walks and talk to the men dropping their lines off the jetty. As a card carrying Irishman he had the tales to tell. He would chat the fishermen out of their catch. Smoking his cigar and gesturing he slowly he began, "Hey, boy, you think your wife wants to cook that little bit of fish?"

Bernie and Sand take off for the movies again, this time to see the controversial quasi-religious superhero flick <i>Constantine</i>.

Over the course of my working life, I've started and left a number of jobs. Usually I leave with some regrets, mostly regrets about leaving my co-workers. I've left happily, sadly, angrily -- and once I left so drunk I could hardly stand. This is about that time.

Long for the simpler, less expensive toys of yesteryear? Be careful what you wish for. As a simple, pink helium balloon demonstrates, imagination can be an annoying thing.

Drink to me only with thine squid-like eyes.

<b>In Which I Discuss My Hughes-like Peculiarities.</b> I freely admit that I am a person riddled with peculiarities. My devotion to Don Knotts movies, my McDonald toy collection, my yo-yos, my book fetish -- it's enough to drive the average woman to distraction. My long-suffering wife has put up with a lot over the years, but there's one peculiarity of mine that puzzles and often angers her -- my refusal to use a public restroom.

<b>In Which I Whistle for a Snoring Cure With Unexpected Results</b>. From a seductive cat-like purr to something that sounds like a train braking suddenly, snoring has many times been cited as a major cause of marital discord.

Next year, they're going to plop the cast of Survivor down in a small town like Ripon and make them try to get books to and from the library with a toddler in tow. It ain't easy.

The tumultuous first year of the almost victorious, entirely fictitious San Diego Thunder.

<b>Mary's Tiger</b>. A grown man in his forties should not be so attached to a stuffed toy, but Fluffy was special from the start.

The phrase "In Japan we have four seasons" is that it is mathematically inaccurate. At the very least, there are five distinct seasons - spring, summer, autumn, winter and the dreaded rainy season (<i>tsuyu</i>) which comes between spring and summer.

What do you remember most from taking your children to the amusement park when they were young? Is it the animals, the rides, the vomit, the bad food -- or a child's innocent questions about those two "wrestling" turtles?

While other people have presented 2004 the way it was, this is a look at 2004 the way it might as well have been, but wasn't. Includes resolutions that may as well have been made and predictions for 2005 that will never happen, but should.

Between Kid Rock stinking up the TV and the dog's back end polluting the air, working from a home office is impossible. Unless you've got a little help from a supportive spouse.

<b>In Which I Morph From Jolly Old Elf to Fat Nazi, Which Alters My Sleeping Arrangements.</b>

Walking through the tree lot, stomping in the puddles littered with real pine needles in a drenching Southern California winter rain; these are the memories that define Christmas.

Being stuck inside on a rainy day with toddlers and animals is enough to drive any adult mad. Or inspire them to write bad poetry about the Oakland Raiders. In the end, the cat says it best.

Forty-six years old isn't too old to head to the mall to have a talk with Santa. After all, Mama reeeeally needs a brand new Porsche Carrera. Or a puppy. Or a kitten. Or a grandkid...

Kellie demonstrates clever ways to waste time at work with the satirical Sable and Shuck. Meanwhile Audie presents a websurf sampler to tempt any palate: American Science and Surplus, RealBeer.com, BookBrowse.com and some blogs you probably shouldn't try living without.

Back home, Jack-O-Lanterns are for decorating yards, and "eatin pumpkins" are for making into pies. But the rest of the world has no idea what variety of vegetable an "eatin pumpkin" might actually be. In fact, the rest of the world does a lot of things different than they did back home. And upon careful reflection, that might just be for the best.

With the holidays approaching, your only hope is to contract some mysterious and highly contagious disease. Otherwise you'll have to put up with... the relatives.

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Europe's tiniest dictator has gone from the amazing feat of using the French army to thrash almost the entire world to appearing on the cans of baby corn. Ponderous, baby.

Run for your life! Hold your breath! Get the gas mask! Weapons of Mass Destruction, move over! When perfume allergies can cause you to cough until your throat bleeds, trying to get people to ease off the Eau du Paris is worth raising a stink.

It's hard to take meaningful dramas seriously. They're just so unreal. A touching moment between a married couple, the faithful guard dog protecting family from danger, even an attractive woman riding her motorcycle down the street: in the books, that all works perfectly. Since when does real life let any of those people get away with even a scrap of dignity?

Do you dream about buttery cookies, pies crammed with fruit, the brown glaze of fat turkeys just out of the oven, and mounds of garlicky mashed potatoes? This holiday season, just kick those skinny little lo-carb Nazis to the curb and enjoy yourself. After all, carbs are organic.

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